So you know Kirstie Alley’s latest “I’ma gonna show you how to lose weight for realz this time” plan? Yup, it turned out to be Scientologist voodoo all along:

How does Rescue Me work?

Rescue Me is the first ever USDA certified organic weight loss product. This special formula helps curb appetite, reduce cravings, boost energy, support the metabolism of fat, and gently cleanse the body, taking the “toxic” out and putting the healthy in. Instead of losing valuable vitamins and minerals when you reduce calories, Rescue Me provides your body with high-quality organic ingredients, including nutrients, essential vitamins and minerals, natural herbs, fiber and antioxidants. When you couple the Rescue Me system with a reduced calorie diet, rich with organic ingredients and adequate exercise, you will experience the benefits in weight loss and an overall feeling of great health. Feel rejuvenated with this healthy and effective addition to your daily diet.

The $139 pills reportedly contain large doses of calcium and magnesium, both main components of the L. Ron Hubbard-approved detox program to “remove toxins” from good little Scientologists.

Alley is keeping her lawyers busy by hitting out at anyone who dares to criticize this brainless diet plan. The media “is spreading lies about me and my new business,” she says. But come on — these insanely expensive vitamins don’t even work for her, and she’s the spokeswoman. You want to talk about spreading lies?

Again, I have to ask: Why would anyone take weight-loss advice from Kirstie Alley?

Typically it’s the one time they dare to put a curvaceous and/or black woman on the cover (Beyoncé made it last year, for example). This year, though, it’s Gisele Bündchen, who was photographed for the image at right a mere six weeks after giving birth. The accompanying interview is, as you’d expect, all about how she kept her figure while incubating Brady spawn:

“I did kung fu up until two weeks before Benjamin was born, and yoga three days a week. I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

Yet without a trace of irony, flip a few pages back in this same issue and you’ll find this eating-disorders-are-bad article by Dutch model Kim Noorda and her ongoing struggle with anorexia:

The intake meeting with the nutritionist [at Renfrew, a New York City eating-disorder clinic] took place today. She weighed me, calculated my BMI, and made a weight-gaining plan for the four weeks: one pound per week. This is standard procedure for the center for everyone who weighs less than 90 percent of ideal body weight. I did not like that at all. I told her I would try to agree to that because my agents have also told me that they would like me to gain an extra five pounds. She told me that five pounds is not that much, and probably no one would even see it. I told her that people in the fashion industry see every gram of fat.

It’s no surprise that every young model feels this way when the industry’s highest-paid catwalker tells the world that even pregnancy is no excuse to eat what you want. Shame on Vogue for the mixed message.

These new Miley Cyrus quotes barely need the requisite hypocritical context from me:

“I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing,” Cyrus told Movieline. “I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well that’s because you write everything that you’re doing.” …

“I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Love that she is telling all this to Movieline.com. Not a print publication, you idiot.

Also, lame home videos on YouTube count as the internet. Just thought her hamster brain might require the clarification.

Winslet in January 2009:

“You have to work at a marriage. The best things always involve some effort.

“We aim to have two date nights a week, but always end up doing one.

“I don’t dress up or anything, we just have a nice meal somewhere, share a bottle of wine and talk.

“Sometimes it’s just about getting out of the house. We do loads of lovely meals with the kids, but every now and again you need to get out of the house together, go and be a couple, have a laugh.”

Mendes in January 2009:

“I think that with any interesting art there is always some kind of identification to be had. We are very happy, but obviously there is a cathartic aspect of making a movie about a bad marriage. Put it this way: the last thing you want to do when making a fight film is to go home and have a fight. So here is the opportunity for getting it out without having to live it. I would say that aspect of the production was actually very healthy.”

Winslet and Mendes in March 2010 after seven years of marriage:

“Kate and Sam are saddened to announce that they separated earlier this year,” their lawyers say in a statement. “The split is entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement. Both parties are fully committed to the future joint parenting of their children.”

Oops. Well at least now they’re both qualified to appear on The Marriage Ref.

She commanded the guest couch for both Good Morning America and Regis & Kelly this morning and blah blah blah’d about how hard it is to be the focus of so much media scrutiny:

When asked about the tabloid chatter, Aniston asked “what chatter? I hear about it, I don’t read it. You have to get better over time. You have to… build up a tough skin…. We work really hard on our jobs… you don’t want to be known as sort of a ‘tabloid face.’ That sort of distracts from what you do and what you work really hard at. Which is our movies… It’s almost like another job that you have not chosen to be a part of. It’s a soap opera that you do not sign up for.”

She may want to have a heart-to-heart with her publicist Stephen Huvane, then, because he’s been busting his ass for years to get her on the cover of as many magazines as humanly possible.

And to give credit where credit is due, Perez Hilton gets +1 for calling out Huvane as early as four years ago for all of the behind-the-curtain media orchestrating on behalf his megawatt client. When Aniston and Vince Vaughn walked away from the charade of their relationship in 2006, Huvane sent Perez an email saying he was “being mean” to Aniston in reporting on the break-up.

Perez, naturally, responded publicly:

Huvane orchestrated to have his client on the cover of People in late October, and the headline screamed “Defending Their Love.”

What more, not only did Maniston lie to us and People magazine, but she also lied to Oprah, and that’s much worse!

