You just have to love PETA. Some days if it weren’t for them, I would have no entertainment at all.
The save-the-animals crowd gets their collective panties in a wad every time I eat a steak, make some artisanal goat-milk cheese, go fly fishing, take down a black bear, ride a circus elephant, trap a lynx, test my new cancer cure on some ferrets, shear some sheep, or stitch some mink pelts together for grandma.
You just can’t please these pricks.
So I think this is a genuine gotcha. I was browsing PETA’s vegetarian cooking website, looking for ways to punish my 5-year-old, when I happened on this:
Country Bread
Making homemade bread doesn’t have to be as difficult as it sounds, and it can be much healthier than store-bought bread, without all the added preservatives. One of my favorite varieties to make is a rustic sourdough. I like to call it “country bread.”
This recipe calls for an active sourdough culture, and the remaining ingredients couldn’t be simpler—just flour, water, and sea salt. To make this a true country loaf, place the round of dough in the oven without slashing the top. As it bakes, the bread will break apart and create a rustic look.
Enjoy!
3 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup water
1 cup active sourdough culture
2 tsp. sea salt
- Combine all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl to form a firm ball. Knead for 5 minutes. Cover and let rise for at least 5 hours at room temperature.
- Remove the dough from the bowl, punch down, knead for 5 minutes, and form a round loaf without slashing the top. Return to the bowl, cover, and let rise for at least 3 more hours.
- Transfer it gently from the bowl to a baking stone and bake in a preheated oven at 450°F for 15 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 350°F and bake for an additional 45 minutes, turning the loaf once halfway through baking.
- Remove from the oven and cool on a wire rack for at least 1 hour before serving.
Makes 1 loaf
Do you see what I see? An active sourdough culture! Why, that’s just another name for a sticky, gelatinous prison for millions of cuddly yeasts! (The yeast is a misunderstood creature whose preferred name is actually “dough kitten.”)
This barbaric chef calls herself “ethical”? First she keeps the dough kittens in a cold container so they can’t reproduce. Then she squishes them for 5 minutes so they can drink a litle sugar water and dust-bathe with salt. And as soon as the poor kitties think the worst is over and fart a few air bubbles, they get punched. And smooshed again.
I don’t even want to think about the Nazi oven. Have these people NO SHAME?
And don’t feed me some B.S. line about how dough kittens aren’t sentient creatures who think for themselves. Neither is Bethenny Frankel, and she has a TV show, for Chrissakes.
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I sense a T-shirt — or perhaps, an internet meme — in all of this: “Save the Dough Kittens!”
But at the very least I’ll go with a typical AR response: “I completely support this initiative.”
Yeah, but the yeast are fungi, not animals, so it probably doesn’t count. Unless PETA crusades against fungi abuse and I didn’t realize it?
Phooey. You just ruined it for me.
For all of that trouble in the recipe, I can just go to the darn store and get a loaf and eat it before the dough kittens are even dead yet.
But PETArds eat vegetables, which are living organisms, and they don’t seem to have any trouble with that. Why should they care about single-celled organisms? (As Reel Big Fish joked, “I’m crying ’cause my broccoli’s dead.”) A university study showed that a plant “reacted when a shrimp was killed in its presence,” so why isn’t anyone protesting “Plants Have Feelings Too”? I suppose with enough research, we could figure out how to synthesize nutrients and eat those. Vitamins aren’t sentient. But people who wish to completely erase their impact on the environment, including their carbon footprint, are missing the point: once you’re born, it’s impossible. Even if you die immediately, you’ll still be using resources. We don’t need to be hogs, but we should be reasonable. If we plan on surviving, something will have to die in order to feed us. It happens in nature all the time. Get used to it.
Let’s not forget PeTA jumped down Obama’s throat for killing a fly in a TV interview. If we’re going to be entirely honest a fly and a fungi have more in common than I have with Heid Montag and she’s considered sentient life.
Where exactly is the PeTA ethical line that indicates when life has value?
I have an interesting idea; are Virus unicellular animals? What about the common, mass-produced vaccine? It’s made out of SLAUGHTERED VIRUSES!!! How awful!
There’s a Monistat/Pam Anderson joke in here somewhere, but I…just really don’t wanna look that hard.
Honestly, I wrote this entire post just to coin the moniker “dough kittens.”
Thanks Oversneer! This site was getting a little too intense with all the SJS protests. . .reminded me why I love this place so much!! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time
Maybe PETA can start a “dough kitten” shelter…but they’d probably just use them all to make some “vegan” bread. Or dump them behind the local Piggly-Wiggly.
I second the motion for Save the Dough Kitten tees.
Toubrouk: Viruses aren’t cellular life, but it did get me thinking, most vaccines are cultured in eggs which should mean that Peta people don’t take them, here’s hoping H1N1 can help us with the scurge.
David, you are my new hero! Let’s incite the people of PeTA to not vaccinate themselves. Sooner or later, Darwin will take it’s course and weed them from the gene pool. BRILLANT!
I would like to donate money to save the dough kittens. This atrocity must be stopped! And what is all this I’m reading about putting bacteria in yogurt to strengthen the immune system or calm the digestive system?! CULTURES ARE PEOPLE, TOO.
dough kittens.. heh.
but i do think that your diet of fish and goat cheese sounds disgusting.
Now this is just funny! Nice post.
yawn
I lol’d at the pictue. Well done.
“dough kittens”?! I love it! PETA is a joke! dough kittens……oh, man, that is perfect. maybe make bumper stickers that say “Save the dough kittens”? Be a funny little cartoon too!