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Archive for the 'Legal Messes' Category

04
Feb

Followup: It wasn’t Dragons After All!

You might think I’m following the Brittany Murphy story a little too closely, but no one ever complained about that back in the salad days of Simon Scowl and John Edwards. I’m just sayin’.

I was fascinated with the idea that a sexy, young Hollywood starlet type could fall for a schlubby, unkempt, unshaven type. Especially one who would defend her against the scurrilous, absolutely untrue allegations that her purse was a portable pharmacy.

Not me of course. I wear a monocle and top hat for breakfast. More for you, really.And my purse is a portable — well, never mind.

Admit it: some of you laughed when I suggested it might not have been a dragon attack that killed her.

Surprise!

The L.A. County coroner’s office says actress Brittany Murphy died of pneumonia complicated by an iron deficiency ( Ed.-I guess she never stood at the business end of my rifle), anemia and multiple drug intoxication.

Coroner officials said Murphy had gone into sudden cardiac arrest because of “drug intake,” and the Dec. 20 death was classified as an accident. They said an autopsy report would be available in two weeks.

It really is all very sad. But let this be a lesson to you. Next time some beefy, sexy, and unshaven Lothario offers you unconditional love if you’ll just let him have a credit card and your bank account number, don’t give it to him.

I wouldn’t. Not again.

03
Feb

John McCain Switches Teams on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Back in October 2006 when presidential hopeful John McCain was still pretending to be a moderate to appeal to the young ‘uns, he had this to say to students at Iowa State about the military’s longstanding Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy:

We have to have the most effective and professional military that we can possibly obtain.  I listen to people like General Colin Powell, Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and literally every military leader that I know.  And they testified before Congress that they felt the “don‘t ask, don‘t tell” policy was the most appropriate way to conduct ourselves in the military … And I understand the opposition to it, and I‘ve had these debates and discussions, but the day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, Senator, we ought to change the policy, then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it because those leaders in the military are the ones we give the responsibility to.

Well, that day arrived yesterday, when Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Admiral Michael Mullen called repealing DADT “the right thing to do.” So what is McCain’s current position on gays in the military? Not quite so moderate anymore:

“At this moment of immense hardship for our armed services, we should not be seeking to overturn the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy,” he said bluntly, before describing it as “imperfect but effective.”

So much for chain of command.

If I may take a moment to grandstand, Sen. McCain doesn’t seem to appreciate that there are gays in the military whose “immense hardship” he can’t even imagine. Right now, all over the world, gay men and women are fighting to protect our country from inside a closet. And to date, I haven’t heard of a single tactical error committed because some guy was too distracted checking out his fellow soldier’s package.

03
Feb

Simon Monjack, Let Me Introduce You To “Reality”

Quick update on Simon Monjack.

TMZ sez:

Brittany Murphy’s husband has suddenly called off the fundraising party he was throwing in her honor tomorrow night — but the man who pulled the plug isn’t saying why …

[G]uests for the event received the following email from someone at the Brittany Murphy Foundation, “So sorry but the memorial has been canceled due to an illness in the family.”

We spoke with Rabbi David Baron, who was supposed to conduct the memorial, who told us when the call came in, the person who canceled never gave a reason.

I guess the timing clashed with the triathalon he was planning to compete in.

(I totally swiped this picture from The Superficial, but that guy already f-cking hates me. Hahahahahaha. He’s a spaz anyway.)

03
Feb

Who is Simon Monjack? And Why is He Richer Than Me?

Brittany Murphy was the late “Clueless” actress,  and … well, I guess she was in other movies too. Wanna know what they were? Call Roger Ebert.

Anyway, Brittany died of cardiac arrest on December 20, caused by one of the following:

  1. a drug overdose
  2. a dragon attack
  3. old age

She was 32 years old, so I guess we can probably narrow that down to two choices.

And, oh yeah: The autopsy’s done! I guess it takes six to eight weeks to come up with a medical term for a crap-load of drugs. Allegedly. We’ll probably know the official result on some spring afternoon when her husband’s publicist decides to bury it in the Good Friday news cycle.

Brittany’s husband, er, widower has denied she had a drug problem. (Surely that’s why he initially refused to let the coronoer perform an autopsy …)

Simon Monjack is what I think David Lee Roth would look like if he became a warehouse worker instead of a gigolo. He told the Today show:

Let’s set the record straight once and for all – Brittany was not taking any medication for her mood, for anorexia. It’s utterly ridiculous that these rumors have perpetuated.

