Let’s say you’re a pop star. You’re not, but just hypothetically. You’re a pop star, and you do something stupid. Not just “flash your panties” stupid, or “exchange bodily fluids with Lindsay Lohan” stupid. Something really, really bad. Like, say, beating the hell out of your girlfriend, who’s even more famous than you are.
You spend months and months dodging responsibility for it, blaming everybody but yourself. You call the people who criticize you “haters.” Eventually somebody sits you down and convinces you to apologize publicly, but then a month later you claim you can’t even remember what you did. “That’s not me or who I am,” you say.
Generally, you’re a huge jackass.
What’s your next step? How about pissing off Oprah?
Oprah Winfrey is firing back at the comments Chris Brown made about her in the new People Magazine.
Here’s the background: People had asked Brown about the fact that Oprah did “a show on abuse, inspired by Rihanna.” Chris replied:
“I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘Okay, I’m going to help both of these people out.’”
Dear Chris Brown: You are a notorious woman-beater. You probably shouldn’t describe what you think of as a personal slight as a “slap in the face.” You should probably avoid any sort of pugilistic metaphors whatsoever.
If that’s too complicated for you, here’s the preschool version: Stop talking.
Here was the response from one of Oprah’s lackeys, by the way:
“Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs.”
Is it just me, or did it get really cold in here? Which is weird, considering that burning bridge over there.
Well, good luck selling your album, dummy. Maybe Byron Allen will still talk to you.
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What not to do? Piss off Oprah who could have helped you regain trust by having him on there. Then again, he did beat his girlfriend to a bloody pulp so I would like to think he would not get any airtime. So much for his reserrection tour
Byron Allen, hilarious reference. Seriously, who is that guy? I have only seen his show at 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning on some obscure channel. Draw your own conclusions. (Read: I was drunk.) The guy will interview a fluff girl, won’t he?
I’m going to laugh when his album is released. Didn’t he say it was supposed to come out in the summer? I think he’s stalling because he STILL can’t face the music.
That moron missed the 24-hour window where he could have apologized for his actions, found religion and went in therapy. This is the solid proof that he’s a moron and/or got no PR guys to fix his mess. Now, he’s just acting like a brain-damaged thug.
Gosh, that baby-blue set is the things nightmares are made of.
What the hades is he wearing??? I can understand him not wanting to appear too thuggish but baby blue sweater and bow tie???
He needs someone to shop for him and dress him. He’s really channeling Pee Wee.
@evil_tarantula his outfit is what happens when you are unable to get any woman to help you shop for an outfit because pretty much every female in America is afraid of being within an arms reach.
Despite his sense of fashion, I’m sure his Album will do well. Pretty much everyone is already expecting it to be full of hits.
*ducks*
I was going to say that that outfit is what happens when your mama dresses you with a 40-ounce in one hand and a leather whoopin’ belt in the other.
Chris Brown, when you absolutely, positively have to piss off the whole world OVERNIGHT. One-stop shopping for all your f**ktard needs.
Carlton!
I’m sorry, I just insulted the real Carlton.
A nice thought; Did anyone noticed that he’s dressed as a Piñata?
i’m eating frozen yogurt right now, and after reading the lindsay lohan thing, i started coughing.
Byron Allen used to be one of the “hosts” of the 1970’s TV show “Real People”, along with (IIRC) Sarah Purcell, Skip Stephenson, and John Barbour.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_People
Damn, I’m so old…
“You probably shouldn’t describe what you think of as a personal slight as a “slap in the face.” You should probably avoid any sort of pugilistic metaphors whatsoever.”
LOVE it.
I think the inside of his head is a very lonely place.
Really, does he have even two neurons to rub together?
I’m sorry, but why on earth would you want him to “Stop Talking”? Is it just me or does anyone else relish and see the irony in his tantrum about getting a “Slap in my Face”?
Please Chris, keep talking. It’s the quickest way to get rid of you.
Random posting:
I just want to say thanks to the writing staff of both the articles and comments here. You guys keep my sides sore and have collective wit that has more bite than a chinese buffet. The humor delivered at the expense of those who deserve it is almost too much to handle at once. This site cannot possibly be real.
Basically, you people give me hope for humanity. Thank you for being such a bright spot in my day.
Yikes, he looks like he’s dressed for Louis Farrakhan’s Nation of Islam! Erm, except for the two girly earrings.
@quigonkick, you are a person of rare taste and discernment.
Most of the time, new folks just jump on here with “U awl hatrs on mah MAN CHRIS yo step 2 it if U plz”. Because nothing says “eloquence” and “cogent reasoning” like a “Purple Rain” grammar textbook.
I agree with Beige. I’ve written a comedy sketch involving classic songs and Ebonics. Even my teenage coworkers laugh at it, so it must be good.
….Youtube or it didn’t happen.
Great now we have to stare at Chris Brown’s ugly mug for an entire weekend
Hoohoo! Whichever PR firm is writing his scripts is also dressing him now.
How many feet does he have left to keep shooting or chewing on?
Looking at Chris Brown’s blue ensemble for an entire weekend is almost as disconcerting as looking at Piven’s skeevey face. Who told Brown that sweater and bowtie get up looked good.
Beige, in defense of His Purpleness, Chris Brown and many internet posters make Prince look like William F. Buckley.
You know something? Prince pulled some weird stuff back in the day, but IIRC, he didn’t beat up on chicks and then whine about how it was his upbringing or his culture or how he was the victim in the whole thing. Last I heard, he was passing out copies of “The Watchtower”. AND SHUTTING UP.