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Author Archive for simonscowl

16
Dec

Deck the Halls, If That’s Your Sort of Thing

By Simon Scowl 15 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Announcements

Hey, Simon here. Just a quick note to wish everybody Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and best wishes for National Despair Month. As longtime Deceiver readers know, around this time every year I head up to the North Pole to help out Kris during what he calls “crunch time.” This year is especially crazy, what with the crews working around the clock to clean all the dead polar bears out of the lake that used to be his backyard. I just don’t understand why the climate deniers want this to be The Very Last Christmas.

So be good, for goodness’ sake! Or don’t, it’s really none of my concern.

Let’s meet again in ‘10,
Simon

11
Dec

James Cameron: Titanic Hypocrite

By Simon Scowl 72 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Environmentalists and Movie Stars

Welcome, USA Today readers! (Be sure to check out the rest of our crazy hypocrite-hunting.)

James_CameronWhy is it that the guys who’ve got the biggest piece of the pie keep telling the rest of us we don’t deserve what we’ve earned?

Take it away, James:

Its story unfolds on an alien planet in the 22nd century, but director James Cameron says his new film “Avatar” is a metaphor for the way humankind treats Earth today…

Set on a distant planet called Pandora, in the heart of a vast tropical forest, it recounts how strife erupts between an indigenous tribe and an Earth-based consortium pillaging for a precious mineral.

“I see it as a broader metaphor, not so intensely politicised as some would make it, but rather that’s how we treat the natural world as well,” the Canadian-born filmmaker said.

“There’s a sense of entitlement — ‘We’re here, we’re big, we’ve got the guns, we’ve got the technology, we’ve got the brains, we therefore are entitled to every damn thing on this planet’,” he said.

“That’s not how it works and we’re going to find out the hard way if we don’t wise up and start seeking a life that’s in balance with the natural cycles of life on earth.”

James “King of the World” Cameron is lecturing you about your unearned sense of entitlement. Isn’t that cute?

Is there an industry with a bigger carbon footprint than moviemaking? That flick cost something like $300 million to make. How many “natural cycles of life on earth” did it disrupt in the process? How much evil, evil carbon dioxide was produced? How many continents’ worth of mango trees would you need to plant to make up for it? Why is it okay for James Cameron to devote whole rooms full of energy-sucking computers — and the Red Bull-sucking nerds in front of them — to creating photorealistic cat people, but I get a lecture when I leave my cell phone charger plugged in?

It’s not enough to be rich and famous if you’re not somehow “relevant.” Whether it’s Prince Charles or Al Gore or Leonardo DiCaprio or any of these other guys, they all have the same message: “Hey, I deserve to live like this. Now shut up and shiver in the dark, you peasants.”

Continue reading ‘James Cameron: Titanic Hypocrite’

11
Dec

Hey, Remember Rielle Hunter?

By Simon Scowl 19 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, Legal Messes, Slimy Creeps, The Naughty Bits, The Washed Up, U.S. Left-wing Politicos and Writers

It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything about her. Not that we’d have heard of her in the first place if the media had their way. But now the National Enquirer, which made fools of all of them, has this update:

When Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards’ love child, demanded more money in child support from the disgraced two-time Presidential loser, he tossed her and their daughter out on the street, sources tell the ENQUIRER exclusively!

Top secret documents obtained exclusively by The ENQUIRER provide undeniable proof that John Edwards is the father of his mistress’ love child – and show that she’s asking for nearly $18,000 a month in support!

But Rielle Hunter’s cash grab so infuriated the disgraced presidential candidate that, sources say, he basically tossed her and their daughter out on the street just days before they were set to move into a house he’d bought for them!

Usually I don’t like a lot of exclamation marks! But then again, these are the guys who broke the story! And kept it alive even as their more “respectable” brethren in newsrooms across the country were trying to sweep it under the rug! So I’ll allow it!

Continue reading ‘Hey, Remember Rielle Hunter?’

10
Dec

Hop on the Copenhagen Bus! Or Don’t.

By Simon Scowl 27 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, Environmentalists, Politicos and The Religious

Did you know the delegates at Copenhagen have their own bus? Do you have any idea how lonely the driver is?

