Faced with a long plane ride and the prospect of being the only person in Hollywood who isn’t camping out for tickets to New Moon, I finally Netflixed Twilight over the weekend. And now I have even more reason to sink my teeth into Christian Serratos and why it is downright crazy that she’s riding Twilight fame straight to PETA’s anti-fur campaign.
The Twilight book series was written by a Mormon with the overarching theme that chastity is essential to saving the soul. Whereas the “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign’s overarching theme is that tits and ass will convince people to change their ways.
Although I have to admit that the Guardian put it better than I will:
That Christian should have done this with studio approval seems spectacularly unthinkable – and frankly, all the more hilarious for that. It’s not just that the ad was released at the height of the movie’s promotional campaign, nor that the font and woodland setting are as close to New Moon’s official artwork as Peta could possibly get away with. It’s the executive-enraging reality that no matter how many millions you spend, and no matter how scrupulously pre-lapsarian you try to be, some rogue vegan can still go and blow a hole in your giant abstinence metaphor.
Secondly, the “vegetarian” vampires in the book are considered thus because they would rather kill defenseless forest creatures than humans. Which is pretty much the opposite of the PETA mantra.
Tell me again why PETA would use this franchise to completely inappropriately promote their ideology? Oh, that’s right: New Moon is the top advance ticket-seller in history. How silly of me to even ask.
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The Twilight empire should drop this twit from their franchise before she even gets famous.
‘I’d rather be Photoshopped within an inch of my life than let anyone see what I really look like naked.’
Seriously…the photoshopping of her ass is so distracting that I can’t help but sit here and analyze the many changes they might have made to it.
There is no way in hell that girl has an ass like that.
“Animals killed for their fur are electrocuted, drowned, beaten and often skinned alive. Animals killed by fictional vampires for their blood are just bitten. And drained of their blood. And left to moulder away in the forest.”
Oh come on! You guys just don’t get it. She has to get naked to prove she’s different from every other starlet in Hollywood!
I’m secretly plotting a Hollywood career where I never take a stitch of clothing off. Ever. It’ll take the town by storm! I’ll make a fortune! Bwahahah
Oh and Christian? Thanks for reminding me to get out my fur stole. I almost forgot. Now that it’s winter I can wear it again! Yay
Glad to hear I’m not the only one who thought her lower half looked suspicious. Upper half too. And the face. Hint to artists: if you are going to Photoshop, try to make it good enough that the average person can’t tell. At least 50 percent of the population is not going to be too distracted to notice.
That girl is as vegan as I am. And I had a lovely ham dinner tonight.
AllyKat, her ass bothers me more than any other part of the photoshopping. It is so ridiculously out of proportion….top half I can kind of deal with.
uhh yeah. i had no idea who this chick was until i saw that she did this PETA thing. maybe because i avoid all this ‘twlight’ BS like the plague.
Who? Am I the only one who has yet to see these Twilight films? And I have come to the conclusion that there is yet one single PETA spokesperson who actually walks the walk AND talks the talk.
No AAW you are not the only one who has yet to see the films. There’s something about a 108 year old guy macking on 16 year olds that I find unsettling and offputting.
Since y’all are focusing on the ’shop job, I pulled out my calipers for a quick check. Mr. Digital didn’t just smooth her tush and up the cyan for that happily undead feeling.
An average adult stands about 8 heads high. It varies but I base all my sketches off that proportion, then stretch or shorten to fit the actual subject. In fashion they draw a 10 head figure for a willowy look; but it’s important to note that even the most Rowandan of all models don’t ever actually measure 10 heads.
Looking at Christian, we’ll establish a head size by measuring from the point of her chin to just a smidge above her visible hair line. You must discount the added volume of her hair and hair extensions, we’re looking for the top of her skull. You can find this head length yourself right now by pinching a pencil against the image on your monitor.
Remember, photoshoppers almost always enlarge the head but we’re going to pretend that she really does cart around a Stewie cranium to prove the distortion.
An average neck measures about 1/4 of the head length. Christian’s has been stretched to 1/3 of her already enlarged head. Not surprising- a long neck and a long femur help a figure read slender.
From her clavicle to bellybutton should measure two heads, from bellybutton to the bottom of her pubic triangle should be about another head. Even with forshortening and the arc of her spine, I’m getting 2 heads from clavicle to pubis, max. Where does this girl store her intestines???
Buttock depth is highly individualized according to ethnicity and weight. I’m not going to quibble with her assets but I will say that she’s got more undimpled junk than you would suspect from such a svelte teenage waist. Then again, we already noted her missing digestive tract, so perhaps the large hiney is to attract a mate and spawn eggs before she and the other Mayflies die of starvation under the florescent lights at the local Shell station.
