The ad copy reads:

“Buying Animals Is Killing Animals. Save a Homeless Dog or Cat—Always Adopt and Never Buy.”

And in other news, the death toll at PETA shelters in 2009 was 2,301.

Ahem.

Something is fishy here. Oh, excuse me, I mean something is “sea-kitten-y” here.

AOL News reports:

In 2009, PETA euthanized 2,301 dogs and cats — 97 percent of those brought in — and adopted only eight, according to Virginia state figures. And the rate of these killings has been increasing. From 2004 to 2008, euthanasia at PETA increased by 10 percent.

The numbers are remarkable in contrast to nearby shelters. In the same town, the Norfolk City Pound euthanized 54.7 percent of its dogs and cats in 2009. In 2008, the most recent year on record, the Norfolk SPCA found homes for 86 percent of its dogs and cats and euthanized only 5.3 percent.

By its own admission, PETA isn’t even interested in finding animals homes. Why not? Because sometime between when they get picked up as strays and the time they find a loving home, they may have to live in a cage. You know, just like a PETA intern.

Oh the horror!

“Our euthanasia program has never been a secret,” said Daphna Nachminovitch, vice president of cruelty investigations at PETA. “This is one of many, many things that we do to alleviate the suffering of animals.”

“Money can’t buy a good home, so it’s not a matter of money,” she said. “You could build the nicest shelter in the world, but if you don’t have homes for them, they’re still going to sit in a cage.”

Now, I’m not saying that animals like sitting in cages (though despite what PETA would have you believe, my dog actually loves his crate and happily goes in there of his own accord when he feels like a nap). But I have this niggling suspicion that sitting in a cage waiting to be adopted by a nice, loving human is better than, well, death.

To riff off a favorite Eddie Izzard routine:

“Loving family or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.

“Loving family or death?”

“Eh, loving family please.”

“Very well! Give him a loving family!”

And, of course, this is where Kellan Lutz comes in. You didn’t think I was going to let him get of easy, did ya?

In his “exclusive” PETA interview (yes, the hypocrisy runs deep on this one), Kellan explains that

It’s our job to take [animals] under our wing and take care of them and give them a place to live.

There are surprisingly so many animals, so many animals in these animal shelters. It’s sad, and knowing that they get euthanized . . . and there’s a lot you can do . . . spay or neuter your pets so that doesn’t happen.

Or, you know, just stop helping PETA kill them.

It’s just a thought.

But despite all this veggie do-gooding, according to People:

In her latest Goop newsletter, she wrote: “Never have I met such warm people, heard such good music, eaten so much fried chicken. I could go on and on.” And she does go on and on with recommendations about her favorite Nashville restaurants, nightclubs and hotels. Among them: the iconic Grand Ole Opry, honky-tonk Robert’s Western World and Swett’s. [...] The city’s Southern-style cuisine has made quite the impression on Paltrow, too. Known for promoting a strict diet and regular detoxes to quickly shed pounds, she might be ruffling the feathers of her nutritionist with a newfound passion for poultry – not the grilled kind – and other local culinary staples.

“The fried chicken here is superb … crunchy and not oily on the outside and juicy on the inside,” she writes about Swett’s. At the Loveless Café, “their food is delicious, a traditional southern heart attack.”

Perhaps this is emotional eating, thanks to the being snubbed by Nicole Kidman. We already knew she liked chicken, but my, how times have changed since she went South.

Given her high praise of these kind Southern folk, perhaps Ms. Paltrow’s problem all along is that she never knew anyone nice to dine with. In Nashville, enjoyment of food and enjoyment of life and company are all wrapped up in one big greasy ball, much like a hush-puppy.

I am crying fowl (get it? easy pun FTW) because I want other evangelizing food-haters to beware.

WARNING:

Never go to the South. People are pleasant there. They drink “suh-wate tay” and Coke — always Coke, never “soda.”  They eat their steak chicken-fried, their chicken chicken-fried, their catfish fish-fried, and their pork beef-ified. You may be confused at first, but eventually you and your taste buds will come ’round.

