Apparently, despite Bourdain making a fortune as well as a name for himself trotting all over the globe documenting and analyzing all manner of foodstuffs, there’s something really wrong with bloggers who do exactly the same thing — only with smaller cameras and thinner budgets.

Confused? Me too.

In last Monday’s episode of No Reservations, Bourdain tags along with several food fanatics/bloggers including eGullet’s Jason Perlow and Steven Shaw, and Opinionated About Dining’s Steven Plotnicki. Gawker’s Mike Byhoff reports:

[In the episode] Bourdain claims that these three men are so obsessed with food, it’s come to the point of disillusionment about what food actually means. And in the middle the interviews with the each blogger, they each took out their cameras to photograph the food. This is where Bourdain, for some reason, berated them. He voiced serious disapproval when it comes to taking pictures of their food for the purposes of posting those photos to their blog.

Now you’d think Bourdain would be able to appreciate the passion these fellow food-fixators have for their subject matter. After all, this guy is seriously food-obsessed. You’d have to be to subject yourself to consuming such unfathomable dishes as unwashed warthog rectum and fermented shark. Or crazy. Or on drugs. Or both.

But apparently while it’s cool for Bourdain to scrutinize the exotic cuisine of cultures around the world while his Travel Channel camera crew documents each and every delicious or disgusting bite, when food bloggers do it (with their little notebooks and digital cameras), the process is suddenly akin to “keeping a diary while having sex,” as he put it.

In a scene in which Bourdain and Perlow talk turkey (or cow) over a decidedly greasy looking burger, Bourdain tells Perlow he’s missing out on the sensuous pleasures of eating by taking so much time to document the actual food:

Do you think there’s a danger in over-analyzing? I mean it’s just a f*&@#ing hamburger, man. And it’s a good one. But I’m a little concerned about this, actually. What makes it so good is all you’re thinking about is how good it tastes — the grease is running down your chin, you’re tasting the onions, and it’s all good. If you stop to think about it or take pictures . . . I mean, that’s sort of like keeping a diary while you’re having sex.

To which the lambasted blogger replies:

We’re trying to do the same thing you’re doing. We’re trying to share our experiences. Not everybody can just fly to Southeast Asia . . .

Oh touché!

But Bourdain just shakes his head at the tragedy of it all.

Those poor, lowly bloggers — they just don’t understand. Only with a full film crew at your disposal can you truly experience the pleasure of eating and still be able to tell others about the splendid thing upon which you have just supped, and which they — bless their plebeian souls — shall never sample.

Okay. I made that last quote up. Bourdain would never say supped. That’s a word reserved for dorky English majors and not ex-druggie, epicurean egomaniacs. But I swear that’s what he’s thinking … only with more expletives.

“I went out last week and bought $200 worth of flowers and put them in my room by my bed – roses, lilies and lilacs,” the earthy Teter, 23, tells PEOPLE. “When you surround yourself with nature, it’s really powerful. Everything makes a difference.”  She doesn’t just surround herself with it, Teter reveals she’s a vegetarian and puts the best stuff in her bod.”

Ms. Teter is also apparently going “off grid” and moving into a yurt.  I’m sorry, I need to repeat that. Ms. Teter plans on moving into a yurt.

From People:

“In addition to eating healthy, Teter wants to live greener overall, too. “I’m moving into a yurt in the woods near my parents’ home in Vermont,” she says about inhabiting a portable tent-like dwelling.”

For all her love of getting comfy with nature and loving on the environment, what part of buying $200 of flowers make her green? It’s February.  Roses grow from late spring to late fall, but mostly mid-summer. Lilies grow from from mid-June to August. Lilacs grow from mid-spring to early summer. In February, despite how not cold Vancouver is, you still have to get roses, lilies, and lilacs from somewhere.

Here are two possibilities:

1. Hannah is buying them from some super fancy climate-controlled greenhouse in Vancouver that uses electricity and fossil fuels to keep flowers growing abnormally throughout the winter.
2. Those flowers were imported, traveling on massive container ships from some far off land, burning fossil fuel along the way. Which I have no problem with. But Yurt-girl might.