Her legs are okay based on the picture’s enlarged headsize (two from top of pelvic triangle to bottom of kneecap, another two down to heel). The problem arises when you consider that her midpoint (the line that divides you, me, and Bobby McGee precisely in half) should be the top of the pubic triangle (four heads above the midpoint, four below). Christian’s shortened torso leaves her standing incredibly bottom heavy. She’s got more leg than a protestant Rockette after the inquisition.
All in all, Christian isn’t as chesty as our friend Barbie(TM) but I’m definately getting a Watch Me Grow Skipper kinda vibe.
Perhaps when Twilight fades, she and that stretchy Ralph Lauren gal can start singing about toasted Quizno Subs?
I’m sorry, Minnow, that you had to go through all of that hyperanalysis of the ugly girl’s naked body
Even if it is photshopped.
The only thing I can reccomend to make Twilight palatable is going to http://www.rifftrax.com. Those guys make anything funny! It’s like drowning that bad meatloaf in ketchup. Hilarious, hilarious ketchup.
Yeah, Rifftrax were the only thing that kept me from committing suicide while watching Twilight…which I felt the need to watch because if I’m going to write about bad influences on tweens and other sexual things that are just so very, very wrong, I’d better at least see it.
But I still had whiskey close by.
The scary thing is, Pearce, my 5th grade daughter was looking for a book to read for a fantasy book report and she asks me over dinner last night “Hey, can I do Twilight?”
I about fell off my chair.
“But why? There’s a ton of girls reading it in class!”
ARGH!!!!
EWW, I had a “Watch-Me-Grow” Skipper doll. You twisted her arm around and she whipped through puberty in .5 second. Then my sister broke her, and she was stuck in that awkward stage.
Minnow, any chance you can explain to her why Twilight is bad for tweens?
AAW i have never seen the movies and have never read the books. because i don’t care, lol i don’t think we’re the only ones though
Fabulous explanation, Minnow. You should critique the W cover with Demi Moore for your next trick.
Anyone else seen the BK/New Moon commercial? Not very peta friendly.
Ahhhh! Could you guys do me a favor and put bare butts behind a cut? I’m looking at this in public…
I had a Watch Me Grow Skipper too, Beige. Mine was the Dahmer version where you grabbed her by the head and legs, then pulled her long or squinched her short. Yep, it was pretty oogie-boogie to feel each vertebrae disarticulate, pop-pop-pop-pop.
Pearce: I’m a big fan of the Socratic method with my kids. Are there movies you’re not allowed to see? Why? Were you allowed to watch Twilight? Why aren’t you ready for mature themes? If you weren’t ready for the movie, why are you ready for the book?
Actually, it doesn’t have much to do with Socrates, I just like watchin’em squirm.
I forgot AllyKat!
OMG with a cherry on top, I hadn’t yet found the Demi Moore cover hullabaloo!
How’zabout we play a game?
After a quick glance at Demi’s pic, I see 10 obvious alterations, NOT including the missing hip flesh. Let’s see if members here can find them (and maybe a couple I didn’t catch).
Here’s the cover: http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/a-line/demi-moores-w-cover-worst-photoshop-ever/306?nc
Here’s two candid references:
Face- http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1477024256/nm0000193
Body- http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2189859072/nm0000193
Hint: I picked the surf shot with Cameron for a reason. Oh and it’s 2 facial, 8 body errors.
I showed my daughter both the Ralph Lauren and the Christian/PeTA shot so that we could talk about dysmorphic body photography. I’ll show her the Demi one tonight. All three are concrete lessons why even the prettiest people can’t meet today’s media standards.
My daughter’s response to the Christian shot was “She kinda looks like a centaur, mom.” Indeed.
Okay, 10 alterations on the Demi photo. Ready, set, go!
Her head looks too small, the neck and chest area (up around the collarbone) look funny, but I can’t tell exactly what was done to make it look like she is straining to lift weights. I don’t know if her shoulders are actually that broad in comparison to the rest of her, but with the puny head and skinny torso, they look really wide. It looks like her jawline was altered, but that might just be because of all the cheekbone contouring and the different facial expression. Her thighs don’t match, and if they continue on the slant or even at the line they are following when cut off, she has some freaky knees (unless they are bulging as much as her elbows). Her upper arms look like they took out too much and tried to define with shadowing, but they just look funny to me. If they curved in like that before the elbows, her forearms would also be super skinny close to the elbow, but instead, they look somewhat normal (for a thin, not emaciated person). Her waist looks slimmed, and the aforementioned hips not only are missing the chunk on one side, they don’t match in curvature. One is clearly larger and more curved, while the missing chunk one is waaay too straight. No one is perfectly symmetrical, but most people are not that extreme.
I don’t know how much of this is accurate, and how much a single alteration might alter the look of other body parts, but those are the things that looked funny in a way that I could articulate easily. Something about her torso between the neck and waist seems off to me, but I can’t figure out what it is, other than the above.