You’ll love the food. Then you’ll talk. Then you’ll look like the idiot you always were.

Or it could have had something to with his fortitude in the face of a 19-month prison sentence/the wrath of animal rights activists/rehabilitating his image/personal finance problems … all so he could make his brave return to football.

But no matter what trumped-up reason Vick’s teammates came up with for nominating #7 for the Ed Block Award for Courage, this is about as hypocritical as it gets.

According to the Ed Block Courage Award Foundation Website, the award is designed to honor

…those National Football League players who exemplify commitments to the principles of sportsmanship and courage. Recipients are selected by their teammates for team effort, as well as individual performance.

The Ed Block Courage Award recipient symbolizes professionalism, great strength and dedication. He is also a community role model … He becomes an Ambassador of Courage for victims of abuse, violence and neglect.

After this year, I think the Ed Block folks may want to consider adding “human” to that last sentence.

I’ll spare you the gruesome details, but I think it’s safe to say that what Vick did to his dogs not only qualifies as “abuse, violence, and neglect,” but was also extremely cowardly. Not to mention that in many cases, violence toward animals is often the first sign of a violent pathology that can easily expand to include human victims.

Now I am not one of those crazy people who think Vick should continue paying for his transgressions for the rest of his life. He served his time. He did some apologizing, a little groveling, and a decent amount of (court-ordered) community service.

But I am also pretty sure that none of the above makes him a shoe-in for an award designed to celebrate courage. Just like animal abusers, many drug dealers, thieves, and maybe even murderers can all probably be rehabilitated. But does that mean we should celebrate the bravery of these criminals in “enduring the hardships” they brought on themselves?

Probably not.

But then again, we live in a world in which a prestigious university invites a corrupt politician to lecture about ethics, and Madonna is named an expert on marriage. So taken in that context, Vick getting an award for courage is probably not as surprising as it should be, but still, in my opinion, disgusting.

Yesterday, his PETA campaign debuted. Last night, Navarro went on to perform wearing leather…on his guitar strap…his belt….his shoes.

In fact, he busted himself by tweeting the picture to the right. Consider him yet another manimal celebrity who thinks fur comes from animals and leather comes from the leather tree.

Not only that, but here’s what he once had to say about falling in love with Carmen Electra:

“She had on this white fur coat, her hair down, and her eyes pierced my heart from 20 feet away. The first thing I did was buy her 1,200 pairs of sunglasses to cover up those eyes. I couldn’t risk anyone else having the same reaction.”

So Dave Navarro falls in love with Ms. Electra over a fur coat? Now he’s “reformed” and all that, but he still wears leather? Worst PETA spokesperson ever.

According to Navarro, it was “several years ago” when he saw the footage that affected him so deeply.  Then why did it take him “several years” to sort out his feelings. Perhaps he just needs some attention, and gettin’ naked for PETA is one way to do that.

Want a few more images of Navarro rocking the leather from his concert last night? Click on the jump.

I found on Getty searching for leather lovin’ Dave Navarro:

Actually, Pammy sent a letter to Prime Minister Stephen Harper by putting it in a mailbox in front of the offices of the Canadian Department of Fisheries and Oceans. Does she even know if he works there?

She also said she planned on dropping her car off at the post office because she said it needed a tune up.

The plasticine troll who has starred in at least two sex tapes, was at one time married to or involved with at least two members of two of the worst bands of the early and late 1980s, and starred in such Hollywood classics as “Barb Wire” and “Baywatch.” This is the silicone-for-brains who’s calling seal hunters “an embarrassment to Canada.”

Oh look! A leather purse! Anyway, her letter continues on about something having to do with sea ice and poutine, and how seal pups don’t have anywhere to give birth now that there are so many doughnut shops lining the Atlantic coast.

Says Anderson:

The absence of this birthing habitat will have dangerous consequences for the entire harp-seal population. Without ice, mother seals will be forced to abort their pups in the water.

