In a really sad development to this story, last week Diddy played mediator to Rihanna and Chris Brown, and now this generation’s Tina and Ike are back on.
I know all the statistics about how frequently abuse victims return to their abusers, but what really infuriates me at this point is Rihanna’s dad, who doesn’t appear to be giving nearly enough guidance to a very vulnerable 21-year-old.
Describing Rihanna’s current condition after seeing her on Thursday, Fenty said, “There is some bruising. She will be all right. I think so.”
He adds, “At some point, she will speak out. I hope she will stand up for women all over the world.”
Fenty, a salesman and freelance clothing designer, said Rihanna is spending time with girlfriends while she heals. While Fenty said he wouldn’t tell his daughter what to do, he did say, “If it were me, I’d move on.”
Ronald Fenty upon hearing of the couple’s reconciliation:
“I love my daughter with whatever road she takes. I’m behind her win or lose. I will be supportive. If that’s the road she wants to choose, I’m behind her. I hope to see her soon. I talked to her after her birthday, and she told me she’s OK.”
I’m sorry but a wishy-washy stance is not what Rihanna needs at the moment. If there’s one time in a girl’s life when she needs her dad to say that a creep’s a creep and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that, it’s now. But sad as it is, maybe his response explains why she’s going back to a guy who made her look like this.
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Actually, her dad is in really tricky terrain here. If Rihanna is intent on staying with Chris then her dad needs to figure out how to stay in her life so he can offer support. In abusive relationships, the abuser will whine and pout, “Your dad hates me.” So what will she do? Cut off contact with her dad. If her dad is actively involved in her life, has contact with her, he can plant little seeds in her brain that might help her decide that being with an abusive prick is a really bad idea.
She’s a 21 year old ADULT superstar millionaire (right? I don’t know if she’s a superstar but whatever…). Blah, blah, blah. She’s an idiot.
Maybe we won’t hear about this too much anymore until she breaks up with him, and he decapitates her, and slaughters her new boyfriend in a dark entryway somewhere. But that never really happens does it?
I agree with Queen Bee for the most part. Ultimately her choices are her choices as an adult, and there’s no use for the father to add fuel to the fire by publicly stating that he disagrees with his daughter. Who knows what conversations they’re having behind closed doors.
I think ol’ man Fenty is just trying to support his cash cow…I mean, his daughter Rihanna in whatever she decides to do.
I’m not sure someone who goes back to an abuser is really ready to have seeds planted in her brain, despite the large amount of BS present there.
Seriously: Whatever. She’s as much to blame as he is now. Good enough for her.
“I know all the statistics about how frequently abuse victims return to their abusers, but what really infuriates me at this point is Rihanna’s dad, who doesn’t appear to be giving nearly enough guidance to a very vulnerable 21-year-old” exactly! she is 21, and adult and she can make her own choices. i just think she made the wrong one here.. 9 times out of 10 if a “man” says he won’t do it again, he will. i hope she finds the strength to leave him someday, she deserves better.
Don’t blame her dad for her stupidity.
blah i meant *an adult. also, i’m 20 and i’ve been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. he has never laid a finger on me, but if he or any other man ever did, that would be it. i do hope someday rihanna speaks up for women all over the world, but who knows about that now.
I can’t hide it anymore… after that amazingly brilliant observation, Pasta, I’m in love
The extension of “adolence” and thus “the right to be stupid and need your parents to tell you what to do after you screw up” being extended from about 15 where it should be to 30 is ridiculous and has created an entire generation of people who won’t grow up. All I can say beyond that is she gets what she deserves.
She doesn’t deserve it, Kristine. No one deserves to be beaten. Being in an abusive relationship often takes several instances of coming and going before the person can finally stand on their own to feet and say enough. Being in a place of fame can cause more self-image issues than people think and can also cause the person to feel that no one understands, other than people in her same circumstance–very young, more naive than they can admit, and who shot to fame basically overnight. She doesn’t “get what she deserves,” because she probably believes that his going to anger management is going to help, and that her presence will help further it. “Oh, baby, I need you to help me be strong.” It’s so easy to sit here, in our safe homes or offices and think “oh well, she’s stupid. she deserves to get beat,” but you can’t judge any one until you’re in their place, see what they see, and experience things for yourself.
