Yay, it’s Earth Day!

What’s that? You didn’t know today’s Earth Day? Well, now ya do. Come on, you don’t want to miss out on all that pedantic scolding you could be doing, huh?

Let’s go on an Earth Day shopping trip! All sorts of companies are cashing in on your credulity looking into their hearts and doing what’s right for the planet:

• The place to start, of course, is Amazon Green. That’s right, Amazon.com has a section strictly devoted to products that will save the Earth! From recycled bumwipe to dim, flickery, eye-reddening lightbulbs to baby clothes made out of freaking soybeans, they’ve got everything you need to convince yourself you’re making a difference. And it’s all shipped to you, anywhere in the country, via Santa’s magic sleigh. Zero carbon emissions!
• Then you’ll want to hit Whole Foods, where as of today, the clerks who ring up your overpriced produce and flavorless hemp snacks will be asking you, “Paper or… paper?” No more plastic bags! Of course, you’ve probably preempted their mute disapproval anyway by getting some of those canvas shopping bags. (Isn’t hemp awesome?)
• Don’t forget to pick up today’s paper. Almost 50 of today’s comic strips, from Arctic Circle to Zits, have an Earth Day theme. I know what you’re thinking: “What about all those murdered trees, you dumb hippie?” Nice try, fascist, but all Earth Day newspapers are printed on a special blend of pixie wishes and unicorn dreams!
• Once all your shopping is done, maybe you want to relax and unwind at a baseball game. Well, you can’t, because Major League Baseball is honoring Earth Day by tearing down all their parks, plowing them under, and planting trees on them. Just kidding! They’re starting some sort of “Greening Program.” Presumably it doesn’t involve encouraging fans to reduce their carbon emissions by staying home.
• Of course, I found all this stuff via Google:

  

  The logo means they care! Can’t help but notice there are no salmon… this must be downstream from one of Google’s hydroelectric plants.

I don’t know about you, but now I feel much better about not taking the quickest and most obvious step to save the planet: Killing myself and my entire family.

And don’t forget: “At least they’re doing something!”

(Thanks to the Unsuitablog for the inspiration)