These new Miley Cyrus quotes barely need the requisite hypocritical context from me:

“I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing,” Cyrus told Movieline. “I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well that’s because you write everything that you’re doing.” …

“I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Love that she is telling all this to Movieline.com. Not a print publication, you idiot.

Also, lame home videos on YouTube count as the internet. Just thought her hamster brain might require the clarification.

If you’d think to question why Her Madgesty would qualify to give anyone advice on marriage, you’d be wiser than the casting directors at NBC.

Madonna’s love life has been a well-chronicled series of public failures. From her first divorce in 1989 from Sean Penn to her 2009 divorce from Guy Ritchie, the woman has spent nary a minute not wrecking marriages over the past 25 years — her own or others’.

She seems to have a thing for baseball players: José Canseco says Madonna offered him money to leave his wife for her in 1991, and Alex Rodriguez’s wife left him in 2008 claiming Madonna was a homewrecker.

But this is a show by Jerry Seinfeld we’re talking about, a man who poached his wife from another man not three months after they returned from their honeymoon. Any real marriage referee would call foul on that one.

Apparently, despite Bourdain making a fortune as well as a name for himself trotting all over the globe documenting and analyzing all manner of foodstuffs, there’s something really wrong with bloggers who do exactly the same thing — only with smaller cameras and thinner budgets.

Confused? Me too.

In last Monday’s episode of No Reservations, Bourdain tags along with several food fanatics/bloggers including eGullet’s Jason Perlow and Steven Shaw, and Opinionated About Dining’s Steven Plotnicki. Gawker’s Mike Byhoff reports:

[In the episode] Bourdain claims that these three men are so obsessed with food, it’s come to the point of disillusionment about what food actually means. And in the middle the interviews with the each blogger, they each took out their cameras to photograph the food. This is where Bourdain, for some reason, berated them. He voiced serious disapproval when it comes to taking pictures of their food for the purposes of posting those photos to their blog.

Now you’d think Bourdain would be able to appreciate the passion these fellow food-fixators have for their subject matter. After all, this guy is seriously food-obsessed. You’d have to be to subject yourself to consuming such unfathomable dishes as unwashed warthog rectum and fermented shark. Or crazy. Or on drugs. Or both.

But apparently while it’s cool for Bourdain to scrutinize the exotic cuisine of cultures around the world while his Travel Channel camera crew documents each and every delicious or disgusting bite, when food bloggers do it (with their little notebooks and digital cameras), the process is suddenly akin to “keeping a diary while having sex,” as he put it.

In a scene in which Bourdain and Perlow talk turkey (or cow) over a decidedly greasy looking burger, Bourdain tells Perlow he’s missing out on the sensuous pleasures of eating by taking so much time to document the actual food:

Do you think there’s a danger in over-analyzing? I mean it’s just a f*&@#ing hamburger, man. And it’s a good one. But I’m a little concerned about this, actually. What makes it so good is all you’re thinking about is how good it tastes — the grease is running down your chin, you’re tasting the onions, and it’s all good. If you stop to think about it or take pictures . . . I mean, that’s sort of like keeping a diary while you’re having sex.

To which the lambasted blogger replies:

We’re trying to do the same thing you’re doing. We’re trying to share our experiences. Not everybody can just fly to Southeast Asia . . .

Oh touché!

But Bourdain just shakes his head at the tragedy of it all.

Those poor, lowly bloggers — they just don’t understand. Only with a full film crew at your disposal can you truly experience the pleasure of eating and still be able to tell others about the splendid thing upon which you have just supped, and which they — bless their plebeian souls — shall never sample.

Okay. I made that last quote up. Bourdain would never say supped. That’s a word reserved for dorky English majors and not ex-druggie, epicurean egomaniacs. But I swear that’s what he’s thinking … only with more expletives.

Television advertising hypocrisy isn’t limited to CBS, it turns out. It’s an equal-opportunity affliction.

AdWeek.com is reporting that the Oscars organizers at ABC rejected the above ad from AshleyMadison.com, a dating website that targets infidelity-minded married men, because cheating on your spouse is bad. I love it when Hollywood gets all moral on us.

