I don’t know what I was expecting Heidi Montag Pratt to say while interviewed by husband Spencer Pratt in her big Playboy debut, but I didn’t anticipate it being quite so vomit-inducing. Call me naïve.
Us Weekly, of course, has all the gory details:
“You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer,” she tells Spencer, who interviews her for the issue. “I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day.”
The oddest place they’ve done it?
This past New Year’s Eve on a private plane.
Heidi calls it “the best experience I’ve ever had in my entire life.”
“I feel sorry for couples who aren’t as sexually satisfied as we are,” she adds.
But Heidi says she’ll never film their conquests (incidentally, Spencer claims once again that a Lauren Conrad sex tape “exists,” despite previous denials).
Astute Speidi fans (a contradiction in terms if there ever was one) may notice that New Year’s Eve predated their April wedding. Excuse my delicate sensibilities, but bragging about doin’ it on a Gulfstream V out of wedlock doesn’t seem in line with her whole Christian reinvention. And Spencer recently apologized for making up the L.C. sex tape, so that’s quite the bird he’s flipping again now.
But you know, whatever. It’s cool. Mother Teresa would have done the same thing.
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Oh come ON! She’s more of a modern version of Mother Theresa. You know, the pre-marital-sex-having-private-jet-flying-posing-naked-attention-whore version of Mother Theresa.
THAT version.
I’d tap it.
Mother Theresa that is….I wouldn’t want to even be in the same room as Heidi for fear of catching whatever brain disease that she and her “husband” obviously both have.
Spencer: Heidi, how much do I pleasure you?
Heidi: Lots Spencer I swear I’m totally in love! *eyes turn into swirly red and white lines*
Seriously? The first thing that went through my head when I saw that picture was “Ewwwww! Don’t want to touch it!”
“Excuse my delicate sensibilities, but bragging about doin’ it on a Gulfstream V out of wedlock doesn’t seem in line with her whole Christian reinvention. ”
Well let’s see, there’s lust, gluttony, pride, vanity and greed all kind of wrapped up in that one act. She definitely seems bound and determined to inspire envy but leaves us feeling hate. She’s made a clean sweep of the seven deadly sins.
I forget where I read this at, but they said that Heidi is clothed in the spread and no nipples, vagina or ass will be shown, however the 3rd part was not true as her husband Spencer was the one who did the interview. Barf, gag.
When I first read it, I didn’t think it was real. Seriously. I checked to see if I was on The Onion’s site. It’s *that* unfuckingbelievable.
You know what made me chuckle, though?
“…to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms.”
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Just when you thought they couldn’t sink any lower…
@Freak Show, I’m sure she’s mistaking “orgasms” with “instances of higher brain activity”
Know why she had to TELL Spencer about those umpteen orgasms?
Because he’s never there when they happen, that’s why.
Jeez, I shouldn’t have read this post before making dinner. Blech.
“Zomg Spencer we r lyk so totalee awsum at teh secks. Sux 4 u ppl who rnt selebritties wit all ur bad secks having.”
I’m leaving the premarital sex thing out of it, since I’m a Christian who doesn’t necessarily have a problem with the concept. I’m just sick of these two and their “omg luk how awsum are lyvs r u guise!” need to reaffirm their feelings of “importance.” That alone screams “insecure” to me.
Beige, I about fried the monitor with spit…………………ROFLMAO!!!!
Really.
“Opens up” heeheehee
@ TheIrish:
I don’t think she has that many instances of higher brain activity either. Maybe she’s faking that too.
Ewewewewewewewewewewewewewewew.
Just.Can’t.Handle.It.
Who’s got the brain bleach?
these people are so pathetic and low. seriously, who cares about your sex life? and holly i thought the same thing. the fake elopement MTV paid for last year didn’t count, so having sex out of wedlock when she’s a “GOOD CHRISTIAN”? right. her parents must be so humiliated and hopefully they’ll disown her fake ass. also, why is there a horse on the beach in that picture?
I’d hit it…but 20-30 times a day?
I’m wondering: If there are 20 to 30 scrumpiefests going on DAILY, don’t they need, like, pumice stone or something? Because…
Urp. Bleaggh. Gotta run.
I’m assuming it’s more than one each time…
Why are you people putting these thoughts in my head?!
You said it…..puke! What a couple of douches. Pardon my french.
Is she getting orgasms and sneezes confused again? After all, they’re both types of convulsions….
So not only is Pratt a Good Christian but she’s also an Elite Member of the Sexually Affluent? Please…her pretentious, narcissistic ass gets banged like anyone else’s.
The Soup did a great parody of her Playboy shoot last night, try to catch it if you can this week on reruns if you didn’t see it last night.
“Elite Member of the Sexually Affluent” is a nice coinage. That ought to be a merit badge in one scouting group or another. Probably IS, as a matter of fact.
Or a “secret” society.
Hmmmm…I should start a club, or something.