*jumps off soapbox*
I always knew P. Dildo or whatever he’s called these days was the spawn of Satan. And now I know.
Are we forgetting Tina did leave Ike?
This is a Hollywood relationship, they’ll probably be broken up by the end of summer or whenever it comes time for Rihanna to promote her new album.
Your daughter gets the crap beat out of her and you aren’t in daily communication? And no contact since her birthday, way the hell back on Feb 20th?
Huh. Me? I’d be calling my daughter on the jailhouse payphone 3 times a day, right up until they sent me up to death row for the flagitious murder of her boyfriend.
Her dad says… “At some point, she will speak out. I hope she will stand up for women all over the world.” Huh? She spoke volumes by going back to her a$$hole boyfriend.
I think rhinna should 4get about chris &have me as her boy friend
Why are we so bent on making excuses for people? She might have pressure, but she also has a brain. Therefore, I stand by what I said.
Should her father be telling her no? Hell yeah. (Like Minnow said, my father would be in jail by now for killing him if any boyfriend of mine ever did that) Should she need him to in order to do the right thing? One big no.
Okay, Rihanna just gave herself the licence to be a human-shaped punching bag. If she refuses to defend herself against the real threat that Chris Brown represent, I don’t see why I should care neither.
I don’t think people understand what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship, and the damage that does to a person’s self-image and ability to see or think clearly, nor how adept most abusers are at manipulating their victims. It’s easy to say “She should leave, and if she doesn’t she’s an idiot” – until you’re in her shoes. I’ve also read that this is not the first abusive relationship Rihanna has been in. Perfectionism is not an uncommon response to being in an abusive relationship, which is why otherwise apparently very successful people are sometimes trapped in relationships like these.
As QBee said, her father is on shaky ground if he wants to stay in her life because her abuser will have her cut him out if he’s not careful, and then he can’t be any help whatsoever.
It’s a tragic situation but that doesn’t mean she deserves to be abused. It’s not as simple as most people think.
I don’t think anyone is saying she deserves to be abused at all.
I agree that her dad is on some seriously shaky ground here. If he condemns her decision too strongly, she will end up isolating herself and Chris Brown will more easily convince her that she has nowhere to turn. Also, if he pisses her off, she herself will cut contact and be further isolated from positive support. However, his statement could have been more strongly worded while avoiding insult.
That said, I don’t feel sorry for her. I don’t for a minute think that she deserves what she gets now that she is back with him because no one deserves to be beaten by someone that is supposed to love them. However, she chose to go back to him even though she has all the support, money, and ability to escape abuse that a lot of women do not have. I don’t respect that, I think it’s a crock, and I don’t feel that there is any excuse, emotional or otherwise for it. If it sounds harsh or insensitive, then hey, I’m harsh and insensitive.
At least with Ike and Tina, he did have a financial hold over her, and they were married. It was harder for her to make a clean break. Rihanna and Chris Brown are not married and their careers do not depend on their being together. She has no excuse.
I agree with everyone else that her dad is indeed on shaky ground trying to give her support, yet encourage her to leave him. I highly doubt he approves, but he doesn’t want to alienate himself from her. He is doing the right thing by saying he supports her, and I am sure he let her know privately what he thinks and that her parents and friends will continue to plant some seeds in her mind. Besides, who knows, maybe anger management is going to help him and he is sorry and it won’t happen again but….if I were her, no. Still, she’s 21 and no one is able to make her choices for her.
Speaking from my personal experience, after my fiance relapsed on cocaine one night (and after being clean for a year) and attempted to beat the tar out of me, I left and never looked back. No matter how much it hurt to not have him around, loneliness and SAFETY was preferable to risk that happening again. He tried every apology in the book, too, and even though I felt as if it killed me to do so I refused to take him back. It was tough, there were ups and downs, but life moved on and I found happiness again with my own life. Getting away is easy, it’s not going back that really takes it out of a person.