Monjack added that the star only took painkillers for about 5 days a month for menstrual pains and mood swings. Thank God he’s here to help sort it all out.

Continue reading ‘Who is Simon Monjack? And Why is He Richer Than Me?’

27
Jan

Nancy Grace: Camera Whore No More

The Brothers Grimm could not have penned a more germane cautionary tale.

Nancy Grace, the CNN talking (and talking, and talking, and talking) head, is in the midst of a wrongful death suit brought against her by the family of Melinda Duckett, a 21-year-old woman who shot herself in 2006 after Grace interviewed her about the disappearance of her two-year-old son.

Ironically, and for perhaps the first time in her life, Grace is camera shy. The Orlando Sentinel reports:

The latest news has the woman who will exploit anything for ratings — we’re talking slaughtered children, abused spouses, you name it — suddenly deciding that some people are entitled to privacy.

And by “some people,” she means her.

The latest news has Grace’s lawyers trying to ban cameras from videotaping her being questioned about a woman, Melinda Duckett, who killed herself after Grace interviewed her.

Grace — who has made an entire career out of turning other people’s tragedies into entertainment — argued that the video might cause “annoyance, embarrassment, oppression, and undue harm should the videotape be released prior to trial for purposes unrelated to the litigation,” according to the emergency motion, filed Monday in U.S. District Court in Ocala.

Now, as far as the legal issues are concerned, it seems to me that Counselor Yakety-Yak should be fully protected in this case by the First Amendment. Sure, she’s among the most obnoxious and grating personalities to “grace” CNN in recent history, but it’s a slippery slope to start holding journalists legally responsible for asking questions … no matter how cruel and insensitive those questions might be.

That said, I’m not sure she can dodge the bullet (see, now that was insensitive) on the whole “not wanting to answer for her actions on camera” thing. Ah, Nancy, the media is a cruel, cruel mistress. Now, smile for the cameras!

26
Jan

CBS = Christian Broadcasting Service?

UPDATE: CBS is reportedly considering running a Super Bowl ad produced by a gay men’s dating website.

Say a prayer for me. I’m about to get controversial.

In a “why am I not surprised” move, CBS executives have decided that it would be perfectly consistent with their “longstanding policy of not accepting advocacy advertising” to air a pro-life (Ahem. excuse me, pro-family) ad during this year’s Super Bowl.

The $2.5 million, 30-second spot is sponsored by Focus on the Family and stars the bible-verse-eye-blacked Tim Tebow and his mother. Who is really glad she chose life, now that her son will soon be richer than Peyton Manning. As the Colorado Springs Independent reports:

The Focus ad supposedly features the story of University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother. Pam Tebow and her husband were Christian missionaries in the Philippines in the ’80s, and during her pregnancy with Tim she developed amoebic dysentery. Doctors told her the strong drug they used to kill the infection had likely damaged the fetus, and they suggested an abortion. Pam refused. Tim was born healthy, won the Heisman Trophy in 2007, led Florida to the national championship a year ago and is a likely top draft pick in next spring’s NFL draft.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Tebow making an ad for a cause he believes in. Did you catch that? I’m going to say it again just in case: Tim Tebow, who does God’s work by winning football games, loves Jesus, unborn babies, and his momma, should make any pro-life-pro-Jesus-pro-whatever ad he wants to. Go for it. Good for him. (And good for Him too.)

And really, there’s nothing wrong with CBS deciding to air the ad (to be fair, the final decision has yet to be made), except for one little thing.

Continue reading ‘CBS = Christian Broadcasting Service?’

26
Jan

Alabama Anti-Gambling Task-Force Chief Wins Jackpot, Resigns. Then Things Get Weird.

Welcome Farkers! (If you don’t know what a Farker is, shame on you.)

Southern politics are rife with corruption. It’s been that way for a long, long time. (I grew up in the South, so I’m allowed to generalize. Y’all.)

When I was a child, I thought whenever an Alabama Governor left office, he was automatically sent to jail. I even met a Governor once towards the end of his term and pitied him.  I just knew he’d be in jail soon.

The latest down there is that David Barber, the appointed head of the state Task Force on Illegal Gambling, won a jackpot gambling in Mississippi. So while he’s fighting gambling in Alabama, trying to keep it illegal, he’s popping over the border for some quick cash. The Dothan Eagle reports:

“On a recent visit to Mississippi, I visited a legal casino and won a $2,300 prize playing a legal game,” Barber wrote in his resignation letter to Gov. Bob Riley. “While my actions were in full compliance with the law, I am convinced that the forces that operate illegal casinos in Alabama will focus on my actions as part of their continuing effort to smear you and your Task Force.”

