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Author Archive for Pastafarian

03
Mar

Let’s Volunteer!

By Pastafarian 17 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Bad Boys & Girls and Musicians

That guy your mom thought was totally hot 25 years ago? He’s touring again! And while your parents are totally “rocking out” to some of the most cliched, crappy-ass “rock” music released in the 80’s (imagine mom cranking the devil horns in her awesome tan-colored capris), they’ll get to sit though some commercials urging them to volunteer for stuff! Yay!

Blah, blah, blah promote Barack Obama’s service initiative “United We Serve” in a video to run at 30 concert venues in the U.S…  Here’s Jon Bon Jovi. Seriously:

“We can tackle the tough challenges we face and build community through service and volunteering, The reality is, we’re all in this together.”

In an interview someone asked Jon what he was passionate about besides steel horses, rockin’ out,  and control-top spandex.

“For me it’s affordable housing,” Bon Jovi said. “For you it may be something else. [Ed: Me? It's my love of dance.] But all these little bits make for one greater sum of the parts. It’ll make for a better whole.”

That’s gonna be great. Because I love spending a lot of money on tickets for stuff, and then getting yelled at to do things I’m guessing Jon doesn’t actually do himself. Gotta protect those golden fingers you know.

Continue reading ‘Let’s Volunteer!’

02
Mar

Someone Club Pamela, Please

By Pastafarian 9 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: PETA, Television Stars and The Washed Up

Pamela Anderson sent a letter to the King of Canada, or whoever is in charge up there, asking to end his nation’s apparently never-ending seal hunt.

Actually, Pammy sent a letter to Prime Minister Stephen Harper by putting it in a mailbox in front of the offices of the Canadian Department of Fisheries and Oceans. Does she even know if he works there?

She also said she planned on dropping her car off at the post office because she said it needed a tune up.

The plasticine troll who has starred in at least two sex tapes, was at one time married to or involved with at least two members of two of the worst bands of the early and late 1980s, and starred in such Hollywood classics as “Barb Wire” and “Baywatch.” This is the silicone-for-brains who’s calling seal hunters “an embarrassment to Canada.”

Oh look! A leather purse! Anyway, her letter continues on about something having to do with sea ice and poutine, and how seal pups don’t have anywhere to give birth now that there are so many doughnut shops lining the Atlantic coast.

Says Anderson:

The absence of this birthing habitat will have dangerous consequences for the entire harp-seal population. Without ice, mother seals will be forced to abort their pups in the water.

I don’t know much about ice, and I have no idea what the connection is between this and killing seals for their skins. But I do know that sealskin coats are warm as hell. Nanook was no dummy.

And I also know that if you use square ice cubes in your glass, they won’t cling to the sides like the half circle ones will (thereby leaving more room for scotch). Maybe that’s what she meant.

I did become distracted searching Deceiver’s archives looking for stories involving Pamela’s hypocrisy involving seals, a steakhouse,  and fur coats.

The list is almost endless. I stopped counting after eight. This is getting too easy with this idiot. Writing Deceiver stories about Pamela Anderson is as easy as clubbing a baby seal. Just not quite as messy.

27
Feb

Harrison Ford Destroys the Death Star Earth

By Pastafarian 12 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Environmentalists and Movie Stars

Sometime back, I took a lot of heat and got called a lot of names for making fun of Harrison Ford’s little environmental chest waxing protest.

All right — I made most of that up. The name calling never really happened.  I bet you clicked on it though.  Loser.

Now Han Solo is in a little trouble with meddling hippie types because he’s doing things that go against his support of environmental friendliness stuff.

Here are some examples from his IMDB page.

Honored for his work with the environment, Ford was asked to name a new breed of butterfly. He named it after his daughter, Georgia.

That’s stupid.

Continue reading ‘Harrison Ford Destroys the Death Star Earth’

25
Feb

Sharon Hates Fox Tail But She Sure Likes Leather

By Pastafarian 5 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Activists, Fashionistas, Musicians, PETA and Television Stars

Ozzy Osbourne’s professional nursemaid, and (inexplicably) America’s Got Talent judge, Sharon Osbourne took to her Twitter thing today to urge her “fans” to boycott Louis Vuitton’s handbag accessories because they’re “heinous.”

“Louis Vuitton foxtail handbag accessories make me sick. Please do not purchase those! It’s heinous.”

She’s wrong though. These fox tail things would look totally cool hanging from your purse. Or they would, if you were a 15-year-old high school sophomore in 1982.