Rihanna doesn’t “deserve” to be hurt like that again, no one does. However, she shouldn’t be so surprised if it does. Makes one wonder what he said to her to make her feel as if she should be back with him, or what their management companies said. There’s a famous saying “Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas”. I hope Rihanna does some soul-searching and realizes it’s best for her to move on with her life and take some time to enjoy being single.
There are some folks saying it, Pasta. But I believe it’s said out of a frustration rather than a vicious desire to see her hurt. It’s very difficult to see someone make what is in every respect a terrible mistake. However, abusers don’t start off choking someone. Their entire relationship has likely been slowly conditioning her to believe SHE caused this.
It’s a slow boil in a pot of water. She doesn’t even know she’s being cooked now. Her Daddy probably doesn’t even know where to help, he’s just afraid of losing contact entirely with his daughter.
In saying deserves, I wasn’t implying he should resume beating the everloving daylights out of her tonight… anything but seeing as no one should be doing that to anyone. However, Chronic said it best in saying she has so much more than most women have in getting out of this situation. Sally down the road very well could rock the boat much more in leaving her boyfriend/husband who has unlimited access to her than if she sticks it out — I still think it’s foolish, but a completely different story (mostly because in most cases if people were more discerning about who they got into a relationship with, so many problems could be avoided, but that is a soapbox for another day… and a generalization). As was also said, Chris has absolutely no legal hold on her life, and she could hire three very, very large body guards to be watching her at all times. However, she is letting emotions override logic, which is leading to big problems… and I guess that’s where the “deserves” comes from — meaning that she deserves losing any overwhelming sympathy. When she has every opportunity to get out, it just will not be surprising when it happens again and she cannot claim that she didn’t see it coming.
Geez some of you are harsh! Remember, she didn’t ask for your sympathy. I know almost everyone feels sorry for her and rightly so, but still. And I don’t think it matters that she’s 21 and an adult. If your kid is being beat up, you try to protect them. Even if they have the legal right to do as they please, that doesn’t mean you should leave them alone.
And how free is she really? Freedom is a state of mind. In a way she is like all the other women whose husbands/boyfriends beat them up- you can’t escape if your mind doesn’t tell you to put one foot in front of the other and get out.
What are you all feminists. dear god get a life. not like you really know what happens. It could all be made up. maybe you should take care of your own kids and relationships and shut the hell up
As for diddy, he really should be sticking his needle-diddy elsewhere than into other people’s business. But I’m not surprised he is condoning all this – to him this kinda behaviour is a norm, after all, this is the man who’s been abusing Kim Porter in every way possible for 10 yrs.
Anoynymous, one does not have to be a feminist to condemn domestic violence. Before you point fingers at everyone else about not knowing what really happened, you might want to stop assuming that the women posting here are a. feminists or b. not taking care of their own.
I suppose you think it’s okay to smack women around. I mean, if we are making assumptions here, that is what I would assume about you.
@the comment: “Seriously: Whatever. She’s as much to blame as he is now. Good enough for her.”
Honestly, who are you to judge? People who’ve never been abused shock me with the extent of their damning judgment. Do you know what it feels like to really be that afraid of a person? You wouldn’t be the tiniest bit afraid of a man who’ll beat the shit out of you on your way to a public event where you’re both expected? If he’s hitting her, he’s surely also telling her how useless she is without him, how awful she is, how no one else will ever love her like he does, and the rest of the sort of slop abusive partners tell their victims.
In those situations, you really do need help. You absolutely cannot do it on your own. If you’re alone in this, the abuser looks right and justified when s/he promises you’ll have nothing when you leave.
How dare you pretend to know exactly what kind of torment he’s put her through?
I think this is a set up to try to save the beater’s career. His side is probably going to pay her side an enormous amount of money, she’ll ‘’stay” with him until people no longer think he’s a liability and then, she’ll some up with some excuse to ”leave” him. That she would agree to such a thing makes me think the violence between them was nothing new…
I don’t believe for a minute that a 21 yr old, with big money, and men just waiting to see he single, would get bk together with him otherwise.
Btw, I hate that stupid umbrella song.
And as Simon usually says, Anonymous, yet here you are. As refreshing as it is to see a stupid post that isn’t in all caps, capital letters do have a function. Maybe with all that livin’ life you’re doing, you could pick up a book on the subject. And also? Sod off.