YouTube Preview Image

“We’re standing at the abyss! Mankind is doomed if we don’t do something right now! Um… as long as it doesn’t interfere with my personal convenience and comfort.” At least that guy in the clown car was committed to the concept, if not his own dignity.

There’s so much going on with Climategate that it’s hard to keep up, you guys!

You’d think these guys would be happy that we’re all gonna be okay. But then they wouldn’t have such a convenient excuse to boss us around.

09
Dec

Al Gore Is as Awesome at Math as He Is at Science

By Simon Scowl 57 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, Environmentalists, Slimy Creeps, The Washed Up and U.S. Left-wing Politicos

I’m going to start calling him Dysfunction Al. He’s a nervous-making stiff even under the best of circumstances, and when you confront him with the end of all his dreams, you have to wipe the flopsweat off the lens:

“These are private e-mails, more than 10 years old…” He made the same claim in a Slate interview today, but they didn’t call him on it like this CNN guy did.

Putting aside the fact that these “private” e-mails are work product from a publicly funded institution, and are evidence that the science is far from settled, they’re not all 10 years old. They do span the last 13 years, but the most recent e-mail is from just last month. They’re evidence of an ongoing effort to hide and manipulate the data, and to suppress dissent. It’s been going on for a long time, and they’re still trying to get away with it. Al’s doing it right here.

There’s no possible way he can admit any of that, of course. His financial and psychological investment in this crap is way too deep for him to acknowledge such, ahem, inconvenient truths. The only way to deal with such a massive blow to his ego is to just bull through it. Pretend it’s not happening. He is, to borrow a phrase, a Climategate denier.

He used to really irritate me, but now he just makes me sad.

No, I guess it’s both.

09
Dec

David Letterman Continues to Humiliate His Family

By Simon Scowl 8 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Slimy Creeps, Television Stars and The Naughty Bits

And according to the Associated Press:

Letterman asked the audience members to clap if they thought Woods was a “jerk.” Letterman then asked them to clap if they thought he was a jerk.

Both received applause.

On the one hand, Letterman is a comedian, and Tiger Woods is the biggest story of the month, if not the year. It’d be tough for him to avoid it. (Although he’s done a fine job of avoiding jokes about the current President of the United States…) So he went with the self-pitying “Wow, that guy is almost as big of a creep as me, eh, folks?”

Which would be fine if it was just him working things out with his wife. But what about their kid? Can you imagine if you were 6-7 years old and this was your dad? On national TV?

I’m trying to imagine his young son’s first Bring Your Father to School Day…

“And what does your daddy do, Harry?”

“He tells jokes.”

“Oh, that’s nice. What kinds of jokes?”

“Jokes about kissing ladies.”

“…ah. Kissing your mommy, you mean?”

“No. He tells jokes about being a serial adulterer who prefers women half his age who work for him. He likes to screw around with them behind my mommy’s back. I was pretty much an accident.”

What? You don’t think so?

Keep joking about what a creep you are, Dave. The Applause sign will light up as always, and everything will be okay. Don’t even worry about what it does to your family.

08
Dec

You’re Not Prince Charles, and Don’t You Forget It

By Simon Scowl 24 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Environmentalists and The Washed Up

Prince Charles, or whoever writes these things for Prince Charles, has an essay in the latest Newsweek. You’ll never guess what it’s about!

As the world edged into financial crisis, there were repeated warnings that we were headed for disaster. In the end, disaster struck. In many ways, the challenge of climate change has a similar feel, and the alarm bells are ringing just as loudly. But while it was possible to bail out the banks and to stimulate economic recovery with trillions of dollars of public finance, it will not be possible to bail out the climate—unless we act now.

Yet even when the basic science of climate change has been accepted by almost all scientists, many others still seem to think that it is unfounded, and that the world has more important questions to address. Reducing poverty, increasing food production, combating terrorism, and sustaining economic recovery are seen as more deserving of our attention. But this is a false choice, for climate change is not an alternative priority to all of these; it is in fact a “risk multiplier,” a factor that will undermine our ability to achieve any of these things.

