Awards shows are a fun way for rich and famous people to tell each other how wonderful and necessary they are. And to make world-class asses of themselves!

If that video has been taken down already (MTV doesn’t want people seeing it for some reason), here’s a transcript:

Some douche with tall hair: And the moon-man for Best Female Video goes to… Taylor Swift!

[CROWD CHEERS. CUT TO AN OPENLY ASTONISHED TAYLOR SWIFT GETTING UP, HUGGING ONE OF HER FRIENDS, AND APPROACHING THE STAGE.]

Taylor Swift: Thank you so much! I always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe win one of these someday, but I never actually thought that it would happen. Uh, I sing country music, so thank you so much for giving me a chance to win a VMA award! I…

[CROWD CHEERS. CUT TO A DELIGHTED PINK APPLAUDING. CUT BACK TO THE BIGGEST JERK ALIVE SUDDENLY NEXT TO SWIFT, HAVING GRABBED HER MICROPHONE OUT OF HER HAND.]

The Biggest Jerk Alive: Yo, Taylor! I, I’m really happy for you, I’m-a let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!

[MIXED CHEERS AND BOOS AT THE BIGGEST JERK ALIVE POINTS TO BEYONCE AND GLARES AT THE CROWD. CUT TO A CLEARLY MORTIFIED BEYONCE MOUTHING, "OH MY GOD!" THE BIGGEST JERK ALIVE THEN SHRUGS AND HANDS THE MIC BACK TO SWIFT, WHO STANDS THERE SPEECHLESS AND PETRIFIED FOR 10 FULL SECONDS WHILE SOMEBODY IN THE CONTROL BOOTH TRIES TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO NEXT.]

The Biggest Jerk Alive, who reportedly was loaded on Hennessey, was thrown out of the building while Swift sobbed backstage. Later in the show, Beyonce won some other award and invited Swift onstage to finish her hijacked acceptance speech. Whatever you think of Beyonce, at least she’s not The Biggest Jerk Alive.

Rolling Stone has the text of The Biggest Jerk Alive’s rambling “apology” on his blog (without the original ALL CAPS):

“I’m sooooo sorry to taylor swift and her fans and her mom. I spoke to her mother right after and she said the same thing my mother would’ve said. She is very talented! I like the lyrics about being a cheerleader and she’s in the bleachers! …………………… i’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment!……………. beyonce’s video was the best of this decade! I’m sorry to my fans if I let you guys down! I’m sorry to my friends at mtv. I will apologize to taylor 2mrw. welcome to the real world! everybody wanna booooo me but i’m a fan of real pop culture! No disrespect but we watchin’ the show at the crib right now cause … well you know! i’m still happy for taylor! Boooyaaawwww! you are very very talented! I gave my awards to outkast when they deserved it over me… that’s what it is!! i’m not crazy yall, i’m just real. Sorry for that! I really feel bad for taylor and i’m sincerely sorry! Much respect!!”

Are you feeling the sincerity and respect? Maybe he’ll have a better response ”2mrw.”

Looks like he panicked and deleted that post, but here’s a representative comment on his most recent post:

GoodMorning23 | September 13, 2009
f*** you you f***ing a******. you were my favorite artist but now i see you’re just a dumbass. i’m never buying another one of your records or going to one of your concerts. i’ll punch you in the face if i ever see you in public. again, f*** you.

This really can’t be said enough.

I don’t know much about Taylor Swift or her music, but she seems like a sweet kid. It’s too bad she had to be there when The Biggest Jerk Alive finally destroyed his stupid career.

Update: The Daily Telegraph adds:

The celebrity crowd was unforgiving of West. When Diddy read West’s name later in the show while introducing the nominees for best male video, the crowd booed, and Diddy said in mock surprise, “What happened?”

Update: Who knew Katy Perry was capable of saying something that perfectly captures the moment? From her Twitter page:

F*** U KANYE. IT’S LIKE U STEPPED 0N A KITTEN.

Update: Kelly Clarkson to TBJA:

It’s absolutely fascinating how much I don’t like you.

And according to Fox News, here’s what was going on in the audience:

Eventually, audience members rose to their feet and booed the rapper down as cameras captured a mortified Beyonce. West took his seat (to make matters worse, time was up and Swift didn’t even have a chance to fire back) and controversy continued to ensue as a multitude of celebs told him off, prompting security to circle the area.

Good for them. Just because you’re talentless doesn’t necessarily mean you’re heartless.

I look forward to the Beyonce/Taylor Swift cover of “Ebony and Ivory.”

Update: Kanye, or possibly a somewhat more rational person who has admin access to Kanye’s blog, just posted this:

I feel like Ben Stiller in “Meet the Parents” when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave… That was Taylor’s moment and I had no right in any way to take it from her. I am truly sorry.

Not quite the cinematic analogy I’d have picked, and it’s still too self-pitying by half, but I’m trying to keep in mind that he’s never really done this before: admit fallibility.