How do you go from seven Cy Young awards and a spot on the “All-Century” Major League baseball team to a locker-room punchline? Make human growth hormone a part of your training regimen. And get caught.
Roger “The Rocket” Clemens is probably the best known current player to be beaned by last week’s Mitchell Report about performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. The report mentions Clemens no fewer than 82 times (only Barry Bonds got more ink) which could be enough to keep him out of the Hall of Fame.
As the pitching great’s non-denial denials lose potency over time, keep January 12 on your calendar. That’s the date Clemens is scheduled to give a speech at the convention of the Texas High School Baseball Coaches Association.
The speech is titled “My Vigorous Workout: How I Played So Long.” I’m not making that up.
Clemens may lose that slot as early as tomorrow, however, as the group will meet then to decide whether to let a drug-induced All Star lie through his teeth to little kids.
The Coaches Association’s website currently includes no trace of Clemens, but the Internet has a long memory. Here’s a PDF of Google’s cache, complete with Clemens’ name misspelled, from a week ago.
Scarlett Johanssen does a lot of charity work — she even traded the Oscars for Oxfam. Commendable. And last year she slammed other stars who she claimed participated in charity work just for the media attention. As for herself, she told Vogue, her own humanitarianism is entirely selfless:
“You’re always going to have people who hop on the bandwagon when something is hip,” Scarlett said. “The important thing to remember is that women and children in Africa need help and that has nothing to do with my career.”
So it’s pretty uppity talk for someone who just designed a corset for Frederick’s of Hollywood, which was auctioned off for $10,000 to benefit a Los Angeles charity.
Scarlett, I think it’s a great thing that you’re so philanthropically minded, but don’t pretend that donating lingerie is something you do solely to help the unfortunate. You must get something out of selling your underwear.
From the lyrics to Britney’s latest single, “Piece of Me”:
I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They’re still gonna take pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me…
I’m Miss Bad Media Karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can’t see the harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I’m still an exceptional earner
And you want a piece of me
I’m Mrs. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. Oh My God, That Britney’s Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. Extra! Extra! This Just In
(You want a piece of me)
I’m Mrs. She’s Too Big Now She’s Too Thin
(You want a piece of me)
Presumably this will be her farewell single, right? Since it’s so awful to be her and everything.
The big “news” this morning is that her figure has been digitally slenderized in the video, but that’s not really a shock. They’ve been doing that stuff to chunky “singers” ever since Paula Abdul. No, the most galling thing is that she wants everybody to look at her complaining about how everybody won’t stop looking at her. How about this: If you want to be left alone, don’t have your publicists inform the paps every time you make a Starbucks run.
It’s like John Lydon said: “If you don’t want to be a pop star, stop being one.”
Britney Spears skipped a court appearance last week regarding her visitation rights because she was “ill,” but then was photographed rockin’ out all night long.
That excuse didn’t work, so here’s another one: The paps make her nervous. Well this is new, as K-Fed’s lawyer points out to Us Weekly:
“If the paparazzi are something that are causing anxiety, that is something I would assume that she deals with most of her life.
“So I am not sure why the paparazzi anxiety level happened to coincide with the fact that the court ordered her to appear to be cross examined.”
Ooh! Ooh! I know why!
According to Us Magazine:
“I always tell it like it is,” she said at a screening for her new comedy 27 Dresses (out January 11) in Beverly Hills Friday.
Still, she added, “you kind of pick and choose your moments to be brutally honest.”
Yeah, pick and choose. And then just open your yap anyway. Unless she thinks she’s really smart for running her mouth and alienating Judd Apatow, the only guy in Hollywood who’s making money these days without A) Will Smith, B) Vampires, or C) Will Smith killing vampires. Let’s just say Apatow will still have his moneymaking assets long after hers are drooping to her knees.
Rudy Giuliani, who seems to be popping up here pretty regularly, was supposed to meet with potential voters in Oklahoma City last week, then ditched at the last minute because of an ice storm. But that didn’t mean he was too busy to shake down some OKC donors:
Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, who canceled a scheduled public appearance in Oklahoma City because he didn’t want to disrupt storm cleanup efforts, went ahead with a private fundraiser and took a look at ice damage.
Here’s a man who really likes capitalizing on mass destruction. No doubt about it.
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