You might think Nancy Pelosi maintains that grotesque semblance of youth by spending a fortune on plastic surgery. Guess again, dummy! It’s all about eating right.

In the cover story on Pelosi in the latest New York magazine, writer Vanessa Grigoriadis includes this wonderful little nugget (emphasis mine):

Suddenly, a door opens, and a beaming servant zooms to Pelosi’s side, stooping to show her the contents of his platter: a delicate bowl, piled high with two luscious scoops of dark-chocolate ice cream.

She lets out something you’ve never heard from her before, at least not on TV: a tremendously long and high-pitched giggle, like one that would come from a girl about a half-century younger. “Hee-hee-hee-hee,” she goes, pushing her chin to the sky. “Oh, no, Michael,” she says, “I don’t want that now. Later, later!”

Chocolate ice cream is the staple of Pelosi’s diet: She doesn’t cook herself, so except for a salad for lunch and whatever an aide hands her for dinner, that’s what she eats. “I think that’s the first time she’s ever turned it down,” whispers her personal assistant, later. “The other day, she came in at 8:45 a.m. carrying a pint of Häagen-Dazs with an inch left in it–she’d eaten the whole thing on the way in. She handed it off to Michael, and then two hours later, she said, ‘Where’s that ice cream? Can I eat the rest of that?’”

Ice cream for breakfast. And lunch! How delightful.

It sounds like Nancy Pelosi thinks she knows best what to put in her own tum-tum. She thinks she can decide whether to eat unhealthy foods at all hours of the day, every day. It’s not like she doesn’t know it’s bad for her. Of course it’s bad for her. But she doesn’t need anybody else telling her what to do. Nancy doesn’t need a nanny.

In a completely unrelated story, Nation’s Restaurant News reports:

WASHINGTON (Oct. 29, 2009) Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi Thursday introduced a sweeping, $894 billion health care bill that also includes provisions for menu labeling.

The 1,990-page bill outlines general nutrient-labeling requirements for restaurants and retail establishments that are part of a chain with 20 or more outlets.

Those restaurants affected would be required to prominently post calorie counts for standard items on menus and menu boards as well as calories per serving for each item on a buffet, salad bar, cafeteria line or self-service display…

Restaurateurs also would be required to post a brief statement regarding daily caloric intake “designed to enable the public to understand, in the context of a total daily diet, the significance of the nutrition information that is provided.”

See, because you’re not smart enough to figure out that the Big Mac you’re munching on and the buttons you can’t get closed on your Levi’s might have something to do with each other. How the hell are you supposed to know? Who can save you from your own fatassedness? Why, the government, of course.

And how about this, from p. 1213(!) of the Pelosicare bill:

(viii) VENDING MACHINES.–In the case of an article of food sold from a vending machine that (I) does not permit a prospective purchaser to examine the Nutrition Facts Panel before purchasing the article or does not otherwise provide visible nutrition information at the point of purchase; and (II) is operated by a person who is engaged in the business of owning or operating 20 or more vending machines, the vending machine operator shall provide a sign in close proximity to each article of food or the selection button that includes a clear and conspicuous statement disclosing the number of calories contained in the article.

Or else you might think those Doritos give you rock-hard abs and fight cancer.

Do you think Nancy Pelosi ever pauses in her high-pitched giggling over her breakfast pint of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream to look at the number of calories? Does she give two chocolate chips about it? No, she eats it because it’s delicious and she wants to. She’s no more interested in reading the label than she is in reading her own bill. But you? You need her help, fatso. You’re so stupid, you can’t even feed yourself without clearly marked signs.

This is just one of the many reasons the Wall Street Journal is calling Pelosicare “the worst bill ever.”

What’s next, Michael Moore lecturing you about who should make your health care decisions? Yeah, like that’d ever happen.