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Author Archive for hollywont

03
Jul

MiLo Continues to Not Know Anything About Fatherhood

I sincerely hope that this is the last Michael Lohan post I’ll write in a while — he is so sleazy and horrible that I feel in need of a shower after reading up on him.

But now this scuzzball is shopping around a tell-all interview to any gossip rag that will offer to help him pay child support to that 13-year-old daughter who just surfaced.

Lohan has approached both OK! and People magazines with the offer of his exclusive story, should paternity tests prove he’s her biological father. “He’s approaching everyone to get the highest bid because, if he is the dad, he’s going to need the money for back child support,” said an insider. The tweenster’s mother, Kristi Kaufmann, claims she and Lohan had an affair in 1995 when he was separated from then-wife Dina Lohan. The asking price for Michael’s story is in the $20,000 range, but it sounds like both weeklies are passing on the offer. “Nobody wants to buy DNA results,” our source scoffed. A rep for People denied Lohan had approached the mag, and a rep for OK! said, “We’re not interested.”

You know you’re a horrible person when freaking OK! magazine has more integrity than you do.

03
Jul

Tatum O’Neal Pleads Guilty to Drug Charges

Actress Tatum O’Neal, who was arrested last month for attempting to buy crack, pled guilty to disorderly conduct yesterday in New York.

The 44-year-old actress paid a $95 fee and walked out of Manhattan Criminal Court with a smile and a renewed pledge to stay away from the drugs that have plagued her career.

“I’m going back to my meetings and back to my life,” O’Neal said.

She didn’t comment on her vascillating stories about how she turned back to drugs because her dog died or alternatively because she was researching an upcoming role as an addict.

But here’s hoping her newest pledge to stay clean sticks.

02
Jul

Tara Reid Makes a Spectacular Fool of Herself

Actress and professional alcoholic Tara Reid hosted the Bikini Beach 2008 party in Chicago last weekend. Suffice to say she’s lucky no one called the cops.

According to an eyewitness, at one point Reid was busting her moves in the man-made sandbox while holding a martini before going on stage and giving a very slurred shout-out on the mic.

The “American Pie” actress apparently then made her way upstairs into the VIP room while bumping into people and even knocking other guests’ drinks out of their hands.

We’re also told the perennial party princess arrived over an hour late for her appearance.

Sidenote — how sad is it that she hasn’t done anything of any note since American Pie came out in 1999?

Anyway, not that anyone bought it at the time, but remember her valiant efforts from January to convince us all that she isn’t a total lush? If not, a recap:

“I don’t like going out every single night,” she tells OK!. “I like to hang with friends and eat and sit next to a fire — that to me is the best night.”…

“If I have a drink in my hand, it doesn’t make me an alcoholic. If I want a glass of wine, I want a glass of wine. I shouldn’t be afraid of it because of what the media might say. Anything you do, you’re screwed. That’s the lesson I’ve learned.”

But you know what does make her an alcoholic? A drink in both hands. And one grasped by each foot. And maybe all the vodka in the CamelBak under her dress.

02
Jul

Michael Lohan Makes It Too Easy

lilo_sam_ronson.jpgIn a brilliant little voicemail that Gawker managed to get their hands on, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael swore up and down he will never speak her name to the media again.

“I’ve been trying to reach you for a week now. I know that you were annoyed that I gave an interview and my need to comment about the people you are around, and obviously you took offense to it. Honey, I’m sorry. I am telling you, I just love you. And I promise you, I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again… I promise you, I’ll keep questions out of the press, when it comes to you I promise. Just please, please, honey, call me or pick up the phone. You need to promise me.”

He does grovel well, I’ll give the man that.

Funny thing is? Just a few weeks after he left the voicemail, he kind of outed his daughter as a lesbian:

Michael Lohan isn’t playing dumb when it comes to his daughter Lindsay’s close relationship with deejay Samantha Ronson.

Days after photos of them nuzzling necks in Cannes, France, surfaced, he tells Usmagazine.com in an e-mail their relationship “is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Is it just me or have the Lohans been in the media more than ever since they announced they’re not going to talk to the media anymore?

01
Jul

Our Heidi, Who Art in Hollywood, Hollow Be Thy Head

heidi_montag_christ.jpgHeidi Montag is inexplicably in the news again (and guys, I know I’m not helping, but she provides such fertile material). Now it’s because she describes her feud with L.C. on The Hills in the most overblown way possible:

All hell broke loose this past season when [evil boyfriend Spencer] Pratt and Montag revealed that Conrad had supposedly shot a sex tape with ex-beau Jason Wahler.

“I don’t even want to talk about that,” Montag says. “There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

The parable about Jesus’s disproportionate breast implants must be in one of the gnostic gospels because it’s the first I’ve heard of it. And she continues:

Montag identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist” and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. Montag even planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa.

