Author Archive for simonscowl

15
May

Sean Penn Wants to Save the Environment (Unless It Interferes with His Nicotine Fix)

A few weeks ago Sean Penn organized something called the Dirty Hands Caravan, in which several biodiesel buses traveled from the Coachella Festival in Indio, CA to New Orleans, filled with the sort of people you’d find at Coachella. Plus Sean Penn. Along the way they did, like, good stuff:

The caravan… is the coming together of individuals encouraged to “get involved” in any way they feel compelled, whether its by cleaning up parks or neighborhoods, caring for the sick or needy, or speaking out on behalf of issues such as immigration reform…

As the bio-diesel buses make their way across U.S. cities, members of the caravan will be offered opportunities to volunteer on behalf of established local organizations. However, members of the caravan are free to choose whatever cause or do whatever good they feel inspired to do, whether it is officially organized or not. The goal of The Dirty Hands Caravan is to get people engaged and active in their world. Good works will be done, but the caravan’s overall mission is to “encourage individuals to take individual actions.”

Sounds a bit ill-defined, but hey, whatever makes them feel less guilty about having that much free time. One wit called it “a sort of feelgood A-Team,” which is about right. Or maybe it’s like the Merry Pranksters, except instead of dropping acid with Ken Kesey and having a blast, you get to go around pulling weeds and stuff with a sullen, humorless movie star. Whee. Well, at least it’ll give him something to talk about if he ever bumps into his ex-wife.

Anyway. Then this week he was at Cannes, and France has some strict new anti-smoking laws — which seems dumb because it’s, y’know, France* — but he went ahead and lit up in public anyway. Normally I’d say bravo, but it seems kind of hypocritical to talk about saving the environment and then make other people breathe the smoke from your rotten lungs. How about improving your immediate environment first? Act locally and all that.

Even if you don’t see the connection there, I think we can all agree upon the first principle that Sean Penn is a dick.

*I just meant that on the rare occasion I think about France, I picture everybody walking around smoking cigarettes. But if you want to take it as a slam against them because they’re a bunch of unwashed savages and now they don’t have all that cigarette smoke to mask the smell, that’ll work too.

14
May

Paul McCartney Has Had Better Weeks

As if the continuing horror of his divorce from Pegleg McLeech wasn’t bad enough, now he finds out that his new “eco-friendly” Lexus LS600H was flown to England from Japan:

A source is reported to have said: “Paul was offered a Lexus as a gift and ordered the hybrid limo because it helps to reduce emissions.

“He’ll be horrified after learning it was delivered by plane. Paul has always campaigned for green issues and he can’t understand why anyone would send an enormous car from Japan to Britain on a plane.”

Carbon offsetting firm CO2balance.com said the plane journey would have caused a carbon footprint of 38,050kg, compared to 397kg for a three-week boat journey…

Co2balance.com Director Mike Rigby said: “That is the equivalent of driving the car around the world six times.”

Hey, he should have had it shipped by yellow submarine! Get it? Because, see… he… he was in the Beatles… Leave me alone, I’ve had a bad day.

12
May

Heather Mills Is Not a Good Person

Heather Mills and Paul McCartney were granted a preliminary divorce by a British court today, bringing her one step closer to the $50 million smackers she rightfully earned by letting an aging pop star shoot her full of goo for a few years.

And how does she plan to spend that money? Probably not on Maria Rybkina. In 2004 Mills promised to buy prosthetics for Rybkina, a Russian single mother whose legs were cut off in a train accident when she was 5. According to News of the World, Mills contacted Robin and Inna Barratt, a British couple who’ve been trying to raise money to help Maria after meeting her when she was begging for change on the streets of Moscow. Back then Mills was all talk:

“Heather said she would personally get Maria some really good artificial legs, which would cost around ÂŁ5,000, and cosmesis — the silicone cosmetic covering — which would be another ÂŁ5,000.

“She promised she would also provide all the medical support needed to get her walking again. She told us that because her charity only helped victims of landmines, she would support Maria from her own personal finances.”

Mucca, 40, then met Maria in Moscow, during a visit to Russia with Sir Paul, who was playing a concert in St Petersburg.

Afterwards Mucca sent Robin an email saying: “I will pay for Maria’s costs agreed in advance and paid directly to the clinic. Please email me the price.” In another she said: “Email me costs individually and I’ll get money to you.”

