America’s cutest, fuzziest group of terrorist sympathizers, PETA, is demanding that the most adorable weather forecaster in history be replaced with a robot.
That’s right. I said robot.
No, I’m not talking about Al Roker … hubba hubba amiright? Or should I say Hubba Bubba? (Hey, do they still make that gum?) Anyway…
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is requesting a robotic stand-in for the furry favorite of the beloved Groundhog Day festival known ’round the world. PETA says it’s unfair to keep Phil in captivity and then subject him to huge crowds and bright lights every Feb. 2.
William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club — once they finished the secret handshake and matched their power rings — said: “The groundhog is being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.”
Really? He probably should have phrased that better somehow.
But have no fear, Punka- … PunkyBrew- … Aw, Punxsawhatever Phil is kept in a climate-controlled environment and gets an annual inspection from the state Department of Agriculture. You know, kinda like your mom.
I bet some of those animals that were dumped behind the Piggly Wiggly wished they were robots.
Listen: I love animals as much as the next guy. Especially with ketchup. But the last thing I need to deal with when Skynet becomes aware is killer gophers. It’s gonna be enough hassle dealing with the Terminators as it is. Me and my muscular frame and dashing good looks can only battle one killer species at a time.
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Did it ever happen to everybody here? You go to sleep one night figuring that PeTA couldn’t go lower than porn stars and “Gangstas” to only notice than, overnight, those lunatics found shovels and dug their pretty deep hole a tad deeper?
Damn, I need a support group…
My mom emailed me this article earlier and I could not believe it. What next PETA? SEriously? Phil? I think some people were not hugged enough as children.
You’d think that serious frowny-faced Saviors of Animalkind would have other things to deal with. Weren’t there, I don’t know, maybe some animals injured/killed/inconvenienced in Haiti or something? They’ve gotta worry about a FARGIN’ GROUNDHOG?
I would have believed them had they said the ground hog was being treated better than the average child in California. But they had to go for the gold and claim Pennsylvania. I’m with PETA on this one.
I considered sending this in for a tip. Does this mean Pasta and I share a brain?
Phil wouldn’t know what to do with himself in the wild. Then again, PETA doesn’t know what to do with themselves in society, as evidenced by their increasingly weird demands.
I’m actually surprised PeTA hasn’t done this before. But I really just wanted to comment to say Pasta, I like your writing style.
They do still make Hubba Bubba in increasingly strange flavors and colors. Here’s hoping they’re testing it on animals, looking for a better solution to the old gum-in-hair problem. I’d kill a panda for that.
Pasta, I’m disappointed that you don’t comment on the posts you author to stridently disagree with the posts you author.
Thanks Rocko.
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
PETA is hilarious!!
I bet they sit around and play the Kevin Bacon Game to see how they can link the use of hand sanatizer with animal cruelty.
Lol, your move to consistent blogger on this site is awesome. I read your posts with a smile on my face.