I understand the mentality of Rhianna going back. I was subjected to the ’slow boil’ of abusive mental reconditioning (thank you, Josie), and eventually, I actually believed I brought the abuse on myself. It starts very subtly: casual, cutting remarks, ‘accidental’ bruises…etc., then builds to something monsterous before you realize what’s happening. When you are broken down to the point that you have no self-respect anymore, you are willing to put yourself through all kinds of terrible situations, over and over…because in your own mind, you deserve it. It takes a lot of RE-conditioning in the opposite direction to see the folly of that line of thinking.
The whole, ‘If she doesn’t get out, she deserves whatever she gets’ type of attitude was thrown at me many times, as well. It’s a very judgmental thing to say, and actually borders on abuse itself. If you haven’t lived through it, you can’t possibly understand it (because it’s admittedly flawed logic). People shouldn’t tell others how to think or what they should feel. Abuse comes from a ‘power-over’, superior-type viewpoint, and statements like the above do as well. While it’s frustrating to sit by and watch someone return to their abuser over and over, it’s also usually the beginning of the process of detatchment (she had the courage to walk away once, albiet briefly. Next time might ’stick’).
The goal is to reach a place of ‘personal empowerment’. Once you get there, getting out is much easier. I wish Rhianna would focus on self-care, build her self-esteem, and quit trying to ‘help’ her abuser. He can’t change unless he WANTS to, but the co-dependency issues brought on by abuse make it very difficult to see that. She has her own issues to work through, and I hope she will use her many resources to get the help she needs.
I apologize for the novella, but thought I’d add my 2 cents, since I’ve actually ‘been there’ and struggled my way back to sanity. It’s a long road, and support is what she needs. Her father seems to understand that.
As I said before, she had a chance to make a difference for the girls who look up to her. Unfortunately, celebrities are role models for our young. Who knows? Maybe he will change.
Anonymous – Is that you Chris?
Valerie, you are probably 100% correct. Chris Brown is an asset to a lot of people and there is probably a lot of wheeling and dealing in order to protect that asset and their investment in him. How sad is that?
Mental picture of Anonymous:
5′-9″ tall
Advanced male pattern baldness
Weight: approximately 160 lbs (mostly in the gut area)
Pants are from the goodwill, and are faded and heavily stained
Wife Beater t-shirt, also heavily stained
A total of 5 teeth, 3 are black, all are nicotine stained
Is the King of his single-wide in Trailer Park, Anywhere, USA
*** shakes head to clear the mental Etch-O-Sketch ***
I’m usually not interested in arguing, much past making a few jokes here and there, but a lot of this sounds like pop-culture psychobabble. These two are multimillionaire “pop stars”, sorry I don’t know what else to call them. She wasn’t some poor women with five kids living in some shack in the mountains somewhere married to some unemployed welder or something, and didn’t have anywhere else to go.
“Mentally reconditioned”? Really? Exactly how long have these two 19 year olds been together? Chris Brown’s mastery of brainwashing is truly frightening. I want him kept away from me, because God only knows what that sinister mastermind will have me doing. He kicked her ass, she decided that was okay and went back to him. End of story.
Next time he pounds her teeth in she gets zero sympathy from me. I know, I know I’m an a**hole, and I’m wrong so don’t bother. Just call me an idiot and be done with it. I’m going to go make fun of Jennifer Aniston now.
Another perspective that no one has brought up is that abuse and victimization is a learned behavior and tends to run in families
I am not definitively saying her father was abusive but if she grew up in an abusive home then she would be more likely to seek that out as an adult.
Several people have made posts the include statements “…who are you to judge?” I hate this argument because what is wrong with making a judgement. I think people mistake the use with the word condemn. We are supposed to judge others behaviors.
Is Rhianna an idiot for going back to Chris? Of course she is!
Are there underlying reasons for her idiocy? Ys, but that does not change the fact that her decision appears stupid.
Does she deserve to be beaten again? No, but she should not be surprised when it happens again and as a friend or family member you can only stand by and watch her repeat her same mistakes so many times before you have to tell her she either needs to get help or you need to walk away.