Which never happened, because she’s Heather Mills. So, since the rich and (in)famous “philanthropist” can’t be bothered, the Barratts have been raising the money themselves. Visit Maria’s Story to learn more about her and to buy a book (UK only) about her life, or e-mail invazab@yahoo.com to make a PayPal donation. If anybody deserves it, Rybkina does. She’s had a tough enough life without being used for a photo op by some narcissistic sociopath.

Usually I try to cap off the post with something light — “Hey, Ol’ Beatle-Bilker should really hop to it and write a check already, LOL” — but this one is just too disgusting. It would be one thing if Mills had turned a blind eye, but this monster went out of her way to raise a struggling woman’s hopes with a lot of empty promises. Heather Mills is human scum.

09
May

Mariah Carey Doesn’t Want Kids Because She Wants Kids

Mariah, April ‘08:

“It’s hard to have kids in this world,” she told OK! magazine. “I don’t think I could properly educate a child right now. Maybe in the future, but I actually haven’t thought about it…

“I never wanted to feel violated and I know that’s a kind of weird thing to say, but that’s how I am.”

Mariah, one month and one quickie wedding later:

Newlywed singer Mariah Carey has spoken for the first time about her “soul mate” and admitted she has changed her mind about starting a family.

The 38-year-old singer wed rapper/actor Nick Cannon, 27, at her private estate in the Bahamas on April 30th after a whirlwind six week romance…

The Hero singer said: “It’s (having children) part of the whole purpose of getting married.”

Alright, alright, I guess she’s allowed to change her mind. Who ever heard of an unfickle diva? It’s not like their marriage is even going to last 9 months, but let her have her little fantasies. What I really wanted to make fun of was this tidbit:

Speaking for the first time about their speedy marriage to American magazine People, Mariah revealed she had got a ‘Mrs. Cannon’ tattoo before the nuptials, with Nick getting a simple ‘Mariah’ etching.

Isn’t that perfect? They got matching tattoos, and they were both about Mariah! He should have gotten “I’m With Her,” and she should have gotten “He’s With Me.” I don’t wanna say she’s the one who wears the pants in the family, folks, but I just spotted him picking up some Pamprin and a Lady Bic. For himself. Wakka wakka.

(Hat tip to reader Erin Edmonds)

08
May

Gordon Ramsay Tells Son to Watch His F***ing Language

Celebrity screamer and chef (in that order) Gordon Ramsay is worried about his 8-year-old kid’s dirty mouth. When the little lad started coming home and asking “Daddy, what does “F*** you, you dumb c***’ mean?”, Ramsay had a talk with him:

“I had to sit him down and found out that this was coming from the 16-year-olds on the bus who’d decided to teach Jack Ramsay a different swear word every day… I simply told him they were rude words and he wasn’t to use them in front of the girls or his mother.”

How about in front of several f***ing countries? (NSFW, unless you work for this f***ing psychopath)

08
May

Who’s the Last Person on Earth Who Should Criticize Dina Lohan as a Parent?

No, not Saddam Hussein, silly, he’s dead. Even worse: Michael Lohan!

Earlier this week Dina was honored as a “top mom” by something called the Mingling Moms Organization (which is admittedly ridiculous), and Page Six quotes him as saying:

“Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court. She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling ‘Oh, [bleep],’ when she saw the paparazzi.”

I’m not sure why they bleeped out “pshaw,” but I do know that Michael Lohan needs to shut up about partying too much. Being a good tipper up in the strip club does not count as good parenting skills. Even if the stripper is your daughter

06
May

News Flash: Celebrities Often Say One Thing But Do Another

Britain’s Daily Mail has a nice round-up of what they call “hippy-crites,” celebrities who want everybody else to ride the bus while they fly around on private jets.

  • Chris Martin of Coldplay has convinced himself he’s offsetting his heavy private jet usage (100,000 miles per year according to one estimate) by paying to have mango trees planted. It’s science! Incidentally, Martin is slated to make an appearance in his wife’s next movie as Iron-Deficient Man.
  • Leonardo Di Caprio thinks he’s helping to save the planet by flying commercial “as often as possible” instead of taking a private jet. Talk about self-sacrifice. Move over, Ghandi!
  • Brad Pitt has said, “There’s a lot of problems in the world right now because of our dependency on oil.” Which must be why he and Angelina and however many children they’ve adopted are house-hunting in Monaco, in addition to their homes in New Orleans and Cambodia. That’s a long way to walk from one house to the next, huh?
  • Madonna has toxified the planet almost as much as she’s done to popular music. Her 2006 carbon footprint was estimated at 1,018 tons, or one ton per persona. Which made her Live Earth pontificating all the more enjoyable. “Hey You” yourself, Grandma.
  • John Travolta warns against Global Warming and then jumps into one of his five private jets. Are you noticing a pattern here?
  • Barbra Streisand wants you to wait until the dishwasher is full before you run it. Oh, and her tour rider makes all kinds of exorbitant demands, including rose petals in her toilet.

