Throughout the history of rap, there has been no better-respected arbiter of street credibility than Gwyneth Paltrow. Once again, the gaunt gangsta has set her sights on a punk-ass rapper who’s “played out” and “totally wack,” but this time he’s the costar of one of her many movies you’re never ever going to see:
Paltrow, who stars with Joaquin Phoenix in the film “Two Lovers,” isn’t convinced that he’s given up his acting career to focus on rapping.
“I’m not a hundred percent sure that that’s really going to be the case,” she told MTV UK during a promotional junket for the film. “I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I’m not quite sure what, but I can’t believe that he’s really going to quit forever to become a rapper. It seems odd…”
“What advice would I give to Joaquin?” she laughed. “Hmm… maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe.”
Proper!
As you’ll recall, Paltrow’s own brief rap career, under the moniker MC Aneemikk, came to an ignominious end after her first single, “Best Get Out My Face, Biatch (Or I Might Just Have to Lose Your Invitation to the Wine-Tasting)” failed to chart in the Billboard Top 100,000.
Actual fact I did not just make up: She’s close friends with Jay-Z. This, among other reasons, might be why nobody cares about Jay-Z anymore.
(Hat tip to The Superficial)
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I got another one from CDAN yesterday that I LOVED:
What happened to all those stories a few months ago where the entire world had already joined the club and there was a waiting list and even Gwyneth’s mom had drank the Kool Aid and said she hoped she would be able to get a membership. Now, it is just like any other health club in America, although with this one you do get outrageous monthly fees in the $400 range and get to pay almost $5000 just for the privilege of joining, which no one appears to want to do.
On the plus side, you would get to watch Gwyneth Paltrow work out. As an added bonus, I heard she will personally critique or criticize all the customers at the gym and tell them what they are doing wrong with their lives and how she can make everything perfect for them just like her life is perfect. She will be offering seminars on how she got to be so perfect and of course her ultra exclusive premium newsletter which, unlike the free one, has a horoscope personally prepared by Gwyneth, her meat grilling tips, and comes with a free copy of Shallow Hal.
Spot on, Queen Bee.
I would buy her album in a heartbeat (I especially love that catchy moniker).
Somebody’s angling for a win in her bracket match-up…
Commentary is from Crazy Days and Nights so I can’t take credit for that. However, it is further proof that Gwyneth is so utterly clueless as to why people don’t like her. It’s like, gosh, we should all want to spend thousands of dollars to bask in the glow of her holiness. Perhaps, if we rub elbows with her, some of her sheer perfection will rub off on the rest of us.
We can only hope to be so perfect.
Ah, Gwyneth. I can’t really even say anything to that. I just don’t know where to start.
Dang, Gwyneth REALLY wants the Deceiver Of The Year win. She hasn’t pursued anything so aggressively since she won that Oscar in ‘99. When she heard Lindsay Lohan had a warrant out for her arrest, she got busy…first her gym issues, next this nonsense about authenticity.
Ball’s back in your court, LiLo.
Is someone on the Deceiver staff trying to persuade the voters? I know this might be tough, but until the contestants are out of the running, all new deceptions/hpyocricy should be stayed.
Too bad.
tips@deceiver.com
That is funny! It is not like the guys and gals here on deceiver.com make up this stuff. These idiots do this to themselves. To not report on it would be undeceiver like.
Wow. Ain’t nobody can make me projectile-vomit like the Gwynstyr. PLEASE, Gwynny, BE MY FRIEND!
Or dry up and blow away. That’s also an option.
Every time I see a picture of the Gwynstyr, I want to kick her and her loser husband right in the nuts, scream vulgar words, and make obscene gestures at people. I would also like to charge her and idiot husband with crimes against humanity for breeding. And while I’m at it, I would like somebody to give me the winning lotto numbers so I can run for President. When I win, I promise to revoke her’s and Sean Penns US citizenship, have the CIA conduct Black ops against Peta and anybody else who pisses me off that day. I also promise to have Simon, Holly, and the Oversneer as my prime cabinet advisors.
Swede0319 in 2012!
Hey, that’s proof that they CAN get stupider by the day.
LOL……Swede0319, you said it best!!
Isn’t Joaquin’s “rap career” supposed to be some sort of a prank/mockumentary thing? With Casey Affleck following him around with his camera, filming everything JP says and does? I used to like Casey Aflleck, you know…back in the 90’s, when he was kinda hot. The he decided to borrow Ed Burns’ voice…ugh…
I recently stumbled upon an article in which Gwyneth P claims to be able to “match the moves of the NY subway hip hop dancers” (original quote). I’d pay to see that.