This time of year, roses are sourced from all over Central and South America.  Ever seen the movie Maria, Full of Grace? Chile’s number one flower export this time of year is the lily, but they do a great job getting roses to the U.S. as well.  It’s prime growing season there right now, i.e. “summer.”

And that country is on the other side of the freaking earth. I’d put money on all $200 dollars of Hannah’s hotel-room flowers coming off a “gas-guzzling” freighter.

And those Canadian Olympic flower bouquets that she already has two of? They came from Ecuador:

For the Vancouver Olympics the florists made 1,800 bouquets, 1,707 of which will be given to medal-winning athletes in the Olympics and Paralympics. The flowers are grown locally, but they aren’t in season during February, so additional supplies were flown in from Ecuador.

Going off the grid?  Try dandelions. You can’t get rid of those damned things. And they’re all-natural!

Amanda Holden, celebrity, actress, “Britain’s Got Talent” judge, has a few things to sort out.

From the London Times:

“I hate the gym,” she says. “And I can’t stay still long enough to do yoga: I’m too busy-busy. And I’m vegetarian, but I love my food. Tonight I’m going to 10 Downing Street for my dinner with Simon [Cowell] and Piers [Morgan] because Simon didn’t want to go on his own.” Her guilty pleasures, she says, are “butter and wine. I don’t believe in having low-fat spread in the fridge, and I do indulge in a pudding, and I do like a bit of Stilton when I’m having posh dinners out”. At weekends she and Hughes head for their Norfolk cottage and go for a “massive walk on Holkham beach, lunch at the Hoste Arms in Burnham Market with red wine and a roast, the meat wrapped up and given to the dogs, and then watch a movie”.

So she’s a vegetarian who orders meat and feeds it to her dogs? I’d be pissed if I were that cow.  But wait, unborn chicken is on the menu too?

According to the Daily Mail:

“Writing on her page yesterday lunchtime, Holden said: ‘Having scrambled eggs waiting for make-up girl to come and transform me into a judge for 1st day BGT Glasgow!”

Then duck and crab are apparently on the menu as well.  She appeared in 2008 with celeb chef Gordon Ramsey to cook angel hair pasta with crab and then a “succulent main of duck breast,” according to the promo.

The Daily Mail continues:

Holden revealed her strict fitness regime to stay in shape at the weekend. She told The Observer Magazine: ‘I like a glass of wine, but I don’t smoke. I run regularly and being a vegetarian, I’m probably healthy by default.

Holden claims to be careful about what she puts in her body (clearly not her dogs’ bodies…), but she wants to “look like Joan Rivers.” From Digital Spy:

Amanda Holden has said that she is happy to admit that she has used Botox to remove her wrinkles and will continue to do so in the future. [...] Holden said: “I have had Botox, which I’m happy to admit. It’s running out now, though – I need to go again. I agree with Simon Cowell. It’s like cleaning your teeth – maintenance. “It’s like getting your roots done. I think as long as you don’t go stupidly over the top. I can move my face.”

She added: “You can still see I’ve got some Botox in my forehead but the rest has virtually worn off. Yes, I think it’s character and everything else, but f**k it! That’s why I need to get it done again.” Holden also said that she wants to look like Joan Rivers and sees “no point in growing old gracefully”.

Ms. Holden, your positive message for young women is overwhelming–as is your commitment to vegetarianism.  However will I follow your example? You have set the bar so high! You are “healthy by default,” and you pump your face full of poison…and you want to look like Joan Rivers? (Ok, Audrey, get a hold of yourself.  You’ve mentioned that 3 times.)  Wait, are you wearing leather?

The save-the-animals crowd gets their collective panties in a wad every time I eat a steak, make some artisanal goat-milk cheese, go fly fishing, take down a black bear, ride a circus elephant, trap a lynx, test my new cancer cure on some ferrets, shear some sheep, or stitch some mink pelts together for grandma.

You just can’t please these pricks.