Etc., etc. But remember: “At least they’re doing something!”

05
May

MADD vs. GTA IV

Apparently, Mothers Against Drunk Driving aren’t busy enough wagging their fingers at people who drive drunk in real life. Now they’re going after sloshed speedsters in virtual reality!

The Associated Press reports:

Mothers Against Drunk Driving wants a stricter rating on “Grand Theft Auto IV.”

The organization is calling on the Entertainment Software Ratings Board, the independent organization that assigns video-game ratings, to reclassify “GTA IV” as an Adults Only game. The action-driving game, which includes the ability to drive while intoxicated, is currently rated Mature.

“Drunk driving is not a game, and it is not a joke,” MADD said in a statement released Tuesday. “Drunk driving is a choice, a violent crime and it is also 100 percent preventable…”

In the critically acclaimed open-world game, players have the choice of patronizing a bar and then attempting to drive drunk. While virtually under the influence, the screen becomes blurred and the controls are more difficult to use. Players also have the option of hailing a taxi or walking. The intoxication effects wear off after a few minutes in the game.

Er… when you’re sitting at home pretending to drive drunk in a video game, you’re not out driving drunk. You probably haven’t even left the house for days. You are a menace to nobody but yourself.

Keep in mind that this is a game where you can do the following:

  • Get a hooker
  • Kill the hooker when you’re done with her
  • Walk down the street stabbing people
  • Kill the cop who comes after you for walking down the street stabbing people
  • Jack the nearest car and plow it through a crowded sidewalk
  • Drive the car off a cliff
  • Repeat

I’d list more, but I only got the game yesterday. That’s not even getting into the stuff like the strip club you can visit or the misogynistic, profanity-laden TV shows you can watch within the game. It’s pretty much a sociopath starter kit, but these nearsighted MADD scolds don’t care about any of that. That stuff doesn’t help them raise funds.

Bottom line: They’re not having a good time, so neither should you.

02
May

Spike Says Silly Stuff Incessantly

The Guardian reports:

Director Spike Lee has waded into the ongoing controversy surrounding Jeremiah Wright, the Chicago pastor whose provocative statements have proved a thorn in the side of Democrat frontrunner Barack Obama. Lee advises the preacher to do the right thing and keep quiet. “The more he opens his mouth, the more damage he does,” he told the Guardian yesterday.

For good measure, Lee hinted at a political conspiracy behind Wright’s recent, contentious attempts to justify his remarks. “It looks like he’s being paid to keep talking,” he said.

Spike Lee. Telling a paranoid conspiracy freak that he talks too much. And that he’s doing so as part of a conspiracy. Usually at this point in the post I try to throw something in to make the person’s words even sillier, but I’m not sure it’s possible in this case. Maybe if he made fun of Wright for being really short and making Girl 6, that might be slightly more ironic.

01
May

Arnold’s Commute Could Be Terminated

Quick follow-up on a story from a few months ago: We told you about how Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, self-proclaimed environmentalist and signer of Cullyfornia’s Global Warming Solutions Act of 2006, has been flying back and forth every day in his private jet between his home in L.A. and his office in Sacramento. We all have our own ways of saving the planet, right?

Well, now Santa Monica residents and even members of his own family want to put a halt to Ahnold’s carbon-creating commute:

A federal judge will decide on May 15 whether the governor can land aboard a Gulfstream IV in Santa Monica, a 15-minute drive to his home in Los Angeles’ wealthy Brentwood enclave. The governor’s brother-in-law, Bobby Shriver, is among the Santa Monica city council members who voted unanimously on March 25 to ban large jets at the municipal airport.

“These guys aren’t listening so we have to lift the conversation to a different level,” said Shriver, referring to proponents of allowing the jets, including the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration. A surge in flights “has changed the whole safety profile of this little airport,” said Shriver, 54, a brother of California’s first lady, Maria Shriver.

Man, Thanksgiving must be awkward!

When told he might have to spend hours every day driving being chauffeured to Sacramento and back — or possibly might even have to live there — due to the meddling of a bunch of nobodies who’ve never made a single blockbuster, here was Schwarzenegger’s reaction:

(Hat tip to faithful Deceiver reader Pastafarian)




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