Watch-Me-Grow Skipper sounds as disturbing as Pregnant Midge, whose baby could be taken out of her belly. The concept might have sounded good, but how these dolls got past the test groups is beyond me.
So to summarize Allykat:
1. Head too small
2. Neck/upper chest oddity
3. Torso narrowed
4. Shoulder width too wide
5. Jawline alteration
6. Cheekbone contouring
7. Thigh diameters mismatched
8. Forearms thinned
9. Waist narrowed
10. Hip curvature oddity
I’m not saying aye or nay to anything yet, just summarizing.
Anyone else want to play?
BTW, I’d love someone who regularly retouches photography to chirp in. I’m looking at Christian & Demi anatomically, what deviates from normal range. I’m sure there are digital tells which can confirm/dispute what I see.
Come on, don’t be chicken, peoples. What else looks odd?
Her upper arms are different widths.
You know, Minnow, I think your daughter hit the nail on the head. When I was looking at that picture, I couldn’t think of what Christian reminded me of. It’s definitely a centaur.
@Minnow, I don’t have 3D vision, so it’s hard for me to pick out stuff that’s visually wrong. To me, EVERYBODY looks like a cutout. And also, I’m on hardcore flu meds. Which is like being rilly rilly DRONK.
Dumt-de-da-dum! Here’s my list of Demi aberrations:
1. Mandible Softening: Demi’s jawline has been altered twice. First, they rounded off her square jaw. Check the IMDb head shot, she has a very square face like Maria Shriver and Andie McDowell. W cropped the mandible’s back corner which rounded the entire jawbone, turning a beautiful square face to an average oval. Second, they shaved skin and depth off the underside of her jawline. Note that her face is slightly downward tilting. All normal humans carry a bit of excess skin there which allows room to rotate or turn your face upwards. This is that turkey wattle which aging women complain about. Even in children with young tight skin, tilting the face downward causes this skin to fold. EVERYONE has wattleage, everyone but Demi.
2. Missing Risorius Dimples: Look at the IMDb head shot of Demi’s mouth. She has a little muscular fold of skin on each side of her mouth. When you smile, the Risorius muscle pulls back each corner of your mouth causing a fold in the skin immediately above the muscle. Try it in a mirror sometime, we all have them. Demi is someone who shows these folds all the time, even when not smiling. As an illustrator, you try not to draw too many wrinkles on a face, but I always include Risorius folds because they’re distinctive and attractive. W wiped them right off.
That was the face, both modifications make her rather unrecognizable. Now the body…
3. Giraffe Neck: Like PeTA’s shot of Christian, Demi’s neck is elongated. You can see where they cut and pasted a new head on the elongated neck.
4. Alien Clavicles: I don’t know what the hell they did with her clavicles but it looks painful. You could hang your entire off-season wardrobe off dem bones.
5. Torso Shortened and Narrowed: Check out the IMDb shot of Demi & Cameron. Remember that 3 head lengths from above the clavicle to the bottom of the pubic triangle rule? Cameron deviates from the rule with a naturally short torso. Demi has the opposite body type, her torso is longer than average. W created a demi-Demi, about 2 and a smidge heads. I’d draw her at 3 and a smidge.
6. Bigger Scale Breasts: I think the photoshoppers cut Demi along the underwire bra line below each breast and pasted that Head/Breast photo onto a new smaller torso. Her breasts kinda look like they’re lunging out into space, much like the shark from Jaws 3-D.
7. Triceps: She ain’t got none.
8. One Really Loooooong Arm: When they cropped her at the breasts, I think they used her right arm from the large shot and her left arm from the shrinky-dink version. Her poor hands are two different fricken sizes, for Ashton’s sake!!! (You were close, Pearce)
9. Scarlette O’Hara Waist: From the Cameron & Demi shot, I’d classify Demi as having a boy body, she’s a rectangle. So for W, either Mammy laced her into Scarlette’s corset or she donated some ribs to charity.
10. Thighectomy: Not surgical, I think they just used a bottle of white out. Next time guys, could’ya try to make ‘em match? Her left knee is slightly turned out so you would see slightly more thickness on that thigh, but you could drive an 18-wheeler through her crotchular area.
AllyKat: you questioned her small head. I’m actually okay with it based on the shoulder span. Average shoulder span should be just short of 2 head lengths and she matches up. Maybe the epaulettes are throwing you off. Think how football and hockey players seem to have small heads. It’s really an illusion from the shoulder pad size. We all wore small heads in the 80’s.
As for the missing hip flesh: Remember my theory about the cut & paste breasts and mis-matched arms? I think everything above the nifty hip sash is from the mini photo. Everything below the sash is back to normal size.