And it turns out he was actually followed there by a P.I. hired by the Victoryland Casino. Which is just sad. (The name “Victoryland,” that is.) I’ve never had the pleasure of visiting, but I picture it looking a lot like the roadhouse from Porky’s.

To top it all off, Governor Riley (who totally does not want gambling in Alabama, in case you weren’t clear on that) allegedly received millions of dollars in campaign cash from the “Mississippi Indians” who run the casinos there. Chief Doubles-Down-With-Eleven apparently hoped Riley would keep gambling out of Alabama so gazillions of wampum beads would flow into Mississippi as Alabamians cross the border to gamble.

Guess who else was involved? (No, not Hitler, but you’re close.) HuffPo “reports”:

Continue reading ‘Alabama Anti-Gambling Task-Force Chief Wins Jackpot, Resigns. Then Things Get Weird.’

22
Jan

Wanted: The Truth About Demi Moore’s Photoshopping

demi-moore-wanted

In November, Demi Moore launched a full-blown legal assault on the very idea that she would be Photoshopped for the cover of W magazine. She even went as far as to authorize her attorneys to intimidate anyone who would suggest she might have had a little digital help to, say, steal the body of a runway model half her age.

An excerpt from a letter her legal team sent to one offending blogger:

[T]he truth is now well established. My client’s hips, waist or legs were not altered, retouched, or photoshopped for the cover image. Statements stating or implying to the contrary are false and defamatory.

As you are undoubtedly well aware, my client’s appearance is of great importance to her career and livelihood, and false claims or insinuations that she secretly uses extraordinary artificial means to alter her appearance are extremely damaging.

Just one technicality: I don’t think anyone calls photo retouching “secret” or “extraordinary” anymore. As far as everyone is concerned, it’s par for the course in any image designed to sell something — especially beauty products.

Like, for example, Demi’s new perfume ads for Helena Rubinstein. On the left is the ad that is now running in magazines. On the right, a frame from the photo shoot for said ad snapped by Demi’s husband Ashton Kutcher and posted on Twitter.

Continue reading ‘Wanted: The Truth About Demi Moore’s Photoshopping’

20
Jan

Britney Spears Shops for Shoes on Bodyguard’s Credit Card

britney-spears-shoppingBritney Spears has been doing so well for  a while now. It’s been at least a year since she last shaved her head or hit any cars with an umbrella or got pregnant by Kevin Federline. I was really hoping her desperate days were behind her.

Except now TMZ says she was busted at a Steve Madden store for buying boots with her bodyguard’s plastic:

Britney hit up the Steve Madden store in the Valley over the weekend and bought 2 pairs of boots. We’re told Brit paid for the new kicks with a credit card, but the card had the name of one of her bodyguards on it.

The store employees gave Britney a hard time over the card … because she signed her own name on the dotted line. We’re told Britney convinced the clerk the person named on the card is an employee of her company and she was entitled to use it.

Here’s the thing: Under the terms of the conservatorship Britney has a credit card with a limit of $1,500 a week.

Wait — $1,500 a week? And she’s shopping at the cheapest, tackiest shoe store in the mall? Doesn’t she know that Steve Madden has made an industry of ripping off Christian Louboutin, and she could easily afford the real deal with her annual shopping budget of $78,000?

But I digress. The real issue here is that this type of credit-card fraud is precisely the same behavior that she claimed former “business manager” and professional leech Sam Lutfi was perpetrating against her when she filed for a restraining order two years ago.

Continue reading ‘Britney Spears Shops for Shoes on Bodyguard’s Credit Card’

12
Jan

Tila Tequila’s Definitely NOT on a Pre-Funeral Press Tour.

If Tila Tequila’s behavior immediately following the death of her lover Casey Johnson wasn’t bizarre enough for you, the always pornographic “Shot At Love” pixie has re-emerged from the shadows — insisting, as always, that she’s definitely not milking the Johnson & Johnson heiress’s death for publicity.

Nuh-uh. Nosiree. Nothing to see here. And she’s certainly “not doing a press tour” like Perez Hilton. Or something.

tilatweet1

Lemme ask you this: If she were on a press tour, trying to make someone’s tragic death into a story about herself, what sorts of things would she (or her publicist) be doing?

Continue reading ‘Tila Tequila’s Definitely NOT on a Pre-Funeral Press Tour.’




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