Alec Baldwin with the president of PETA. Does she know that his secret special happy place has white leather seats?

A few months ago I offered Deceiver readers $50 for evidence of Alec Baldwin eating a cheeseburger. That’s how luke-warm we were about the sarcasm-prone “Daddy Dearest” and his dedication to the animal-rights cause of PETA.

Google has 165,000 hits for “PETA” and “Alec Baldwin.” He’s narrated anti-meat videos, flacked anti-fur footage on Larry King, and even helped PETA try to get horse-drawn carriages banned in New York City. Seriously.

On Saturday, London’s Telegraph newspaper ran a six-page profile of Baldwin called “No Laughing Matter” in its Sunday Magazine supplement. The article isn’t available online, at least not yet. But I just finished reading a copy.

Here’s a paragraph from page 33:

On a cool rainy day in June, the car-park in the centre of East Hampton was no more than half full, but Baldwin drove around it slowly, as if not seeing the many available spaces. ‘In East Hampton, I’m a nudist and I eat meat,’ Baldwin — a vegetarian — had said before my visit, expanding on the idea that he lived a quite different life on Long Island than he did in New York. ‘I shoot deer with a bow and arrow. I some the deer meat and eat it every morning with my eggs and toast. I am a homosexual. I listen to rock music, loud.’

Now, before you all jump on me and imagine him channeling Jack Donaghy from “30 Rock,” yes, I understand he was probably joking. But you have to wonder why he equates the kill-it-and-grill-it lifestyle with nudism, rock music, and being gay. (All I know for sure is that his shrink is underpaid.)

Regardless, this next bit — reported just four paragraphs later — doesn’t ring with any irony:

We drove to the East Hampton marina. ‘We’re going to be so happy,’ Baldwin said. ‘We are going to be so f***ing happy.’ For the first time since the previous summer, he was going out on the water. A few minutes later, we were in Three Mile Harbour, in Baldwin’s sleek speedboat, which has white leather seats and pale-brown trim. He explained that the boat, at 25ft, was as long as it could be while still providing the initial pop of speed that would allow a man weighing more than 200lb to water-ski. ‘This is why we do sitcoms in Queens!’ he said, as he accelerated to 55mph.

The clouds were low and threatening, but the water was calm. He headed toward Shelter Island, making fast, sweeping turns. ‘It’s the only time in my life I can relax,’ Baldwin said … ‘The most relaxing places for me are onstage doing a play and on this boat.’

So… to recap, the only time Alec Baldwin feels like he can truly be at peace with himself is when his butt is plopped down on leather seats. You just know that if he were … oh … say, Lindsay Lohan, he’d be on the business end of some sort of projectile just for admitting that.

But cheer up, Alec. Maybe all is not lost. You could sell your boat and give the money to PETA, like Pam Anderson did with her leather-draped Dodge Viper.

I can’t believe I just suggested that.