If you’ve been watching the network news lately, you haven’t heard a word about Climategate. Which might be one indication why nobody watches the network news anymore. But if you have access to this cool new thing called the Internet — which you do, right? — there’s all sorts of information about climate scientists faking evidence and stifling their critics, and about the frantic efforts to explain it all away by everyone with an investment in the idea that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM GLOBAL WARMING. It’s become a big business, all this Green stuff. So it’s only, ahem, natural that the people with a lot to lose are reluctant to admit the game is up.

That’s why the United Nations climate change conference in Copenhagen next week is going to be so much fun. The London Times has a good roundup of the various celebrity ecocrites flying around telling us not to fly around — Sheryl Crow, John Travolta, Harrison Ford, Oprah, Trudie Styler, U2, Chris Martin, Al Gore, Prince Charles, et al. — and also points out:

The Copenhagen summit next week will generate vast quantities of hot air. It will see 16,500 people coming in from 192 countries. That amounts to 41,000 tons of carbon dioxide, roughly the same as the carbon emissions of Morocco in 2006. Also, the organisers will lay 900 kilometres of computer cable and 50,000 square miles of carpet. More than 200,000 meals will be served and visitors will drink 200,000 cups of coffee — at least that will be organic.

When asked if the carbon footprint might have been reduced by turning Copenhagen into a video conference, a spokesman for the event said: “For such a major agreement, people need to meet together and negotiate face to face. We have delegates from all over the world. Video-conferencing systems are extremely useful, but they don’t match the personal touch. This is one of the main factors in having a good conference.”

This might make sense if there were anything to negotiate. But there isn’t. It’s a hoax. The only reason all these people need to widen their carbon footprints to attend this thing is that they want to be seen attending. They want you to watch them save the world. That’s probably why Obama finally decided to go. What good is being a selfless servant of mankind if nobody knows about it?

If they really thought what they were saying was true, they’d never take another airy-plane ride in their lives. Carbon offsets? Treehugga please. How many mango trees can you possibly plant to offset so much alleged environmental destruction? Not that you’re planting them yourself, of course. You’re donating a minuscule portion of your wealth to somebody who tells you they’re planting mango trees. Which gives you a sense of smug satisfaction as you jet all over the world telling people to stop getting to their jobs on time and seeing where they’re going at night.

The good news is that all these famous people can stop feeling guilty about living like human beings. You’re not really killing the polar bears, Leonardo DiCaprio. You can stop recycling your bathwater, Ed Begley. Seriously. Please stop recycling your bathwater. You have to be around other people.

Update: Commenter Vince asks, “Whatever happened to the Ozone Hole?”

Update: Ah, here’s what happened to the Ozone Hole… It’s fixing itself! Which is now bad, because it’ll cause more global warming or something. Whatever, just shut up and pay your taxes, rubes.