In mid-October, Jennifer made an appearance on Oprah and she lied to the talk show host and her millions of viewers, saying that she and Vince Vaughn were still together. …

Finally, when it became painfully clear to Mister Huvane and Miz Anitson that they could no longer continue deceiving her “fans,” they turned to their lapdog People magazine this week once again, issuing the following statement on Tuesday night: “AfterJennifer’s trip to London several weeks ago, Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today.”

Just a thought: If Jennifer Aniston really wants to pretend that she did not “sign up for” playing the tabloid role of the aggrieved woman who just can’t find love, taking People magazine off her publicist’s speed dial would be a good first step.

“This is Mel’s dream church and the center of his world,” an insider told the Enquirer. “He’s a devout traditionalist Catholic and views the chapel as his own house of worship where he can pray privately with family and friends.”

Oksana – who gave birth to Mel’s eighth child, daughter Lucia, on Oct. 30 – is taking catechism classes at the church, according to the insider.

“It’s important to Mel that he and Oksana are of the same faith,” the source added. “She’s learning the doctrines and traditions of his conservative sect.”

Gibson financed the chapel’s construction, and Lucia will soon be baptized there, said the insider.

The chapel’s crowning glory is the huge mural behind the altar.

“Mel handpicked an artist to paint a modern interpretation of the ascension of Christ,” said the insider. “He’s also commissioned someone to cast a bell for the church tower. Mel says he is more proud of his church than any of his other achievements.”

Do you suppose “thou shalt not turn your back on 29 years of marriage” is one of the teachings? Probably not.

Awesome LOLpic courtesy of Starcasm.net.

If you’d think to question why Her Madgesty would qualify to give anyone advice on marriage, you’d be wiser than the casting directors at NBC.

Madonna’s love life has been a well-chronicled series of public failures. From her first divorce in 1989 from Sean Penn to her 2009 divorce from Guy Ritchie, the woman has spent nary a minute not wrecking marriages over the past 25 years — her own or others’.

She seems to have a thing for baseball players: José Canseco says Madonna offered him money to leave his wife for her in 1991, and Alex Rodriguez’s wife left him in 2008 claiming Madonna was a homewrecker.

But this is a show by Jerry Seinfeld we’re talking about, a man who poached his wife from another man not three months after they returned from their honeymoon. Any real marriage referee would call foul on that one.

In 2006, when D.C. banned smoking in bars and restaurants, Evans lent his voice and his vote in support of the measure. “D.C. is one step closer to becoming smoke free,” he published in his weekly newsletter at the time.

Yet on St. Patrick’s Day 2010, he’s trying to give his buddies a chance to smoke cigars at two charity events near and dear to Evans’s wallet heart:

Jack Evans (D-Ward 2) has asked his council colleagues to keep tradition alive for the all-male Society of the Friendly Sons of St. Patrick and another organization, Fight for Children, which hosts an annual smoke-filled professional boxing fundraiser.

Evans, who is a member of the Irish organization, said the measure was narrowly crafted, making an exception for only two nights a year and protecting workers by allowing venue employees to opt out of working the events.

But the rules are the rules, entirely because people like Evans voted to make them law. How do you like them apples?

H/T: Jacob Grier

While filming The Last Song on Georgia’s Tybee Island last year, Miley Cyrus couldn’t help but fall for her costar Liam Hemsworth. (On the Oscars red carpet Sunday, Cyrus, 17, confirmed that she and Hemsworth, 19, are dating and that “maybe” she’s in love.)

“He definitely showed chivalry,” she tells Teen Vogue. “I remember him opening the door for the director and I was like, Wow.”

“Working with Miley was a alot easier than I thought it was going to be,” Hemsworth admits to the magazine. “From the first time we [met], It was like I had known her before.”

His famous girlfriend adds, “I think we’re both deeper than normal people–what they think and how they feel.”

So, fellow normal people, what do we have to say about that? Shall we remind her about how she was so excited to be back in Nashville last year for the Hannah Montana movie, because she needed to get in touch with her roots?

The 16-year-old actress and singer reconnected with her Southern roots for the filming of “Hannah Montana: The Movie.” Traveling to Tennessee to shoot the movie, Cyrus said, helped keep her grounded.

“It actually gave me time to relax, and it was when my career was just starting to take off … when I was just starting to travel,” Cyrus said. “It was at a time when I needed to go back home and it couldn’t have been more of a perfect time.”

And finally, how many more movies are going to be made based on Nicholas Sparks novels? I know The Notebook was a huge sleeper hit, but we were just subjected to that other one a month ago and there’s only so much schlock I can take in a year.

Television advertising hypocrisy isn’t limited to CBS, it turns out. It’s an equal-opportunity affliction.

AdWeek.com is reporting that the Oscars organizers at ABC rejected the above ad from AshleyMadison.com, a dating website that targets infidelity-minded married men, because cheating on your spouse is bad. I love it when Hollywood gets all moral on us.

Let’s review some of the nominated films at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards, shall we? (Spoilers lie within.)

An Education: A 16-year-old girl is seduced by a 30-something charmer who, unbeknown to her, is already married.

Precious: The protagonist is repeatedly raped by her own father, which her mother holds against her.

Nine: A critically acclaimed but self-absorbed film director nearly destroys his career with his serial cheating on his patient but long-suffering wife. You are supposed to root for him.

A Serious Man: The main character’s wife reveals early in the film that she is sleeping with a family friend and kicks her husband out to live in a motel with his brother.

Up in the Air: Again it’s the woman who cheats on her husband, this time to have an affair with a clueless George Clooney in airport hotels around the country.

So, Hollywood: What was it you were saying about the sanctity of marriage?