So I think this is a genuine gotcha. I was browsing PETA’s vegetarian cooking website, looking for ways to punish my 5-year-old, when I happened on this:

Country Bread

Making homemade bread doesn’t have to be as difficult as it sounds, and it can be much healthier than store-bought bread, without all the added preservatives. One of my favorite varieties to make is a rustic sourdough. I like to call it “country bread.”

This recipe calls for an active sourdough culture, and the remaining ingredients couldn’t be simpler—just flour, water, and sea salt. To make this a true country loaf, place the round of dough in the oven without slashing the top. As it bakes, the bread will break apart and create a rustic look.

Enjoy!

3 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup water
1 cup active sourdough culture
2 tsp. sea salt

• Combine all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl to form a firm ball. Knead for 5 minutes. Cover and let rise for at least 5 hours at room temperature.
• Remove the dough from the bowl, punch down, knead for 5 minutes, and form a round loaf without slashing the top. Return to the bowl, cover, and let rise for at least 3 more hours.
• Transfer it gently from the bowl to a baking stone and bake in a preheated oven at 450°F for 15 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 350°F and bake for an additional 45 minutes, turning the loaf once halfway through baking.
• Remove from the oven and cool on a wire rack for at least 1 hour before serving.

Makes 1 loaf

Do you see what I see? An active sourdough culture! Why, that’s just another name for a sticky, gelatinous prison for millions of cuddly yeasts! (The yeast is a misunderstood creature whose preferred name is actually “dough kitten.”)

This barbaric chef calls herself “ethical”? First she keeps the dough kittens in a cold container so they can’t reproduce. Then she squishes them for 5 minutes so they can drink a litle sugar water and dust-bathe with salt. And as soon as the poor kitties think the worst is over and fart a few air bubbles, they get punched. And smooshed again.

I don’t even want to think about the Nazi oven. Have these people NO SHAME?

And don’t feed me some B.S. line about how dough kittens aren’t sentient creatures who think for themselves. Neither is Bethenny Frankel, and she has a TV show, for Chrissakes.

Earlier this month in a 60 Minutes interview, as reported by the Daily Mail:

“When I did The Office I was so proud. Then the cheque came in and it ruined it a bit, because I didn’t want people to think that was mixed in with my pride, I suppose. But, as you say, I got over that.” And he explained that this attitude comes from growing up in a poor household.

And here’s Gervais complaining in 2007. From The Sun:

The Office and Extras star told how his estimated £7million fortune plagues him with guilt. Gervais, 46, told Tesco magazine: “I don’t sit back and say, ‘I deserve to earn silly amounts. Doing so has made me feel guilty. Apart from being able to afford more things, I haven’t changed my habits. “I didn’t go into the industry because I wanted to be famous. “It can all get a bit embarrassing.”

Apparently, he hates his wealth so much that he just had to move into Hampstead, one of the most exclusive parts of London a few years back. He’s right near Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, and all the toys he’s bought himself (with his wealth) were extensive enough that his new neighbors were pissed. From the Telegraph:

“The creator of The Office and Extras has not even moved into his sprawling £2 million home yet, but residents are outraged over the extensive construction work he’s carrying out. The builders arrived last month as Mr Gervais sets about transforming his house, adding a pool, sauna, gym and a games room with golf simulator.”

[ ...] Jenny Warren, who lives nearby, said: “It was a perfectly nice house before Ricky Gervais came in and spent enormous amounts of money on it. We wake up in the morning to the sound of a huge generator. It’s unnecessary. There are plenty of swimming pools and gyms in Hampstead as it is.”

Ricky followed that purchase with an apartment in 2008 on New York City’s Upper East Side. For $1.66 million, according to Real Deal.

The PETA-backing, meat-eating Gervais insists he’s “the same person I’ve always been.” But I very much doubt that the poor kid living in public housing in Reading would have complained about having money, or been embarrassed by it.

So for the sake of us “poor kids” who are still “poor,” Ricky Gervais needs to shut up. If he really hates his wealth, maybe he should stop using it. Or give me some.

