Memo to Brit-Brit: When you tell a court of law you’re too sick to be deposed in your child-custody case, you’d better actually be sick. Or at least fake it a little.
Make sure the paparazzi see someone delivering chicken soup. Leak a rumor to Page Six that you’ve fallen and you can’t get up. Send an assistant out for some Nyquil.
Here’s what you shouldn’t do. Don’t expose yourself as a complete fraud by being spotted at the Four Seasons on the same evening. Don’t drive around Los Angeles until 2:00 in the morning. And don’t stop to fill your tank at the gas station where the TMZ video crew hangs out for coffee:
Cameras caught the popwreck and an assistant leaving her home away from home, the Four Seasons, for her other home away from home — a gas station — last night. Brit didn’t answer when we asked why she missed her extremely important deposition that morning, saying little more than, “It’s cold, y’all.”
MSNBC’s “The Scoop” adds:
[A]ccording to her friends, we can expect her so-called illness to rear its ugly head again — relapses that will happen to coincide with future court dates.
“Britney feels like this is a perfectly acceptable thing to do,” said a source close to Spears. “She did feel sick, but more than anything, she felt like she didn’t have to do something just because she was told.”
Big Head DC says:
Only 372 out of 435 Congressional House members voted in favor of a resolution this week that called for a recognition of “the importance of Christmas.” Democratic Reps. Gary Ackerman, N.Y.; Yvette Clarke, N.Y.; Diana DeGette, Colo.; Alcee Hastings, Fla.; Barbara Lee, Calif.; Jim McDermott, Wash.; Bobby Scott, Va.; Pete Stark, Calif.; and Lynn Woolsey, Calif., voted no on the measure. Similar resolutions earlier this year recognizing the Hindu holiday of Diwali and the Muslim holiday of Ramadan passed without any no votes.
You have to wonder what happened to all the other problems in the world, when Congress is wasting time reminding everybody that Christmas is awesome. But why would these people vote against it? It’s not because they’re Democrats. Plenty of Democrats celebrate Christmas. (I think.) Maybe they’re just mean.
No word yet on the legal status of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.
P.S.
It must be tough to be a Spike TV exec. You invite that Jackass guy to present at your Video Game Awards show because he’s famous for being a drunken maniac, and then he shows up and starts behaving like… a drunken maniac!
The reality-show loser boarded a flight from LA to Las Vegas last weekend “already incredibly drunk,” a spy said, and “almost got kicked off the plane.” After arriving in Vegas to tape the show at the Mandalay Bay, he “started pulling down his pants and flashing women while holding two cocktails in one hand. He was escorted from the property by security — making it impossible for him to present at the show.” A Spike rep declined comment.
What possible comment could they have? “We thought this time would be different.” That wouldn’t really fly, would it? Being unprofessional is his profession. God bless America.
Self-proclaimed King of All Media Howard Stern says Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have “put a plague” on his block in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The paparazzi are everywhere, and he doesn’t like it because it’s not about him:
“It’s unbelievable. Now I know why co-ops block famous people from getting into buildings,” said Stern, adding that he finds out every detail about the duo from his doorman. “Who cares about them anymore?” he asked sidekick Robin Quivers.
Note that he said this on his Sirius radio show, which has fattened his wallet but decimated his listenership. It must really hurt, not being able to leave your own house without being reminded that you’re not famous anymore, and knowing it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
X17online’s interview with Parker’s (alleged) mistress, Alexandra Paressant, is fantastic. Remember how he told the press that having children with Eva Longoria would be better than his NBA titles? Well…
Alex asked him if he wanted kids with Eva, he answered, “Certainly not for now.”
She also described one of her (alleged) trips to San Antonio to hook up with him:
“We had room service. He said that Eva sexually speaking does not want to do certain things. She do not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne,” Alexandra told X17online.
Well, it all depends on how you apply it. And if you leave it in the container, then the container gets acne. Or do you get acne if you dispense it too much? I can’t really remember; it’s been a while since junior high.
P.S. Here’s what Parker and Longoria tell people. I mean, tell People:
“I love my wife,” Parker said in a statement… “She’s the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier.” Longoria, who took Parker’s name this year after their July nuptials, added, “Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband.”
In 1998, U.S. tobacco companies agreed to pay a Bill-Gatesian amount of money (around $246 billion over 25 years) to state governments as compensation for, well, killing millions of people through the magic of cancer sticks. The idea was that the states would use the money to educate Americans, especially kids, about the dangers of smoking.
Road to hell, good intentions, you know where this is going …
The Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids reported yesterday that only three states are using all of the settlement money as intended. And for the coming fiscal year, Connecticut plans to spend zero dollars on anti-smoking education. This despite the fact that the Nutmeg State
will rake in $337.5 million from the tobacco settlement in 2008, and from taxes collected on cigarette sales.
In 2002, Connecticut public-health wonks put together a glossy “Tobacco Use Prevention and Control Program” that spelled out an ambitious plan to put the settlement money to good use. In 2004 the state’s official cancer-prevention plan called for supporting that program “through advocating a combination of federal, state and local funding.”
News flash for Connecticut lawmakers: The money is there, guys. You’re just too busy funding other really, really important stuff.
Like $6.3 million to “Modernize Connecticut’s Internet Presence.” $4 million for a “Culture, Tourism and Arts Grant.” $2 million to refurbish the Horace Bushnell Memorial Hall in Hartford. And $500,000 to buy “film equipment” for the Connecticut Office For Workforce Competitiveness. (Source: CT Budget Highlights for 2008-2009).
Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.
At an event in observation of World AIDS Day, Rudy Giuliani pledged to be a leader in combating the virus’s spread worldwide:
Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani vowed that if he were elected president he would “continue America’s life-saving role as a leader in the global fight against HIV/AIDS until the day humanity can declare victory against this deadly disease.”
Which is news because Housing Works, a New York charity that helps people with the virus, had to sue Giuliani for canceling their funding to provide health care and services for HIV-positive residents. The social service agency alleges that Giuliani reneged because they had criticized his administration’s policies on the disease.
The city finally settled the lawsuit for $4.8 million in 2005.
The football (read: soccer) hooligans in Manchester have declared it, so it must be true: Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard is “the biggest hypocrite in England.” Apparently Gerrard is less than kind to opponents who “take dives” to earn cheap fouls, but he does it a good deal himself.
Biggest hypocrite in England? I would go with this guy. But then I’m not a big “football” fan.
UPDATE: Steven Gerrard’s home was apparently burglarized two night ago. No word yet on whether it was payback for all those “stolen” penalties.
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