I don’t know much about ice, and I have no idea what the connection is between this and killing seals for their skins. But I do know that sealskin coats are warm as hell. Nanook was no dummy.

And I also know that if you use square ice cubes in your glass, they won’t cling to the sides like the half circle ones will (thereby leaving more room for scotch). Maybe that’s what she meant.

I did become distracted searching Deceiver’s archives looking for stories involving Pamela’s hypocrisy involving seals, a steakhouse,  and fur coats.

The list is almost endless. I stopped counting after eight. This is getting too easy with this idiot. Writing Deceiver stories about Pamela Anderson is as easy as clubbing a baby seal. Just not quite as messy.

[Matt] Damon has now voiced his shock at the trainer’s “horrible” death, insisting all marine mammal parks like SeaWorld should be “shut down” altogether.

He tells US news show Entertainment Tonight, “I think they should just shut them all down. I’ve never been a fan of places like that.”

So says marine biologist actor Matt Damon in the aftermath of the killing of a trainer at SeaWorld, a tragedy PETA also says is proof that sea creatures should be set free.

I guess he should have thought about that before signing on for top billing in Happy Feet 2, a children’s movie about tap-dancing penguins that has hugely increased the popularity of penguin exhibits at “places like that” the world over.

Nevermind that SeaWorld funds some of the most extensive and important conservation work to protect penguins and the like, reinforcing the environmental message of movies like Happy Feet.

In other words, Matt Damon: PETA doesn’t look too good on you.

“I went out last week and bought $200 worth of flowers and put them in my room by my bed – roses, lilies and lilacs,” the earthy Teter, 23, tells PEOPLE. “When you surround yourself with nature, it’s really powerful. Everything makes a difference.”  She doesn’t just surround herself with it, Teter reveals she’s a vegetarian and puts the best stuff in her bod.”

Ms. Teter is also apparently going “off grid” and moving into a yurt.  I’m sorry, I need to repeat that. Ms. Teter plans on moving into a yurt.

From People:

“In addition to eating healthy, Teter wants to live greener overall, too. “I’m moving into a yurt in the woods near my parents’ home in Vermont,” she says about inhabiting a portable tent-like dwelling.”

For all her love of getting comfy with nature and loving on the environment, what part of buying $200 of flowers make her green? It’s February.  Roses grow from late spring to late fall, but mostly mid-summer. Lilies grow from from mid-June to August. Lilacs grow from mid-spring to early summer. In February, despite how not cold Vancouver is, you still have to get roses, lilies, and lilacs from somewhere.

Here are two possibilities:

1. Hannah is buying them from some super fancy climate-controlled greenhouse in Vancouver that uses electricity and fossil fuels to keep flowers growing abnormally throughout the winter.
2. Those flowers were imported, traveling on massive container ships from some far off land, burning fossil fuel along the way. Which I have no problem with. But Yurt-girl might.

This time of year, roses are sourced from all over Central and South America.  Ever seen the movie Maria, Full of Grace? Chile’s number one flower export this time of year is the lily, but they do a great job getting roses to the U.S. as well.  It’s prime growing season there right now, i.e. “summer.”

And that country is on the other side of the freaking earth. I’d put money on all $200 dollars of Hannah’s hotel-room flowers coming off a “gas-guzzling” freighter.

And those Canadian Olympic flower bouquets that she already has two of? They came from Ecuador:

For the Vancouver Olympics the florists made 1,800 bouquets, 1,707 of which will be given to medal-winning athletes in the Olympics and Paralympics. The flowers are grown locally, but they aren’t in season during February, so additional supplies were flown in from Ecuador.

Going off the grid?  Try dandelions. You can’t get rid of those damned things. And they’re all-natural!

“Louis Vuitton foxtail handbag accessories make me sick. Please do not purchase those! It’s heinous.”

She’s wrong though. These fox tail things would look totally cool hanging from your purse. Or they would, if you were a 15-year-old high school sophomore in 1982.

But this pleased the people at PETA to no end anyway…

“As designers flaunted fur during Fashion Week in New York, and the usual suspects are expected to be as vulgar in Milan and Paris, we’re pleased Sharon is using her voice to denounce the cruelty.”