Hey funny guy! It’s not funny.

Professional reality star Bethenny Frankel — most recently of The Real Housewives of New York City (a bit of a misnomer as she is unmarried and lives in an apartment) — is said to be pregnant by boyfriend Jason Hoppy, but you can’t tell at all from her new naked ad for PETA.

As per usual, PETA went hyperbolic in its praise of Frankel:

Frankel used to wear fur, but then she saw a skinned animal on display at a demonstration outside a cocktail party. After being exposed to images of animals who are anally electrocuted or have their necks broken before their skin is peeled from their bodies, Bethenny ditched fur forever. As one of the classiest and kindest people on reality television, the story behind her decision to go fur-free is sure to inspire others to make the same easy and humane pledge.

Classy and kind are not exactly how I’d describe someone who stabbed her ex-boss Martha Stewart in the back on national television. (Not like PETA really understands class in the first place.)

But like any other naked celeb in PETA’s anti-fur stable, all you have to do is google “Bethenny Frankel” to find out if she walks the walk. You know where this is going.

If you were to take a tour of Bethenny’s Upper East Side apartment, here’s what you would find:

• A fridge full of meat. Among the recipes included in Bethenny’s bestselling diet book Naturally Thin are Asian glazed sea bass, grilled beef tenderloin, shrimp scampi, and the “comfort turkey meatloaf” — very comforting to the turkey, I’m sure.
• Four dogs sharing small living quarters. In this video on PETA’s website, she talks about her four dogs who live in her one-bedroom apartment. Imagine what might happen if PETA got its mitts on them.
• Take-out menus for NYC’s best veal. On her blog Bethenny Bakes, she writes, “In Little Italy, for down home Italian, I like Angelo’s on Mulberry Street. Here you get straight up pasta, veal parmigiana, meatballs or anything Mamma would make.” Seriously? PETA picked a spokesperson who vouches for veal?
• Closets packed with crazy expensive leather goods. A few months ago she told StyleCaster.com that “peeptoe pink platform Louboutins or the Mahina Louis Vuitton bag in ivory” were at the top of her fashion wishlist. Louboutins? Leather. The LV Mahina? Leather.

I’m sure I could spend the rest of the day digging up more info that exposes Bethenny’s fraud, but I’ve got presents to wrap.

In what may be PETA’s most geriatric stunt yet, 1980 Olympics figure skater Tai Babilonia will be skating in the nude tomorrow to protest Santa Baby’s slipping of sables under the tree:

There will be no sequined costume for champion figure skater Tai Babilonia tomorrow — in fact, there will be no costume at all. As part of PETA’s iconic “Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign, the two-time Olympian will skate on the ice rink at Rockefeller Center wearing just a tiny flesh-colored thong, and carrying a sign across her chest. The champion skater is stripping off to encourage shoppers to cross fur off their Black Friday shopping lists.

Deceiver readers in New York, you’ve been warned: Don’t go anywhere near Rockefeller Plaza tomorrow around 12:30. Unless you to see a naked 50-year-old former drug addict making a damn fool of herself, but in that case, you could just become a Pam Anderson groupie and call it a day.

Only thing is, Babilonia’s newfound commitment to animals doesn’t extend as far as Morton’s Steakhouse, since Robin Leach says she’s known to frequent the one in Las Vegas (sixth item):

If the bartender mixing signature cocktails at Morton’s Steakhouse looks slightly familiar, don’t be surprised to learn he is former pro ice-skating champion Keith Green. He starred in City Lights at the Flamingo, and in Le Ice at the Luxor and decided to stay in Vegas as a full-time resident. Previously he appeared on NBC’s Wide World of Sports and toured with Dorothy Hamill’s Nutcracker, and Torville and Dean’s Face the Music world tours. He serves up heavenly martinis with the speed of a skater when best friends Tai Babilonia and Randy Gardner drop by for drinks!

Her love of Morton’s may have come from a training diet endorsed by her longtime coach, who makes no secret of encouraging his clients to eat plenty of muscle-building beef.