I don’t understand how her father was not by her side immediately after it happened. If any man put his hands on my daughter you can bet your ass I would teach him the finer arts of bitch slapping first hand.
Okay. I fully realise that what I write here will piss off a whole bunch of readers, but I’m not the type of person who lets salient points go unspoken.
Rihanna IS completely and totally responsible for any further abuse which she incurs at the hands of Chris Brown. By returning to the situation, she is giving tacit permission to Brown to beat the sh*t out of her again and again and again and again and again.
Now lots of you have spoken up with the namby pamby “you don’t know what it’s like to be in that situation” excuse. And that’s exactly what it is: an excuse.
Because no one likes to admit that they have character flaws.
The fact of the matter is that abusive men seek out women willing to take abuse. They’re not the least bit interested in women with standards. Women who have their sh*t together wouldn’t give an abuser the time of day. Violent men seek out women who will accept their crap and thank them for it.
But self esteem? What about the poor women of the world who suffer daily from low self esteem? Rubish. The society which fed us the whole self esteem sham is the same that is now handing out government money to every Tom, Dick, and Dumbass who failed to understand simple salary to mortgage ratios.
If you’re in an abusive relationship it has nothing to do with your damnable self esteem. It’s because you failed to see the signs and mated yourself up with someone eager to smack you around.
I dated a guy who didn’t leave a tip for a clearly overburdened waitress on our first date. That was our only date. I dated a guy who dropped me off in the parking lot, didn’t wait to see if I got into my apartment safely. I figured it was a fluke, but on the second date he did the same thing, even after I explained that the lock was a piece of shit and that I once had to sleep at my parents because I couldn’t get in. I didn’t really need the second date to tell me he was a jerk, my error entirely.
Because people tell you who they are, right from the beginning. And if you don’t read the signals, you’re signing up for whatever chunk of hell they decide to shower on you.
That has nothing to do with self esteem. It has everything to do with intelligence.
Spousal abuse is a totally different keg of worms than parental abuse. You don’t choose your parents, so if they kick the bejezus out of you just for breathing, it’s not something you signed up for.
But you talked to the guy, you dated the guy, you bedded the guy, you chose to live with or marry or run off to Timbuktu with the guy… so if you ignored the signs, then you get to reap the poison you’ve sown.
The best thing Rihanna could have done was to throw the guy out on his keister. That would have sent a wonderful signal to all the young star watchers out there that when your boyfriend turns into Mr. Hyde, you dump the bastard. As an added bonus, Rihanna could have retraced in interview form, all the slap-happy signals she missed. Smart people learn from their mistakes.
And happy people learn from the mistakes of others, without wallowing in the same stupidity.
But that’s not what Rihanna did.
Not because she has low self esteem.
But because she’s dumb.
Anni, you might want to watch throwing around all that righteous indignation. I did, in fact, grow up in a household where there was some fairly nasty behavior (including being kicked with combat boots while on the floor, at age 15). So park the waahmbulance and preach the enabling gospel somewhere else, honey. I ain’t joining that church.
And nowhere did I say she DESERVED being beaten. My point was that she must not find it unacceptable enough to get her stupid ass out of that situation. If you’ve ever tried rescuing someone in that mindset, you’ll know that it really is up to her. Until and unless she grows a spine, and I think she just might be able to afford a store-bought one, I hope she’s happy in this because chances are it is not going to get better. That’s how it is, and I’m not sorry for stating the obvious.
Pasta, you have nothing but total support from me with your comment. Though yeah, bashing Jennifer Aniston is fun in a very dark way.
I can’t help but think that Valerie might have struck onto something truly odious: Brown’s “people” and Rhianna’s “people” pressuring Rhianna to get back with her abuser to save his career. Chris Brown makes money for a lot of people and he’s going to branch into movies as well. Why else would Diddy get involved?
It’s not going to be okay. He will do this again to her, especially if there’s a side issue of substance abuse we may not know about. Rhianna is indeed foolish to go back to him; having worked on DV cases before, I know abusees will rush to call the cops then quickly refuse to cooperate once the DA picks up the case. And thus the cycle begins anew. (There’s a reason why cops hate DV cases.) But if Brown causes her serious injury or pulls an O.J. on her, all of those vultures who pushed her to go back to him will have blood on their hands.