It seems Sharon is against all the cruelty that goes into making a fox tail purse, but doesn’t necessarily feel so bad about all the cows that had to die just to make her favorite leather jacket.

And that’s just one of the hundreds of pictures I found of Ms. Osbourne in various leather goods. Trust me. Typing a female name, and the words “leather dress” in Google with safe search off isn’t always smart. Especially with your mom standing right behind you.

SHUT UP MOM!! IT’S RESEARCH!!

And that led to me coming across the photo at right. Apparently just before Christmas, he bought that purebred Pomeranian puppy for his way-too-young-for-him fiancée from a pet shop in New York:

Mickey Rourke and reported model girlfriend Elena Kuletskaya now have a furry buddy to accompany them around New York City — a 5-month-old male Pomeranian that they picked up at Parrots & Pups pets store in Manhattan on Saturday evening.

“They just came in and the paparazzi had blocked the front door,” Josh Mash, a salesman at the store tells PEOPLEPets.com. “I asked them if they wanted to see a dog and they picked the Pomeranian.”

Hold up.

Isn’t Mickey Rourke the guy who posed for one of PETA’s neuter-your-pets ads last year? You know, when he said:

“When dogs get knocked up, puppies get put down because there aren’t enough homes for them.”

And doesn’t PETA really, really, REALLY hate pet shops for precisely the same reason?

And doesn’t waltzing into a pet shop on a lark and buying a puppy for your college-aged girlfriend show about as much foresight as pairing a lumberjack shirt with an aqua blue belt? Not all crimes are equal, but ugh, my eyes.

Thanks to a comment by Deceiver fan Bruce, I thought “who else is wearing fur that PETA is keeping silent about at the Olympics?” Why, a number of countries had fur as part of their outfits during the Parade of Nations. (No, I’m not talking about the East German ladies’ back hair.)

This doesn’t even include duck down, or leather, or even the plumage worn by fellow American figure skater Evan Lysacek (of whom, if not for the gallery below, I would put a gratuitous picture in this post). [UPDATE: Lysacek won gold.]

Newsflash: PETA only wants Johnny Weir because of his talent for attracting the spotlight. I offer the following reasons why PETA decided to not attack the following countries’ fur-wearing during the Parade of Nations. Click each image to learn more and see if you can spot the fur!

Click below to read all the reasons at once.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: PETA confused “Bosnia” with “bonsai” and put out a press release stating “We are excited that tiny trees are finally able to move out of the Special Olympics and into the big leagues.”

Czech Republic: PETA is still trying to figure out how to spell “animal cruelty” without three K’s and a silent X.

Estonia: PETA can’t find it on the globe they bought in 1985 to get “all smart about other countries and stuff.” The only thing they see that’s “next to Russia” is Alaska. Wait a second … they can’t find Russia.

Iceland: It’s so cold there, even PETA wears fur.

Kyrgyzstan: See Czech Republic and Nepal.

Mexico: It’s just not politically correct to say anything, since all the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in Texas. (Besides, Mexico has its hands full with people getting abused.)

Mongolia: One time, PETA said something mean about their horses. Then Mongolia said something mean about going all “Genghis Khan” on them. PETA backed off and pretended like they meant to protest the film “Magnolia” instead.

Morocco: PETA is certain that this is a musical instrument. (Cha Cha Cha.)

Nepal: There’s not really a media market. Can’t fame-whore in the Himalayas since TMZ doesn’t have cameras there.

New Zealand: Sheep eat people in New Zealand, not the other way around. PETA is pleased with that, but sheep are starting up SETP: Sheep for the Ethical Treatment of People. Pretty soon they’ll be shearing themselves in front of local businesses, buying red paint, etc.  I can’t wait for naked posters of Mary’s little lamb. I feel dirty now.

First Nations of Canada: PETA knows if they say anything, the First Nations will come after them with their seal-skull-bashing clubs. Damn, those hurt.