And she may want to rethink her support of One Step Closer and AmFAR, both charities that raise money for research to prevent and treat HIV/AIDS. Because how does she think scientists develop such treatments? Fairy dust or animal testing?

Just sayin’, if she wants to get in with the PETA crowd, she ought to know what else they stand for.

Last year, Shanna Moakler gave an impassioned video plea on behalf of PETA in support of vegetarianism, saying it was for the children:

Shanna Moakler is the latest celebrity to spill-all for PETA’s veggie testimonials! The actor/model has come a long way since being crowned Miss USA. Shanna holds nothing back when it comes to speaking her mind about vegetarianism and the fur trade.

Her responsibility as a mother is as important to her as her responsibility to be a compassionate role model. Her children understand compassion for all animals, including those who often wind up on people’s dinner tables.

And then at right, courtesy of People.com:

After appearing on The Wendy Williams Show Tuesday where she talked up her new SMOAK makeup line, reality star Shanna Moakler picks a juicy cut at New York’s Benjamin Steakhouse.

First the fur, now the steak. Sounds like Shanna Moakler is not just off the wagon — she’s slashing the tires.

Ingrid Newkirk sat down with Montel Williams yesterday

Montel tried to get Newkirk to admit that she was trying to get a reaction with this stupid message, but again, no dice:

MW: Ingrid, you have admit, come on, I’ve got it, you were controversial, you hit your home run, it went out of the park, I’m talking about it for three days. And the rest of America is going to keep talking about it. But the truth is, I think Joseph is right. Any child who would use that as a reason, or anybody who now says ‘those fat people are people who pick on animals,’ come on, we’ve got to slow down a little bit.

IN: I wish more than anything you can ever imagine that we could not be controversial, and we could not be provocative. I really do.

Really. Uh huh. Come on. Whatever, Ingrid. All PETA knows is the lowest common denominator, and here the freaking founder is saying she wishes they would tone it down. It’s not like she’s in charge or anything. But unfortunately, Newkirk’s selective memory appears to mean we can look forward to salacious stunts and naked celebrities for decades to come.

(Have to thank Jezebel for transcribing the interview, ’cause there’s no way my ears could take listening to those four minutes over and over.)

Someone from PETA emailed us this morning to say the organization was sorry it had offended so many people with its misleading and malicious “Save the Whales. Lose the Blubber: Go Vegetarian” billboard in Jacksonville, Fla.

No wait, of course they didn’t. PETA was as self-satisfied as ever and repeated its original insult to overweight people in announcing that the billboard will be replaced by an even more smug message:

Ever since placing our original ad, which showed a woman whose “blubber” was spilling out of her swimsuit, we’ve been inundated with calls and e-mails of support from people who want to take our 30-day Pledge to Be Veg. Oregon mom-of-six Ali Bond-Smith is one of the many motivated people, and here’s what she has to say:

Many feel the billboards were cruel to the obese and uncalled for on PETA’s part. I think what happens in the lives of ‘meat animals’ is cruel. … I’m ready to take your 30-day no-meat challenge. … I’d be willing to weigh in before and after a month of no meat and indeed see if losing the meat has helped me begin to lose the blubber.

Since it has been proved that vegetarians weigh about 10 to 20 pounds less than meat eaters do and that a vegetarian diet can lower your risk of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and a slew of other ailments, Ali’s going to make an enormous impact on her health, as well as on the lives of animals.

So: Cruel to people, AOK. Cruel to animals, death to Poochy. Not to mention, I just don’t see PETA getting “inundated with calls and e-mails of support” from people they very publicly called fatties.

As I pointed out when this story first broke, PETA has no business giving dietary advice to anyone. And despite its “proven” claim that vegetarians are thinner than omnivores, that’s not how weight control works. It could just be that vegetarians are more likely to have eating disorders (at least logically, it follows). Besides, plenty of people know enough fat vegetarians to mean that no one’s buying this bunk.

Fact: PETA’s main concern is not with human health, it’s with convincing people not to eat meat — and not caring how many people they piss off in the process.