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Archive for the 'The Washed Up' Category

01
Jul

Pauly Shore Might Sue Sacha Baron Cohen Over Brüno

By Holly Won't 19 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Legal Messes, Movie Stars and The Washed Up

pauly_shoreEveryone likes to sue Sacha Baron Cohen, but I have to think he didn’t see this one coming. Pauly Shore has contacted his lawyers over a scene from Brüno:

Sacha Baron Cohen is facing more legal woes — comedian Pauly Shore has alleged a scene in new movie Bruno is taken from his film Adopted.

In Bruno, Cohen’s outlandish character collects an African baby out of a box on an airport baggage carousel before turning to the camera and saying, “Angelina’s got one, Madonna’s got one, now Bruno’s got one,” in a gag joking about stars who adopt foreign children.

The funnyman reportedly sent Madonna flowers and a sympathetic note during her recent battle to adopt Malawian Mercy James, to apologize for the skit.

And now director Shore alleges the scene bears a striking resemblance to the trailer and tagline for his new film, Adopted — a comedy about the public’s obsession with celebrity babies.

According to the New York Daily News, Shore has contacted his attorney and is preparing to take legal action against Cohen.

I know what you’re thinking — Pauly Shore can still afford legal bills?

The poor man’s Adam Sandler hasn’t had a hit in ages, and the adoption film in question doesn’t have a release date yet. But even at the height of his popularity in the ’90s, most of the drivel he starred in borrowed heavily from other, more successful movies. Bio-Dome spoofed The Six Million Dollar Man, Apocalypse Now, The Karate Kid, Blue Velvet, and JFK, according to IMDb. And Encino Man’s gags were cringe-worthy parodies of Rocky, Terminator, and Risky Business.

But now we’re supposed to believe that at age 41, Pauly Shore has finally had an original idea for the first time ever, and a far more popular and relevant comedian supposedly stole it from him?

Am I missing the punch line?

22
Jun

Chris Brown Avoids Becoming Chris Orange-Jumpsuit

By Simon Scowl 24 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Musicians and The Washed Up

putzThe cranium-cracking crooner totally skated today on beating up his girlfriend:

Chris Brown will do six months of “community labor” but no time behind bars for assaulting the pop star Rihanna under the terms of a plea agreement reached this afternoon…

Under the agreement, Brown, 20, will serve five years’ probation and take a year-long domestic violence prevention class. L.A. County Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg also ordered him to stay at least 50 yards away from Rihanna, 21, for the next five years.

And now, a statement from Chris Brown (NOTE: NOT ACTUALLY CHRIS BROWN):

Yo, what up. We got, it’s all about, know what I’m sayin’. It’s like I ain’t even, y’know. Thing is, for real, yo. I gotta take a class and aythang. And I can’t hit Rihanna no more. Not like hit hit, know what I mean, but I can’t even, like, hit that. Which ain’t seem fair or nuh-in. But keep hatin’, haters. New album droppin’ soon, gonna be tight like Dolemite, check it out, y’all. Peace.

(If you don’t get the reference, click here.)

22
Jun

Another Addition to the John Edwards Bookshelf?

By Simon Scowl 74 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, The Naughty Bits, The Washed Up, U.S. Left-wing Politicos and Writers

John Edwards is acquiring quite the library! The philandering philanthropist’s personal bookshelf includes his wife’s new memoir, Resilience. And of course, there’s his well-worn copy of How to Bang Cougars and Alienate People, right next to a dogeared Adultery for Dummies. Now comes word that yet another Edwards-centric book may be in the works.

Per the Daily Beast:

Campaign worker Andrew Young — who claimed to be the father of Rielle Hunter’s child and was paid to take her into his home for eight months — is shopping a tell-all book proposal dishing about the sex scandal…

According to his proposal, represented by David McCormick at McCormick Williams, the book would chronicle the tale of his long friendship with the Edwards family, his attempt to help Edwards by taking a pregnant Rielle Hunter into his home to live with him and his wife, Cheri, and their three children, and the fallout when the press (and Elizabeth Edwards) caught wind of the plan.

