Heidi Montag is inexplicably in the news again (and guys, I know I’m not helping, but she provides such fertile material). Now it’s because she describes her feud with L.C. on The Hills in the most overblown way possible:

All hell broke loose this past season when [evil boyfriend Spencer] Pratt and Montag revealed that Conrad had supposedly shot a sex tape with ex-beau Jason Wahler.

“I don’t even want to talk about that,” Montag says. “There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

The parable about Jesus’s disproportionate breast implants must be in one of the gnostic gospels because it’s the first I’ve heard of it. And she continues:

Montag identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist” and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. Montag even planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa.

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” says Montag, who grew up in Colorado with Holly, brother Sky, 15, and her since-divorced parents, Bill, a rancher, and Darlene, who runs a restaurant with Montag’s stepfather.

This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to “feed children and help build things.”

I love the unintentional hilarity of this whole interview. I would repost the whole thing if I didn’t fear y’all coming after me with pitchforks.