Pasta made a good point, these 2 have not been a couple all that long plus their careers keep them apart a lot. So how much “brain washing” can he have accomplished?
I still disagree.
“And nowhere did I say she DESERVED being beaten. My point was that she must not find it unacceptable enough to get her stupid ass out of that situation.”
No. That is not what it took for me. Congratulations on being better than me, then – no sarcasm, even – but it didn’t take my own bravery for my own situation. It took someone strong helping me haul my ass out, and it took loved ones reminding me I wasn’t as bad or terrible as he said he was. Again, congratulations on your bravery/getting over it on your own, but it’s still unfair to assume it’s like that for everyone.
You’re welcome to your opinion, Anni.
I just say that if CB is responsible for his own actions–and he IS–then so is Rihanna. Otherwise, we’re back to gender-based double standards, and those are the worst kind of BS.
Had she chosen to walk after this latest incident (which may or may not have been the first), it would no doubt have been written up to her “strength” and “determination”, not to whomever packed up her stuff and bundled her into a limo. She chose instead to stay, and that tells women out there in similar straits that not even a wealthy pop star can escape an abusive relationship. Period.
D—-: For some celebs, it apparently takes only a brief rinse.
Beige – You only have to look at “Kate” Holmes to see that.
Bravo, Anni and Delphi. I’m saddened that people still, in this day and age, resort to “she asked for it.”
OH FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE. Nobody said “she asked for it”, but some of us seem to insist on reading it that way, b/c it’s the PC thing to do. We said she blew a golden opportunity to help not only herself but others. We said she made a stupid, stupid, and stupid decision. And to the surprise of not me, here we are, holding Rihanna’s arms for Chris to smack her. MY GOD.
Gee, a girl goes to earn a paycheck for a day and comes back and sees all the amazing comments have been made! Pasta, right again. Minnow, thanks for articulating what I meant by “being discerning about relationships.” Seriously tired of people making people who think instead of playing victim and giving into emtions feel guilty for being, as has been said, “superior.”
However, I have a lot of doubts about this situation (did it really happen? who’s up for gobs of money as a result? who says this is a repeat incidient?) so I’m outie on this thread that barely contained hypocrisy to begin with…
“I just say that if CB is responsible for his own actions–and he IS–then so is Rihanna. Otherwise, we’re back to gender-based double standards, and those are the worst kind of BS.”
This only works if Rihanna leaves Chris Brown, goes on to be the abuser in a subsequent relationship, and then is not held accountable for being the *abuser*. It is not about male/female here, it is about abuser/abusee. The abusee is not just as responsible for the abuse as the person committing the abuse.
Can I just say that I hope a small group of old fashioned men take Chris for a short ride to a private place and make a small but permanent change in his face so that everytime he looks in a mirror for the rest of his life he remembers what a matrue and thoughtful “big man” he was and still is? Don’t kill him. Just scar him bigtime.
It’s called a “battered woman’s syndrome”. Why is everyone so surprised that she went back to him? Wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but that’s what the abuse victims do – abuse happens in cycels, this is the cycle of abuse. He abuses her, then seeks forgiveness, they reconcile (it’s called honeymoon), then the tension starts rising, then he abuses her again. God knows how many cycles it takes for a victim to finally leave for good.
And I wish people would stop bashing Rihanna, calling her “stupid”, “an idiot”, etc., etc. Let’s not forget that she is till the victim in all of this. It’s amazing how quick people are to judge and condemn. People passing judgement is part of the reason why so many times domestic violence goes unreported. According to some of you if my husband/wife abuses me, I’m stupid, because I chose him/her and I deserve all the consequences of my stupidity, right? I’m sure this warped logic must make the victims feel even better!
The victims of domestic violence need all the support they can get – true friends, caring family members, gently trying to convince them to leave the abuser. They need tons and tons of support. With “friends” like needle-diddy and family members like her dimwit dad who’d rather see his own daughter get miketysoned all over LA than be cut off financially, I’m not sure support is what Rihanna’s getting.