Let’s review some of the nominated films at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards, shall we? (Spoilers lie within.)

An Education: A 16-year-old girl is seduced by a 30-something charmer who, unbeknown to her, is already married.

Precious: The protagonist is repeatedly raped by her own father, which her mother holds against her.

Nine: A critically acclaimed but self-absorbed film director nearly destroys his career with his serial cheating on his patient but long-suffering wife. You are supposed to root for him.

A Serious Man: The main character’s wife reveals early in the film that she is sleeping with a family friend and kicks her husband out to live in a motel with his brother.

Up in the Air: Again it’s the woman who cheats on her husband, this time to have an affair with a clueless George Clooney in airport hotels around the country.

So, Hollywood: What was it you were saying about the sanctity of marriage?

If Playgirl ever asks Jon Gosselin, 32, to pose nude, he may be a little insulted by the offer. “We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000,” Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio tells Life & Style exclusively. “His star is extinguishing, and he’s not very [well endowed]” — as Jon’s exes Hailey Glassman and Kate Major both recently revealed. “Honestly,” says Nardicio, “it’d be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot.”

But since no one thought to ask Jon for a comment and he can’t afford a publicist anymore, he offered this on Twitter:

So wait. Is he saying he would never stoop so low, or no one has asked him yet? ‘Cause for a minute there, it sounds like he’s about to make a moral argument about how his good Christian values would preclude him from doing such a thing, but then he gets all “your people haven’t called my people to work this shiz out.” Maybe he realizes that twenty grand can buy a whole lot of Ed Hardy.

The first contender? A Schincariol beer ad starring Paris Hilton slutting it up that has been criticized by the Brazilian government:

It’s confirmed: Paris Hilton is too hot for Brazil.

A sultry beer ad featuring the socialite has been pulled after consumer complaints and a watchdog agency’s investigation.

The television and Internet ad featured Hilton in a short black dress preening and rubbing a can of Devassa beer on herself, all to the delight of onlookers watching through her window.

Brewer Schincariol said in a statement Tuesday it will defend the commercial, but is pulling it in the meantime.

An ad watchdog group, Conar, asked last week that the ad be removed, noting that regulations don’t permit a beer commercial to treat women as overtly sensual objects. Brazil’s Secretariat for Women’s Affairs also said it had received complaints about the ad.

Color me surprised how the land that inspired the Brazilian wax is suddenly not comfortable with ads that treat women in a sexual manner. Little girls, on the other hand…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yes, that’s a eight-year-old girl gyrating to Lady Gaga sans pants on a Brazilian television talent show. And not even a woof from the watchdogs?

I mean, at least you expect it from Paris.

Actually, Pammy sent a letter to Prime Minister Stephen Harper by putting it in a mailbox in front of the offices of the Canadian Department of Fisheries and Oceans. Does she even know if he works there?

She also said she planned on dropping her car off at the post office because she said it needed a tune up.

The plasticine troll who has starred in at least two sex tapes, was at one time married to or involved with at least two members of two of the worst bands of the early and late 1980s, and starred in such Hollywood classics as “Barb Wire” and “Baywatch.” This is the silicone-for-brains who’s calling seal hunters “an embarrassment to Canada.”

Oh look! A leather purse! Anyway, her letter continues on about something having to do with sea ice and poutine, and how seal pups don’t have anywhere to give birth now that there are so many doughnut shops lining the Atlantic coast.

Says Anderson:

The absence of this birthing habitat will have dangerous consequences for the entire harp-seal population. Without ice, mother seals will be forced to abort their pups in the water.

I don’t know much about ice, and I have no idea what the connection is between this and killing seals for their skins. But I do know that sealskin coats are warm as hell. Nanook was no dummy.

And I also know that if you use square ice cubes in your glass, they won’t cling to the sides like the half circle ones will (thereby leaving more room for scotch). Maybe that’s what she meant.

I did become distracted searching Deceiver’s archives looking for stories involving Pamela’s hypocrisy involving seals, a steakhouse,  and fur coats.