It goes on like that. And on. And on. It’s the usual fearmongering AGW junk: Every single scientist who matters agrees that WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM GLOBAL WARMING, the only way to save humanity is for you to stop asking questions and cede authority over every aspect of your life to us, etc. This was probably written before Climategate broke, so Chuckie had no way of knowing that our suspicions about the unsettledness of the science would be so well confirmed.

The real sticking point, though, is this:

Continue reading ‘You’re Not Prince Charles, and Don’t You Forget It’

07
Dec

Domestic Abuse Isn’t Funny (Unless It’s Happening to Tiger Woods)

By Simon Scowl 28 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Sports Figures and Television Stars

From last week’s Saturday Night Live:

Hee-hee-heelarious! And you know what’s even funnier? Guess who the musical guest was? Rihanna! Oh, LOL! She got to sit backstage and watch a bunch of crowd-pleasing jokes about domestic abuse go out on national TV! ROTFL!

Hey, how come SNL never did a sketch about Rihanna bumping her face into a car window 8-10 times? Where was the rib-tickling sight gag with a steering wheel wrapped around her head? Why is domestic abuse a horrible thing unless it’s happening to a man?

“Tiger’s wife has good reason to kick his cheatin’ ass,” you say. “He had it comin’,” you say. Well, I’m sure Chris Brown thought he had good reason to do what he did too. It wasn’t until society put great pressure on him that he pretended to be sorry. Now we’ve got another possible case of domestic abuse among the rich and famous, and it’s a big joke. Sorry, but it’s wrong, no matter who the victim is or what he or she might have done.

In other domestic abuser news: None other than Chris Brown tells Vibe that he feels like Oprah stabbed him in the back. Way to make us forget about your violent streak, genius.

Update: Turns out Woods was hurt worse than first reported, and the hospital sending him home as quickly as they did was “highly unusual.”

07
Dec

No Sleep Till Carbonhagen

By Simon Scowl 29 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Environmentalists and The Religious

carbonhagenLet’s say you want to save the world. You’ve spent years telling everyone that mankind is irreversibly altering the environment with our SUVs and incandescent light bulbs and cell phone chargers that we leave plugged in even when we’re not charging our cell phones. You insist that if we don’t do something about it right now, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM GLOBAL WARMING.

So, how do you show that you really believe the words that are coming out of your mouth?

Not like this (courtesy of the Daily Telegraph):

On a normal day, Majken Friss Jorgensen, managing director of Copenhagen’s biggest limousine company, says her firm has twelve vehicles on the road. During the “summit to save the world”, which opens here tomorrow, she will have 200.

“We thought they were not going to have many cars, due to it being a climate convention,” she says. “But it seems that somebody last week looked at the weather report.”

Ms Jorgensen reckons that between her and her rivals the total number of limos in Copenhagen next week has already broken the 1,200 barrier. The French alone rang up on Thursday and ordered another 42. “We haven’t got enough limos in the country to fulfill the demand,” she says. “We’re having to drive them in hundreds of miles from Germany and Sweden.”

“It’s too cold to walk from the hotel to the convention on global warming. Let’s take a limo!”

And then there’s the delicious cherry on top of the hypocrisy sundae:

Continue reading ‘No Sleep Till Carbonhagen’

04
Dec

Chris Brown Proves Humble, Hardworking Blogger Right

By Simon Scowl 9 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Musicians and The Washed Up

The other day, in response to Good Morning America canceling on Adam Lambert but still scheduling an appearance by Chris Brown because he’s more “predictable,” I made a prediction of my own:

Whatever else you want to say about Chris Brown, he’s definitely predictable. I predict that the next thing he says in public will be really stupid.

Did he let me down? He did not let me down. During his 20/20 interview tonight, he talks about his robotic Youtube apology to all his fans:

“I had a week of — not — not even a week, maybe three or four days of PR. And they just telling me like, ‘OK, don’t say this. And don’t say it this way, ’cause they’re gonna take it this way… So, I had in my — my head wasn’t really giving me a chance to be me. It was just being myself through other people. … It was genuinely from me, but it wasn’t projected genuinely.”

If you want to see him projecting genuinely, apparently you have to go back to his previous Youtube statement:

Continue reading ‘Chris Brown Proves Humble, Hardworking Blogger Right’

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