It’s “cycles” and “still”…typos ftl
“I’m sure this warped logic makes the victims feel even better than they already do” is what I was actually trying to type in
I am going to preface this by restating that no one deserves abuse. However, why is everyone so accepting of this “cycle of abuse”, especially in a case like Rihanna’s? Yes, a lot of victims go back to the abuser several times before they finally make a final break or are killed. Fine, but why is this excusable? Just because it’s a pattern of behavior doesn’t mean that it’s an acceptable one, or one that’s going to make me feel much sympathy for the abused, especially when you are a wealthy, famous, individual that has every opportunity to make that break with no fuss.
She’s not the woman down the street with no money, five kids, and nowhere to go. The woman down the street would actually have some sympathy from me in this situation because can truly say she is trapped. Rihanna cannot say that, and comparisons to Ike and Tina don’t hold water because she is not, as I have mentioned before, married or dependent on Chris Brown for money or a career. It is also a way different era where domestic violence is talked about and not as acceptable as it was when Ike and Tina were together.
Not having sympathy for someone is not the same as saying she deserves the beat down.
For the record, congrats to you, Minnow, and the rest of you ’strong’ women on your gift of discernment. I actually enjoy seeing women who didn’t need a lesson in self-respect show the rest of us how it’s done. Really, examples like yours are the kind of perspective abused women need to see in order to understand how important personal boundaries are in interpersonal relationships. So thanks for your strong words.
That said, not everyone has that kind of perspective. If you were raised in an abusive home, ‘normal’ means being on the business end of abuse. Isn’t it logical, then, that accepting abusive behavior would continue into romantic relationships? As for my personal experience, I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic family. My abuser was beaten by his father and abandoned by his mother at age 15. With that background in both of our families, where was the foundation for mutuality and respect in a relationship?
What I don’t understand is where my story (and other people’s stories) got labeled with a ‘victim’ mentality. I don’t consider myself a victim of abuse. I consider myself a survivor. I took responsibility for the bad choices I made (this is a wonderful step in recovery, because realizing you had a hand in your misfortunes shows you that you CAN control your life). It took a lot of hard work and honest soul-searching to get to a point where I felt healthy enough to leave my abuser, and I’m damned proud of that work. And that’s where I feel you went wrong, Minnow. Since you obviously don’t understand the mindset of the abused, you call them stupid? If it doesn’t match your strong perspective, it’s dumb? ‘Salient’ points can be made well enough without calling people derogatory names. I can respect your opinion (many people who haven’t experienced abuse feel the same way), but that was actually a rather abusive way to make a point, in my opinion.
“This only works if Rihanna leaves Chris Brown, goes on to be the abuser in a subsequent relationship, and then is not held accountable for being the *abuser*. It is not about male/female here, it is about abuser/abusee. The abusee is not just as responsible for the abuse as the person committing the abuse.”
Anonymous, you are apparently deliberately misreading or misrepresenting my point. The double standard applies when we insist that the abuser–in this case Chris Brown–is responsible for his actions, while the recipient of the abuse–Rihanna–is not. Now, nobody here said she MADE him beat her. In fact, if you’ve paid attention, that’s exactly the mindset we were militating against. What she IS responsible for, is getting out. Delphi makes that point in her post: “I took responsibility for the bad choices I made (this is a wonderful step in recovery, because realizing you had a hand in your misfortunes shows you that you CAN control your life).”
Now, I haven’t claimed to be “superior” to anyone on this, because I’m not. But I DO see the folly inherent in enabling anyone not only to abuse, but to stay in an abusive situation while accepting the frowny faces and head-shaking of well-wishers. If we really wish someone well, and I’m assuming we do, then acting all “Bless her heart, she can’t do any better” is BS, because usually “she” can, and Rihanna can do better than most, at least materially. Don’t anybody give me a boo-boo kitty face about how it’s “mean” or “cruel” to be disgusted with the whole thing, because it’s not as much about feelings, as it is about will.
DAMN, people.
Habanada declares — Minnow wins!
Thanks Habanada.