Edwards had to know something like this would happen eventually. When you pay for people’s silence, they’re only going to clam up as long as you keep, well, shelling out the clams. And with the untimely death of Edwards’ moneyman Fred Baron, apparently Edwards isn’t willing to write his former stooge an unlaundered personal check.

The Beast also notes the uncanny resemblance between Young and a certain Arrested Development star, which we pointed out almost a year ago:

Role of a lifetime, Mr. Arnett!

Let’s see, what unanswered questions should this book address? Just off the top of my head, Mr. Young…

  • Did you really think anybody was going to believe that you fathered Rielle Hunter’s baby, even after the reports that you’d invited her to dinner with your family in your own home when she was visibly pregnant?
  • When you moved your wife and kids across the country to live in a rented mansion with you and the woman you allegedly knocked up, at any point did anyone involved wonder if maybe it was a bad idea?
  • If you had managed to hide the baby and Edwards had been elected president, what then? Were there plans for how you’d continue the ruse at least until the kid’s 4th birthday, if not her 8th? Was anybody even thinking that far ahead?
  • What’s next for Andrew Young? No matter how well this book sells, it seems like sort of a one-time deal. Will you look for another horny politician to clean up after? I hear Bill Clinton could use a pal these days!
  • How does Cheri feel about being the wife of the guy who made a living pretending to be an adulterer in order to protect a liar, and who’s now transitioning into a career as the guy who tattled on that liar?

An incomplete list, but it’s a good start. Leave your own questions in the comments, commenters!

P.S. Is anybody even pretending anymore that Edwards isn’t the father? Besides Edwards, of course.

P.P.S. Edwards, on what he sees as his political future: “Sometimes you just keep your head down and work hard and see what happens.” If only Rielle had kept her head down, instead of her feet in the air.

19
Jun

Jeremy Piven Sticks to Fish-Free Diet, B.S. Story About Needing Fish-Free Diet

By Simon Scowl 17 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Movie Stars and The Washed Up

You’ve been wondering whatever happened to the ol’ Pivenator, right? Of course you haven’t, but he still wants you to know that he was totally telling the truth about eating so much fish that he was sweating pure mercury:

“I haven’t had a piece of fish since the doctor told me to lower my blood mercury level,” the Entourage Emmy winner told PEOPLE during Thursday’s Lakers celebration party at Los Angeles’s Nokia Club. “So, it’s been almost 10 months now.”

Piven, 43, abruptly left the Broadway revival of David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow mid-run in December with an ailment his doctor called fatigue from mercury poisoning.

Miffed over his departure from the show, producers filed charges with Actors Equity against Piven, with the case currently tied up in arbitration…

The path to health, he says, is, “You just change your life and kind of do it. It wasn’t necessarily the sushi. It was just a steady diet of fish. Twice a day for 20 years. That’s not right for anyone.”

Neither was Smokin’ Aces,  dude, but you still took the money. Well, it’s no wonder you don’t have an appetite for fish anymore. You must be stuffed after months of eating your own words.

By the way, Piven might not eat fish anymore, but he still gets soaked to the gills.

Update: Hey, since he’s no longer a “piscaterian,” does that mean he’s dropping the pretense that he doesn’t eat animals? Hope so. If you’ve ever seen one of his movies, you know he doesn’t really have anything against ham.

Update: Pinpuller in the comments, for the win: “I think this explains his falling out with Ellen.”

16
Jun

Chuck Norris Finally Gets the Joke. Sort Of.

By Holly Won't 21 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Movie Stars, Television Stars, The Washed Up and Writers

chuck_norris2Chuck Norris has announced he will be releasing a book this fall containing 101 autobiographical facts through Christian publishing house Tyndale Books.

If this idea sounds a lot like ChuckNorrisFacts.com and the companion book that spent a month atop the New York Times bestsellers list in 2007, it is. Except back then, Chuck Norris really hated the idea and indeed sued the publishers of The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World’s Greatest Human, claiming that “some of the ‘facts’ in the book are racist, lewd or portray Mr. Norris as engaged in illegal activities.”

