Let’s say you’re a pop star. You’re not, but just hypothetically. You’re a pop star, and you do something stupid. Not just “flash your panties” stupid, or “exchange bodily fluids with Lindsay Lohan” stupid. Something really, really bad. Like, say, beating the hell out of your girlfriend, who’s even more famous than you are.

You spend months and months dodging responsibility for it, blaming everybody but yourself. You call the people who criticize you “haters.” Eventually somebody sits you down and convinces you to apologize publicly, but then a month later you claim you can’t even remember what you did. “That’s not me or who I am,” you say.

Generally, you’re a huge jackass.

What’s your next step? How about pissing off Oprah?

TMZ:

Oprah Winfrey is firing back at the comments Chris Brown made about her in the new People Magazine.

Here’s the background: People had asked Brown about the fact that Oprah did “a show on abuse, inspired by Rihanna.” Chris replied:

“I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘Okay, I’m going to help both of these people out.’”

Dear Chris Brown: You are a notorious woman-beater. You probably shouldn’t describe what you think of as a personal slight as a “slap in the face.” You should probably avoid any sort of pugilistic metaphors whatsoever.

If that’s too complicated for you, here’s the preschool version: Stop talking.

Here was the response from one of Oprah’s lackeys, by the way:

“Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs.”

Is it just me, or did it get really cold in here? Which is weird, considering that burning bridge over there.

Well, good luck selling your album, dummy. Maybe Byron Allen will still talk to you.