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” says Montag, who grew up in Colorado with Holly, brother Sky, 15, and her since-divorced parents, Bill, a rancher, and Darlene, who runs a restaurant with Montag’s stepfather.

This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to “feed children and help build things.”

I love the unintentional hilarity of this whole interview. I would repost the whole thing if I didn’t fear y’all coming after me with pitchforks.

30
Jun

Eddie Murphy Has Artistic Integrity

norbit.jpgShrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3Dreamgirls quickly followed by Norbit… And IMDb now reports a Shrek 4 as the cherry on top.

They’re all so banal. So bourgeois. There’s no integrity in blockbusters. Eddie Murphy, how do you feel about it?

“Thirty years and I have close to 50 movies and it is like, `Why am I in the movies? I’ve done that part now.’

“I’ll go back to the stage and do stand-up.”

Good plan. A return to his roots.

Just as soon as he finishes Beverly Hills Cop 4: Electric Boogaloo:

“The third one was horrible, so I didn’t want to do another one.”

“It wasn’t ready to be done and they [the producers] wrote some sh-t down on paper and I said, ‘Is this your phone number?’ and they said, ‘This is how much we’re going to pay you.’

“I said, ‘Let’s go shoot it! I don’t care if the script ain’t right.’”

Every Donkey has a price.

30
Jun

Will Smith Is Suddenly a Whole Lot Less Scientologist

will_smith_hancock.jpgThe reviews are coming in for superhero popcorn flick Hancock, and it’s not looking pretty.

Which would make it the first Will Smith vehicle opening for the Fourth of July weekend to not make everyone involved a zillion dollars.

Hmm. So what’s changed?

Could it be that Will has been tainted by his alleged association with Scientology? War of the Worlds wasn’t exactly a smash hit, and it came out right after Tom Cruise’s infamous couch jumping. And we all remember Battlefield: Earth (or more precisely, we remember hearing how bad it was from the dozen people who saw it).

So despite plenty of evidence to the contrary, Will has maintained that he is not a Scientologist. The latest denial (conveniently timed, no?) comes from that school he donated to in May, which now swears that they are secular.

I have to say, it’s a start. Let’s all hope Hancock bombs and Will’s soul — and not his thetans — will be saved.

30
Jun

Steven Tyler Comes Clean

steven_tyler_ok.jpgI enjoy a good “told ya so” a great deal more than most people would admit.

So it’s with malicious glee that I present to you Steven Tyler, finally telling the truth about why he went to rehab:

“To have your feet done, to have your leg done, you have to be on narcotics,” Tyler told The Associated Press on Friday. “You have to be on sleep aids at night. I don’t know about Joe (Perry) but I was off and running and I didn’t like the me that was me… This was a month ago, so I just put the brakes on and checked into detox and just pulled the plug on all of it.”

I knew that whole “wah, my feet hurt” excuse was a total fabrication.

Nyah, nyah, nyah.

28
Jun

Mini-Me Sues TMZ Over Sex DVD

ranae_shrider_verne_troyer.jpgVerne Troyer, the little guy who’s best known for his work with Mike Myers in the Austin Powers franchise and now the steaming pile known as The Love Guru, has sued gossipmonger TMZ.com for posting a sex tape starring the actor.

In the lawsuit (view PDF here), Troyer says he sent multiple cease-and-desist orders to the website both before and after they shared the video, which features the dwarf performer with his ex-girlfriend Ranae Shrider. The tape was allegedly stolen sometime in the past year.

The suit also names One Night in Paris porn peddler Kevin Blatt as a defendant for trying to broker a deal for the video’s sale through an online porn distributor. Blatt reportedly has received offers as high as $100,000 for the footage.

Troyer is seeking ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS in damages.*

And sorry, sickos: TMZ pulled the post after the lawsuit hit. You’ll just have to wait for someone else to leak it to satisfy your pervy intentions.

*Sorry, couldn’t resist. Multiply that by twenty.

27
Jun

Michael Lohan Has an Illegitimate Love Child. Gross.

The ever-spiritual Michael Lohan, father but not really dad to Lindsay, has a 13-year-old illegitimate daughter, OK! reports.

Linds’ father, Michael Lohan, has admitted to OK! that, while married — but at the time separated — to now-ex-wife Dina Lohan, he had a relationship with another woman which resulted in a pregnancy.

Evidently they’ve been in contact for years. He even sent the little girl letters from prison, signed “Love, Daddy” — which is likely more than Lindsay, Ali, or Cody can say.

You may recall that Michael is a born-again Christian who frequently offers parenting advice to his ex-family. Granted, they need help, just not from him.

Turns out he doesn’t so much pay child support or return phone calls from his illegitimate baby mama either. Or as she anonymously told OK!:

“It’s time for Michael to take responsibility.”

Get in line, sister.




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