But this pleased the people at PETA to no end anyway…

“As designers flaunted fur during Fashion Week in New York, and the usual suspects are expected to be as vulgar in Milan and Paris, we’re pleased Sharon is using her voice to denounce the cruelty.”

It seems Sharon is against all the cruelty that goes into making a fox tail purse, but doesn’t necessarily feel so bad about all the cows that had to die just to make her favorite leather jacket.

And that’s just one of the hundreds of pictures I found of Ms. Osbourne in various leather goods. Trust me. Typing a female name, and the words “leather dress” in Google with safe search off isn’t always smart. Especially with your mom standing right behind you.

SHUT UP MOM!! IT’S RESEARCH!!

24
Feb

Joan Collins Still Alive, Still Old.

By Pastafarian 23 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Movie Stars, Television Stars and The Washed Up

Joan Collins has carved a huge curse in hieroglyphics that the people at The Daily Mail were good enough to decipher. Take my word for it.  She must have wanted to use one word for each day she was alive.

Why should people be so surprised that women in their 50s, 60s and 70s look sexy and absolutely wonderful?

I don’t know.  Why should someone that’s already outlived my grandmother by four years be considered sexy? These are deep questions.

Joan denies ever having had any kind of plastic surgery, despite claims a few years ago from London plastic surgeon Alex Karidis, who says he saw evidence of cosmetic surgery when he met her in 2004.  He said then…

I clearly saw the scars behind her ears indicating a facelift. I saw that she had also had her eyes lifted. I would say she has had this done in the last five years.

But Joan says…

…I have treated my body as I would a car [Ed: a  rumored major frame off restoration 20 years ago helped], only the best in petrol, care and maintenance, and I’m happy to say it seems to have worked for me.

I wondered what caused her anger, as all the archeologists I know have denied removing the rubies  from her eye sockets.

And then I remembered: Doesn’t she endorse a miracle face cream? One that sells for a paltry $125.00 an ounce? Oh, that’s right–she does.

And Joan continues…

We all know what a drag that is, but there’s no way around the drudgery of reality. We live in a quick-fix society where we need instant gratification for everything. Too fat? Get lipo-sucked. Stringy hair? Glue on extensions. Wrinkles and lines? Head to the beauty shop for a pot of the latest miracle skin stuff.
It’s all a beautiful £1 billion con foisted upon insecure women by canny cosmetic conglomerates.

Wow. At $16,000 a gallon that stuff you’re pushing would add a big chunk to that, wouldn’t it?

Joan continues at great length about all the hot, old chicks in Hollywood, and how they deserve blah, blah, blah…  but I couldn’t get through it all because my giant magnifying glass and ancient code book somehow got Dr. Pepper spilled all over them. Maybe I’ll try again after a nap. Or maybe not.

22
Feb

Update: Chris Brown Still Not Punching Rihanna!

By Pastafarian 19 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, Legal Messes, Musicians and Slimy Creeps

Remember way back when this stuff happened? Probably not. I mean it was a year ago.

Well yesterday, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia M. Schnegg had nothing but good things to say about Mr. Brown because as she put it…

(Brown) hasn’t missed a session of domestic violence counseling and completed 32 days of community labor in Virginia.

Wow!  What a guy. And imagine going to work and finding out some judge is punishing a celebrity by making them do your job. That kinda sucks.

“It looks like you’re doing really, really well,” Schnegg said. “That’s always good to see.”

“Thank you,”  said the master wordsmith Brown, who was sentenced last year to five years of probation and six months of community labor after pleading guilty to felony assault. The judge also said Brown can travel out of the country for concerts in May, and June. A big Watch Out! To the ladies of Uruguay!

The singer has to be back in court May 11th. Quoth Judge (Punch &) Judy:

“By the time you come back, you’ll be way over halfway there”

Do judges in California have to go through some kind of “life affirming classes” or something?

“Who’s a good boy?! Almost there! Widdle Browny won’t punchy punchy anymore!!” Yech.

Well….Good luck Mr. Brown, Just keep your hands in your pockets for the next two years, and everything will work out fine.

18
Feb

Yay! New Jokes!

By Pastafarian 36 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, Television Stars and U.S. Right-Wing Politicos
Guess which one had the important job.

One trick pony (my nickname in high school) Tina Fey is just dying to reprise the role that made her world famous. No not the teacher in that Lindsay Lohan movie. And no, not as that one person she apparently plays to a “T” on that one show with the currently sober (?) Baldwin brother on The Learning Channel or wherever it is.

Nope! OHMYGOD!OHMYGOD!OHMYGOD!!!!1!one!! Sarah Palin! I can’t wait!