The list is almost endless. I stopped counting after eight. This is getting too easy with this idiot. Writing Deceiver stories about Pamela Anderson is as easy as clubbing a baby seal. Just not quite as messy.

“Louis Vuitton foxtail handbag accessories make me sick. Please do not purchase those! It’s heinous.”

She’s wrong though. These fox tail things would look totally cool hanging from your purse. Or they would, if you were a 15-year-old high school sophomore in 1982.

But this pleased the people at PETA to no end anyway…

“As designers flaunted fur during Fashion Week in New York, and the usual suspects are expected to be as vulgar in Milan and Paris, we’re pleased Sharon is using her voice to denounce the cruelty.”

It seems Sharon is against all the cruelty that goes into making a fox tail purse, but doesn’t necessarily feel so bad about all the cows that had to die just to make her favorite leather jacket.

And that’s just one of the hundreds of pictures I found of Ms. Osbourne in various leather goods. Trust me. Typing a female name, and the words “leather dress” in Google with safe search off isn’t always smart. Especially with your mom standing right behind you.

SHUT UP MOM!! IT’S RESEARCH!!

Why should people be so surprised that women in their 50s, 60s and 70s look sexy and absolutely wonderful?

I don’t know.  Why should someone that’s already outlived my grandmother by four years be considered sexy? These are deep questions.

Joan denies ever having had any kind of plastic surgery, despite claims a few years ago from London plastic surgeon Alex Karidis, who says he saw evidence of cosmetic surgery when he met her in 2004.  He said then…

I clearly saw the scars behind her ears indicating a facelift. I saw that she had also had her eyes lifted. I would say she has had this done in the last five years.

But Joan says…

…I have treated my body as I would a car [Ed: a  rumored major frame off restoration 20 years ago helped], only the best in petrol, care and maintenance, and I’m happy to say it seems to have worked for me.

I wondered what caused her anger, as all the archeologists I know have denied removing the rubies  from her eye sockets.

And then I remembered: Doesn’t she endorse a miracle face cream? One that sells for a paltry $125.00 an ounce? Oh, that’s right–she does.

And Joan continues…

We all know what a drag that is, but there’s no way around the drudgery of reality. We live in a quick-fix society where we need instant gratification for everything. Too fat? Get lipo-sucked. Stringy hair? Glue on extensions. Wrinkles and lines? Head to the beauty shop for a pot of the latest miracle skin stuff.
It’s all a beautiful £1 billion con foisted upon insecure women by canny cosmetic conglomerates.

Wow. At $16,000 a gallon that stuff you’re pushing would add a big chunk to that, wouldn’t it?

Joan continues at great length about all the hot, old chicks in Hollywood, and how they deserve blah, blah, blah…  but I couldn’t get through it all because my giant magnifying glass and ancient code book somehow got Dr. Pepper spilled all over them. Maybe I’ll try again after a nap. Or maybe not.

Lisa Rinna said she was so disturbed by Heidi Montag’s surgically altered appearance on the cover of People, “I had to take that cover off the magazine before it came in the house.” The pouty-mouthed mother of two — who publicly admitted she’s had Juvederm and Botox and inflated her lips with silicone — also told Fancast.com she and husband Harry Hamlin are sensitive to their daughters’ body image concerns: “Anything that has to do with weight issues, I think you just have to be really careful.”

Of all people. Yes, I happen to agree that Heidi went too far, but I don’t think Lisa Rinna, a plastic surgery catastrophe in her own right, is the appropriate inflated mouthpiece for this opinion.

And while we’re on the subject of being careful around her daughters with “anything that has to do with weight issues,” she follows terrible diet and fitness advice herself. In 2008 before she hosted the Oscars red carpet event, she said her get-glamorous tips included “you literally have to starve yourself on that day if you wear a formfitting gown” and counted Dextatrim as a must-have item in her red-carpet clutch because it “curbs hunger.”

She really has her work cut out for her if she wants to teach her daughters anything remotely healthy about body image.