You’re always good for a smile, so a great big habanada to you
Delphi~
First off, let me say that I fully read and absorbed what you wrote. You stated your points clearly with your heart on your sleeve. I respect that immensely.
But now, as a favor to me, take a quick look around. Go ahead, what do you see? Do you see a fluffy couch with a coordinating afghan artfully draped over one arm? Is there a Walmart tabletop Zen water garden bubbling in the corner? Any posters featuring paraplegic mountain climbers with “FORTITUDE” in the bottom margin?
No?
Maybe that’s because we’re not in Dr. Phil’s office. We’re sitting here on a website. Is this website soft and cushy? Nope. Folks here are sharp and blunt. If you don’t duck, if you can’t take a dig, you’re likely to get gobsmacked with a backhand.
We’re here to laugh. We’re here to enjoy dry wit and a good obscure reference. We’re here to hit it. We’re here because we all thought we were the only ones who noticed that Barb Wire’s face is slowly morphing into a leather ottoman.
What we’re not here for is therapy.
I’d never barge into a battered women’s safehouse and rant my little rant. But on a website which caters to calling a ho a ho in six words or less, it was perfectly appropriate (but yes, a little long winded).
Unfortunately, the political correctness movement has killed rational debate. All someone has to do is pipe up with a “you don’t understand what it’s like” and suddenly all valuable conversation is extinguished to protect the feelings of the infringed. Seriously. You can’t make a crack about albino homosexual pygmy goats for fear that someone in the room was raised by one.
When we loose the ability to debate, we loose our ability to think for ourselves.
And we’re reaping the results of that in the US. We’re in the midst of a stupidfest right now because we’re letting the establishment do our thinking.
Lest I orate further, let’s go back to the topic at hand… we’re here on a public website which doesn’t cater to broken down and beat up women, so it’s okay to boil down years of coddling and therapy into one quick motto: stop repeating stupid behavior.
Yes, I could write a long thesis about all the mitigating factors that go into an emaciated, camera hungry starlette running back into the arms of an angel-voiced predator but ultimately what she did is incredibly stupid.
What Rihanna did was dumb. Foolish. Idiotic. Plum crazy in a Margot Kidder dancing naked in the 405 median sort of daftness.
I see nothing wrong with saying that here.
Minnow, you kick so much ass you got everybody walkin’ all funny. I heart you.
Minnow, you kick ass.
It wouldn’t surprise me if Rihanna and Chris Brown were married, and have been for months already
Rihanna or any girl in this situation………
Don’t! Just don’t! listen to your heart and head………..it IS telling you to walk away! Anyone who is justifying what he did……………..IS WRONG!!!! HE WILL HIT YOU/HURT YOU AGAIN!!! IT IS IN HIS SOUL TO DO THIS! look online at verbal and physical abuse web sites. same story, millions of people/women being emotionally and physically abused. Chris is the poster boy for the abusive boyfriend. run as fast as you can, girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t waste another minute!! You are worth so much more! You are worth peace and serenity…….not walking on eggshells, angry abusive tirades and fists in the face!!!
If he did it once, he WILL do it again!!! Get out NOW!!!!!!
By the way, here is the police affidavit as to what happened that night
http://www.foxnews.com/projects/pdf/brownpolicereport.pdf
It was all over the news yesterday – what he did to her, with all the gory details. Made me sick to my stomach. I can’t beleive, i just can’t beleive she went back to him. The judge has issued an order of protection. Here:
http://www.etonline.com/documents/et_cbrown_minuteandprotectiveorder_090306.pdf
protective order…sry. Level one protectrive order.
Wow. He’s a real prince, isn’t he? Once he ascertained that the cops did in fact have his name, and that there were witnesses of a sort, suddenly he’s all about getting help, suddenly he’s sorry. Is there an actual low-grade-level textbook for this kind of crap, because just about every smeghead out there says the same things at the same time? Seriously–does Chapter Three cover “You’re Caught: Faking Remorse”, or what?
So in California, they can ticket you for driving while on a cell phone…
What’s the penalty for holding your girlfriend in a headlock and strangling her while driving?
Oh wait, it says he pulled over.
Good thinking.
Safety first.