Are you looking around for that Cruisetastic Scientology recruiting video everybody’s talking about today? (Which the narrator, who sounds like he’s on loan from Super Friends, dubs “Tom Cruise on… Tom Cruise: Scientologist!”) But you didn’t get a chance to download it to your hard drive before L. Ron’s lawyers had it removed from YouTube? Us Weekly has a quick summary. Some highlights:

Tom Cruise: I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist, and it’s something that you have to earn because a Scientologist … has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.

“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident … you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.

“But that’s what drives me … I know that we have an opportunity to really help … effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.”

You know, sometimes the best way to help people is to stay out of the way. And when it comes to Scientology, “sometimes” means “all the time.”

Take, for example, the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project. It’s a Scientology “org” that Cruise founded in 2004 [Correction: 2003] to help the workers who cleaned up the debris from the World Trade Center and breathed in toxic fumes. Here’s how it’s supposed to work, according to the official site, nydetox.org:

Only one method for reducing body levels of toxic chemicals has been widely implemented, studied and demonstrated to be safe and effective: the detoxification program developed by L. Ron Hubbard.

It is a precise regimen that includes exercise, sauna bathing, and vitamin, mineral and oil supplements. More than 20 years of clinical experience have established its value in treating chemical exposures.

Here’s how it really works, according to Slate:

Toxic substances (including pollutants, pesticides, and various pharmaceuticals) are stored largely in the body’s fatty tissues. Detoxification is thus made possible by “mobilizing” fat reserves—that is, by releasing portions of stored fat that contain dissolved toxins—into the bloodstream, and then eliminating these toxins, mainly through sweating. In order to “unleash” fats, participants take increasing doses of niacin (up to a whopping 3,500 mg to 5,000 mg per day), along with other vitamins and minerals such as calcium and magnesium. They ingest two daily tablespoonfuls of oil (a blend of soy, walnut, peanut, safflower, and evening primrose oils) to replace the fats that have been mobilized and to maintain weight: Advocates are clear that weight-loss is not to occur. Participants also spend a half an hour jogging, followed by two-and-a-half to five hours in a sauna (while drinking ample water), to eliminate contaminants through sweat. The program generally runs seven days a week for three to four weeks, or until the patient no longer “feels the effects of past drugs or chemicals” and reports a “marked resurgence of overall sense of well-being.” That is the model regimen, at least.

Sounds scientific! Except that niacin actually lowers blood-lipid levels, the opposite of what this technique claims to do, and in high doses like this it can cause a host of problems, including liver damage. (“Oh well. Sorry your liver gave out, 9/11 worker. Guess you just didn’t believe in L. Ron enough!”)

And there’s no proof that sweating out toxins actually works, especially the kinds of toxins released on 9/11. Plus sitting in a hot sauna for hours on end can actually be dangerous to these already-sick people, due to dehydration and heat stroke.

Pushing junk science to exploit the brave men and women who put their lives on the line during a national crisis… Thanks for the help, Tom.

P.S. Radar has a piece on this video, and in the comments, a former Scientologist has a quick glossary of the bizarre terms Cruise uses. Here’s my fave:

*KSW (short for Keeping Scientology Working): A policy written by Hubbard in the 1960’s that requires all Scientologists to follow his words and his rules exactly.

More like Kooky Strange Weirdness!

P.P.S. What Would Tyler Durden Do? has the video, and you can download it here… for now.

P.P.P.S. For all you out-ethical SP’s out there, here’s a gallery I like to call Tom Cruise, Man of a Thousand Thoroughly Unnerving Faces: Continue reading ‘Dear Tom: You’re Not Helping’