I hope there’s a lot of  those “I can see my house…” jokes. I’m doing lots of side crunches to prepare for them. (Gotta strengthen up those laugh muscles, you know.) And she plans on doing it in April on that show that you didn’t even know was still on — Saturday Night Live:

“It’s inevitable that we’ll try it, at least,” Fey said in an interview Tuesday. “We’ll see if it makes it to air.”

“It was the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me,” Fey said. “I’ve never had anything fall in my lap like that. Everything is usually me trying to convince the people of Earth that it’s OK for me to perform. … That felt like the opposite.”

Get that, you foolish Earthling? She’s talented!

I read somewhere a couple of years ago, you know when she said she wasn’t gonna do this anymore, because “she’s tired of that woman” or whatever she purred from behind her sexy fetish eyeglasses. Then SNL’s ratings shot up a whopping 70% (sooo… they went from 30 to 100 viewers then?). Hey, she even won an Emmy as guest actress for one of her four guest appearances, and, AND!  a 2008 AP Entertainer of the Year Award. Whatever the hell that is.

Gee I wonder what might’ve prompted this. I mean, she was all “I’m over that shiz,” and now it’s all, “bring back the Sarah Payless!” So with some sleuthing (you know … reading the article), I discovered that she has a brand spanking new movie coming out April 9th alongside Steve “Box Office Poison” Carell. I am so there. No, that’s a complete lie. I won’t see it.

18
Feb

That’s So Retarded Differently-Abled

By Pastafarian 42 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: U.S. Right-Wing Politicos

Guess who’s mad at “Family Guy“?

WRONG! Not me. I hate that show.  (You’d have to be a retard to think it’s funny.) Time’s up! It’s Sarah Palin.

Why? Because one of their “comedy” writers managed, somehow,  to work a retard reference, about the fat guy’s son Chris who is apparently dating a retard,  into a retarded show that’s watched almost exclusively by retards.

Chris asks his date what her parents do for a living, and she replies:

My dad’s an accountant, and my mom is the former governor of Alaska.

HAHA! OH NO SHE DI’INT!

So timely. I hope next week they can work in a Judge Ito joke.

Continue reading ‘That’s So Retarded Differently-Abled’

17
Feb

It’s a Cookbook!

By Pastafarian 10 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Teen Idols, Television Stars and The Washed Up

Admiral Akbar’s daughter thinks the time has come for her to write a children’s book.

Oh, she has written other best sellers even though I’ve never heard of them, like “sTORI Telling”, and the ingeniously titled “Uncharted TerriTORI.”

Am I making those up? I dare you to guess. Maybe it’s mre difficult to find a way to work “This Is STUPID” into a title. Whatever.

The proud mother of two juvenile calamari got a deal with Simon & Schuster for Presenting…Tallulah.  (Why not Presenting…The Party of Five Infinitely More Talented Members of the Original 90210 Ensemble Cast?)

It tells the story of a little girl who feels she is constantly told what she can’t do. Which I’m sure Tori knows a lot about. I bet people say no to her all the time.

Continue reading ‘It’s a Cookbook!’

16
Feb

BLAKE LIVELY NUDE!

By Pastafarian 8 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Socialites, Television Stars and The Naughty Bits

I bet that title gets a lot of returns for Google searches.  Anyway… Way, way, WAY back in July of 2009 (almost 8 months ago!) Blake had this to say about skimpy outfits, and revealing skin in front of the camera.

I do panic before I have to wear a really skimpy outfit, but I don’t have enough willpower. I had to do a scene in a bra and shorts for the first time in two years.

Oh my God. A bra and shorts? Sounds like Tuesday to me. But I digress.

It appears she’s gotten over her little “I’m shy about taking off my clothes for people who also want to  film it” complex, because every girl has her price. And according to The National Enquirer, hers is right around $2.5 million dollars.

I guess she reconsidered after posing in bondage clothes, or something in the box office smash (?), The Private Lives of Pippa Lee. It was filmed last year. I guess.

“‘Playboy’ had already been calling her — she figures a ‘Playboy’ spread now will really give her some heat in her career,” said a source.

And all it’s going to cost a dying magazine is $2.5 million! What a deal.
I sure hope the people who know who Blake Lively is (kids aged 14-17) have the $7 or whatever it costs to buy the magazine, because I can’t imagine finding nude photos that are free on the internet.

Don’t get me wrong. I can’t imagine anyone that wouldn’t take their clothes off for $2.5 million.

Hell I’m naked right now. At work.

I was wondering what that line of women with cameras and digital video recorders were doing, waiting to get in here. Ladies — please! There’s enough Pasta to go around…

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