The lawsuit only served as free publicity for the book and was eventually dropped when Chuck Norris realized he could get on this gravy train. Although, I have to imagine, his version will have zero self-awareness and even less humor.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn’t understand parody. Or evidently hyperbole, unless he really feels “When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk; when the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris” is somehow defamatory.

08
Jun

Stop the Presses: Heidi & Spencer Are Liars

By Simon Scowl 13 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Crazy People, Television Stars and The Washed Up

As Holly told you last week, the famous-for-being-famous famewhores Heidi and Spencer Pratt were dependably spoiled divas on the Costa Rican set of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, undoubtedly the finest program ever to appear on American television. They even entered the torture debate by claiming that NBC’s treatment of them qualified as such.

Not so, sayeth Us Magazine:

In the wake of Internet reports that Heidi and Spencer Pratt were “tortured” on the set of NBC’s I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!, leading to Heidi’s hospitalization Saturday, an on-set source tells Usmagazine.com all allegations are false.

“Any accusations that Spencer and Heidi were harmed are untrue,” the source confirms, adding that while the couple spent approximately 14 hours in the Costa Rican jungle’s “Lost Chamber” awaiting their fate in the series, rations were indeed provided…

“There was no danger, no life-threatening situations — in fact, they were actually protected from the elements, unlike the other contestants,” the source adds. “When they came out, they were happy and in good spirits.”

We are through the looking glass here, people. If we can’t trust Heidi & Spencer, who can we trust? And least we can still count on Jon & Kate and OctoMom. Thank you for being there for us, Reality TV.

(By the way, I know we don’t really have presses. That’s an old saying from back when newspapers made money.)

02
Jun

Chrissie Hynde is an Animal-Rights Pretender

By The Oversneer 32 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Musicians, PETA and The Washed Up

chrissie_hynde_5082763Pretenders screech-whore Chrissie Hynde is a big PETA backer. She can’t stand fur. Hates the rodeo. Even complains about the Running of the Bulls. (I always thought a half-ton side of beef could pretty much take care of itself…)

So I did a momentary WTF double-take yesterday when I saw that Hynde and her group will be doing an August 19 concert this summer — at the Minnesota Zoo.

PETA and its whole world of bunny huggers don’t like zoos. (Oops: I meant to say that they “don’t like institutionalized imprisonment of our wild animal friends.”)  And it’s not like Chrissie is unaware of this fact. Check out this snippet from a 2004 interview she gave to the Australian activist group “Animal Liberation”:

June: “I despise zoos and circuses with animals. What about you Chrissie?”
Chrissie: “The animals have got to be free.”

Oh, sure … the animals have got to be free. But the concert tickets? Not so much. The Star-Tribune notes:

The concert is commanding the highest zoo ticket price ever — $68. The previous high was $54 for Hootie and the Blowfish in 2008.

$68 to hear a washed-up PETA-worshiping rock band — at a zoo? For that kind of money, Chrissie Hynde had better personally meet me backstage draped in mink, riding a rodeo bull, and drinking the blood of an endangered marsupial.

Of course, for the right amount of money, perhaps her prohibition against supporting zoos is, shall we say, “flexible”? So I wouldn’t put the mink coat past her.

29
May

Elizabeth Edwards Sounds Ready for a Do-Over

By Simon Scowl 26 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: The Washed Up and U.S. Left-wing Politicos

Courtesy of Mickey Kaus, here’s Elizabeth on The Charlie Rose Show the other night:

CHARLIE ROSE: How would you have lived your life differently based on what you know now?

ELIZABETH EDWARDS: Boy, I mean, there’s so many — I certainly would have gotten mammograms more often. That was an easy one.

CHARLIE ROSE: Yes, of course, right.

ELIZABETH EDWARDS: You know, I would not have voluntarily put myself in a position where I thought I would lose a child…

CHARLIE ROSE: Of course not.

ELIZABETH EDWARDS: … and that I would feel so betrayed. I wouldn’t have done that voluntarily. I would…

CHARLIE ROSE: What does that mean? I don’t know what that means.

ELIZABETH EDWARDS: That means I would have made different choices. You know, I might have married somebody else and done something else …

Wow. Are there still people holding out hope that John Edwards’ political career can be resurrected? Besides John Edwards, of course.

27
May

Chris Brown Not a Monster, Says Chris Brown

By Simon Scowl 25 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Musicians and The Washed Up

The R&B (rampaging & battering) artist’s new album is dropping, and so is his credibility:

YouTube Preview Image

Here’s my best attempt at a transcript:

Yeah, I’m tellin’ you. We not, we not. And I don’t do all this talkin’ on the thing, this just some new stuff I’m doin’, I wanna say what up. ‘Cause I ain’t been out there in a minute. But. New album gonna be comin’ soon. We workin’ on that right now. It’s called Graffiti, got everything on it, know what I’m sayin’? So y’all be ready for that. I’m about to drop a single this summer for y’all, so. We ain’t goin’ nowhere. Everybody that hate us, they just been haters. All my real fans, I love y’all. I ain’t a monster.

This is valuable new information. We now know that Chris Brown has three things: his own bowling alley, at least one friend left, and a complete inability to accept responsibility for his own actions. Oh, and locution worthy of a Shakespearean stage actor. Make that four things.

(Hat tip to The Superficial)

23
May

How Can Trudie Styler Save the Planet Without Helping to Destroy It?

By Simon Scowl 25 Comments Digg! Digg this
Categories: Activists, Environmentalists, Fashionistas, Musicians, Socialites and The Washed Up

Last week, Britain’s The Guardian newspaper joined all rational people in mocking Trudie Styler, wife of Sting and savior of Gaia, for flying herself and her entourage all over the place in private jets to tell us how bad oil companies are. A couple of weeks ago, she took a break from telling us WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM GLOBAL WARMING to take a private jet across the Atlantic with her cook and her hairdresser and her hairdresser’s hairdresser and whoever else to go to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. There she rubbed elbows and egos with her fellow celebrities, socialites, and other assorted cultural detritus who have absolutely nothing to do with the White House or its correspondents. The Guardian pointed out her hypocrisy, and it was good.

Well, Trudie ain’t havin’ it. She wrote back to them, and it’s a real beaut:

Given the Guardian’s reputation for a positive stance on the environment, I was angered and saddened by the cheap and scathing tone of your “Lost in showbiz” article about me (Trudie Styler: saving the world one private jet flight at a time, 15 May).

It sought to demolish my credibility as an environmental campaigner by laying charges of hypocrisy against my readily admitted occasional use of private aviation fuel as well as many (less reported) flights on scheduled commercial flights. The article’s gripe extended to a sour attempt to create some sort of faux class envy around me in seeking to “focus … on madam’s most cherished public pose: that of eco warrior”.

The piece turned on the curious assertion that “Trudie’s lifestyle compromises her environmental message so fatally that she can only be a big oil ­double agent created … with the sole aim of undermining an important message with her rank hypocrisy”. Ironically the publication of this article, with its unsustainable attack on my integrity, actually casts the Guardian in the role of double agent. You have given succour to what I would have assumed was a mutual foe, the Chevron oil company.

For many years much of my work as an environmental campaigner has focused on exposing the devastation caused to large parts of Ecuador by Chevron during its exploitation of drilling rights. The recent documentary, Crude, in which I played a substantial role, has effectively concentrated global opposition to Chevron’s continued refusal to make proper recompense for damage to thousands of lives.

Your article will be invaluable to those working on behalf of Chevron who seek to undermine this 14-year campaign through attacking my reputation.

It goes on from there, but you get the idea: Shut up, peasants. Without me, the rainforests will die! And note the clever use of the ecocrite’s new favorite trick: “Sure, okay, I say one thing and do another. I admit it! So get over it, even though I’m not going to stop.”

Congrats on being in a movie, Trudie. I’ll put that in my Netflix queue right after Brimstone & Treacle.

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